It appears the blog has become more of a monthly thing now. I don't intentionally stay away, it just doesn't often come to mind and life is fairly 'normal' now, so there isn't much to write. I am now almost 32 weeks pregnant and in the awkward and uncomfortable stage. I'm not a huge fan of pregnancy in general, but the end is my least favourite part. Thankfully the count down can soon begin and I know it's worth it in the end.
Shawn and I are still debating over two names for our little girl and trying to prepare ourselves for the arrival of a new baby. Although I'd like to believe I'll be totally fine, I know the arrival of this child will come with a lot of emotions. I am about to embark on a new relationship with a highly recommended grief counsellor and I'm hoping it's the perfect fit.
The journey of grief is very random at times. I have sad days, more often just sad moments. I don't mind talking about Hope or our journey, but I often find it difficult to support others that are grieving over Hope. If their pain is from another source, I don't find it difficult at all. When it comes to Hope, I feel that carrying my own pain is enough and at times I'm not strong enough to support someone else that is struggling with her loss. There are days that I have the strength to walk alongside someone else grieving her loss, but never on a 21st of the month!
Sadie is doing well and still talks about her sister often. She is quick to correct anyone that suggests she is becoming a big sister for the first time. She appears to understand that a new baby is coming, but has yet to grasp that her new sister is healthy. She will often ask questions that relate to the new baby dying or one of her parents dying. Her brain is still working to process her loss and we work hard to be open and patient with all of her questions. I can only handle so many suggestions that the new baby will die in a single day though. There are times that I have to be honest and tell her that if she suggests this baby is going to die again, mommy might cry.
I had planned to leave the nursery alone, but have decided that it would be better for me to add some new touches and make things fresh. Remembering that this baby is our rainbow baby, and Hope's little sister, I decided on a heart theme in rainbow colours. I'm still in the ideas stage, but I'm looking forward to giving this baby a beautiful bedroom of her own. I know that these little steps are progress in my journey with grief and are necessary.
I have also been re-learning how to connect with God when life is not in crisis. Although our journey with Hope was painful, I felt a deep connection to God and a desperate need for him. Now that life has transitioned to a more normal routine, I have to be intentional about pursuing a relationship with God. I now feel that I am more in control of my life, which requires choosing to relinquish that control to God. As much as walking through crisis is painful, there are beautiful benefits to feeling completely broken.
Tomorrow Shawn, Sadie and I depart on a family vacation. We hope to enjoy a vacation before the arrival of the new baby. Sadie is so excited to have both of us around all day and to wear her summer clothes. She's been talking about this trip for a long time and we look forward to seeing her joy each day.
Please continue to pray for us as we prepare for the arrival of this baby girl. I need prayer as I walk through the emotions of having a healthy child and mourn all the things I wasn't able to do with Hope. Thank you for continuing to care and for holding our family up in prayer.
