No Guts, No Glory

Last night Hope was put back on oxygen, she wasn't able to keep her saturation levels high enough and needed a little help.  She's on a low level and will hopefully get stronger over time, but needs the help right now.  They started Hope back on bolus feeds to see if her stomach could handle two hours worth of her feed at once.  She has been on continuous feeds for weeks now and we weren't sure how she would do.  She was a star and tolerated her feeds very well.  It was clearly more difficult for her body to handle the larger volume of food and she slept almost the entire day.

The cardiologist spoke with the GI doctor and they discussed whether or not it was safe enough to do Hope's hernia repair.  They have decided to go forward with it and plan to do some temporary solutions to reduce the fluid levels in Hope's abdomen before she goes into the OR.  If it works, it will be temporary and her abdomen will refill over time.  The cardiologist then spoke with the General Surgery doctor that is supposed to do the actual hernia repair.  Only in our crazy life would this happen, but one or more of the OR's at the hospital have been flooded and are not currently operating.  This means that OR time is limited and hard to get.  As a result, we're not sure how long it will be before they can get Hope booked in for her hernia repair.  I can't help but laugh at the craziness of our journey some days.  This surgery will be risky and although I know she needs it, it's going to be a tough day to let her go into that OR when they aren't sure how Hope will respond.  They worry she won't heal properly and will continue to drain fluid for much too long.  We are going to obviously pray against this and believe God to be in control through it all.

Today was a tough day for me emotionally.  I have always had a confidence that Hope was going to be okay and that although this journey is awful, she would live to tell about it.  It's not that I'm now confident that she won't, I'm just not sure what will happen anymore.  This is not a lack of faith in God's ability to spare her at all.  I know that God is able to do this and more, I'm just not confident that it's the plan He has for Hope's life.  Nobody can know for sure what God has planned for each one of our lives.  Through this journey I have been reminded that this world is not our home.  God has created us for an eternal purpose and our lives on this earth are nothing in comparison to eternity in Heaven.  The entire point of us being here on earth is to bring glory to God.  I am amazed that my 5 month old daughter has done just that.  God has been glorified through her struggle and many people have grown in their walks with God as a result.  It's hard to believe that a baby, only 5 months old, has already fulfilled God's very purpose in her life!  What I battle with now is whether God will receive more glory in her healing or in her death.  I simply don't know, only God knows that and yet I believe He has the best plan.  Even typing the word death is terrible for me, the idea of losing Hope is simply too painful to even imagine.  Losing a child is the most terrible thing I could think of in my life.  

I believe in God and his perfect plan for our lives.  I would be crushed and in utter despair, but I know that if God ever chose to take Hope, it would be because He would receive more glory through her death.  This world is temporary and Hell is forever, I can't even imagine forever with my simple brain.  If one person comes to know Christ through Hope's story and is spared from an eternity in Hell, her very existence has truly saved another's life.  We talk about living for the moment, but the moment ends and we have to think about what happens when it does.  Where are you going to spend your forever?  If you've been following Hope's story and you don't know, I truly pray for you specifically, that you would come to know the creator of the universe.  He is the giver of life and loves us more than anyone could ever imagine, how can we not trust that his plans are greater than our own?

Yes, my heart aches and my eyes flood with tears as I type this and it's difficult to express.  I just want everyone to know that I love Jesus Christ and not just when He gives me the things that I want, I will love Him either way and trust in his perfect plan for my family.  That being said, I will beg him to spare Hope's life until her last breath or my own.  I want to die an old woman and still see Hope living her life and sharing her miraculous story, I hope that's what the future holds.