Today I am trying to remind myself, by the minute, that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I'm on my own with the girls today. My friends work tirelessly to try and have someone here to help me each day. That is not an easy task on it's own, but there are days when someone is scheduled but illness keeps them away. It's not something that can be avoided and no one is to blame. I often feel like saying, "please come anyway!!" But I know that it's not worth the risk to Hope and, if I can just survive one hour at a time, eventually the day will end!
Today is one of those days, I'm alone. I decided to try and get out to break up the day, so we packed up to meet Shawn outside in a park for lunch. It's not easy to leave the house and takes me hours to get everything together and work around Hope's feeds. We finally made it and had just met up with Daddy when Hope began throwing up all over herself. She proceeded to cry for the majority of the time we spent with Shawn. When I got home, after Hope had screamed for the entire drive, Sadie looked as though she might actually sleep. She has not napped for the last two weeks and is trying to avoid napping at all costs. She is visibly exhausted and I need her to nap more than I can express!
I begged God to let Sadie stay tired and spare me from the stress of an afternoon with them both, apparently He felt I didn't need the break. Sadie and I have been fighting back and forth for the last 70 minutes. I have tried everything with her but her stubborn will prevails. Each time I go in she is rubbing her eyes, but refuses to give in and surrender to sleep. She is also not just playing quietly, she is standing at her bedroom door and yelling for me......such a peaceful afternoon.
Hope has finally stopped screaming herself as I am currently blogging, pumping, running her feed and bouncing her chair with my foot. Multitasking sounds too simple to explain what I'm currently undertaking. You're probably wondering why I said there was light at the end of the tunnel.....I'm getting to that.
I got a call from our nursing care company, we have a nurse coming to the house Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday night! They are working to book someone for tonight as well but haven't found someone just yet. Our coverage renews on July 1st, as a result, we're able to have a lot of extra help for the rest of June. The problem has been finding a pediatric nurse to fill the need on such short notice. I continually remind myself today that I am going to sleep all weekend long! (at night at least).
We have also had a huge answer to prayer. We found a nurse to watch Hope so we can go to church! This Sunday will be our first week at church since the second week in March. We are really looking forward to being fed spiritually and to Sadie being able to play with her friends in the nursery.
All that to say, some days are terrible, they feel like they will never end. But I am spurred on when I know that tomorrow will be better and the days ahead are going to involve more sleeping. Well, Hope has started to scream again...time to stop blogging!
So glad to hear that a nurse is in sight!!! Sweet sleep will be yours soon Amy:). Very glad to hear you can use extra nights until the end of June, which might be the extra boost you need right now. Enjoy your day of worship, soak it up fully and if you don't want to chat with the masses then go late and leave early.... that was always my strategy. Now you might want to catch up with everyone but perhaps this Sunday should just be about feeding your soul. Praying for a great weekend for all of you - sleep, soul feeding and some solitude.
ReplyDeleteOh Amy. God bless you sweetheart - this is a hard road and no one can fully understand how torn you must feel sometimes. I pray for you everyday, and rejoice with you for each small step. Sadie's acting totally normal for a toddler and your little Hope is a trooper. I loved the professional photos that you posted. God will reward you in ways you cannot even imagine right now.
ReplyDeleteHugs from your friend Kathy Downey
It will be so awesome for you to be in church! Every Sunday we go to church the worship just brings me to tears. You don't realize how much you need the body of believers until you feel cut off from it physically. I pray that it renews your spirit and gives you the strength to keep holding on to the Father. He is the light and He will always see you through the tunnel. You're strong momma. Love reading your blogs. Thank you for making the time to blog. I know it's not easy. I also want to encourage you, I am amazed that you are still pumping. This may seem like a small thing to most people, but for a heart mom it is close to impossible to find the energy and time to fulfill this horrid task. I only made it a month after we got home from the hospital so I want you to know that your commitment to giving Hope the best nutrition inspite of how aggravating and hard it is, is inspiring.
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