While we were racing in Calgary, others raced in honour of Hope Holly Lincoln in other parts of the world. My cousin ran in Pennsylvania, my brother ran in Spain, my friend got a group together in Manitoba, my parents and Nursey walked in Michigan and my sister ran with a group in British Columbia. How incredible to know that people all over were participating as they could and joining us as we raised awareness for Congenital Heart Disease and supported Heart Beats.
Sharla (Lincoln's mom) and I cried anytime we got near each other. I was very emotional and little things were tough. During the race a little girl in front of me lost her balloon. As it floated up to the sky I heard her mom say, "don't worry, now Tracey can enjoy it." I pictured myself saying the same thing to Sadie about Hope and was moved to know that these total strangers felt the pain we did.
After the race I was extremely sore, mostly in my left hip. It was my lucky day, right at the finish line was a chiropractor with his table. I hopped up and had my hip corrected before I was even off the course. How perfect is that? What an amazing answer to prayer for me, it's the only reason I've been able to walk basically pain free today.
Tomorrow will be our fifth 21st without Hope. It's difficult to believe it's only been 5 months since she went to be with Jesus. I feel like she's been gone for so much longer. I've planned in advance to keep myself busy and to have playmates for Sadie so I won't have time to sit and feel sorry for myself. I'm hoping next year that the 21's aren't so painful.
I am now 18 weeks pregnant and knowing that in the next 2 weeks we'll find out if this baby is a girl or a boy is difficult. I'm looking forward to finding out, but I'm terrified of the reality that will follow. Hope's drawers remain full of her clothes, her closet is still full of her things and her room is almost exactly as it was when she died. That room will become the new baby's and I will need to go through all of her things and make room for this child's things. Having a boy means packing these things away forever. Having a girl means packing them away for a year, but having the opportunity to use them again. I believe that a boy would be easier for us over all emotionally, but I naturally want a girl in my longing to have Hope back. Please pray for us as we find out and process these things.
If it comes to mind, pray for us and our families as we go through another day tomorrow that will make us long for Hope. I was washing dishes tonight and thinking about the fact that although I miss her so deeply, she doesn't feel the same way. Heaven is too wonderful to spend time missing your mom, she's content to wait for me there. I try to remind myself that Jesus has and will always love her more than I am even capable of. She's in good hands until I get to hold her on my own again.