A Midnight Snack

Fighting a sinus infection, writing thank you cards and not eating enough for dinner.  All culprits of my lack of ability to sleep and my constant thoughts of Hope.  Each time I attempt to fall asleep I think about her and begin feeling sad and get up before I start crying and make my sinus headache that much worse.  I was feeling much better this afternoon, but being on my back in bed appears to be working against me tonight.

Writing cards is something I've always enjoyed.  I deeply enjoy finding a handwritten note in the mail and I like to give that gift to others.  I will say that having Hope, and needing a lot of help, brought my thank you card writing to extreme levels.  Tonight as I sat trying to catch up on my list of cards to write, I found it difficult as I'd been missing Hope all day and was now thinking about her even more and the people that loved her and our family.  Having her picture on each card only made it more difficult in some ways.

Today I sat and organized our calendar for the fall.  I wrote down all the days Sadie would be at Preschool, the mornings we'd attend my women's group and all the other things we already had scheduled.  In some ways it was exciting to see what was in store for Sadie this fall.  In another way it was deeply painful to know that the freedom to plan ahead has come with a deep cost, losing Hope.  My calendar from last year is almost comical.  I planned nothing, I couldn't plan and I simply didn't often plan to do things in advance.  Sadie didn't attend any structured or scheduled weekly activities and I rarely did either.  It's a change, a positive one for Sadie, yet a difficult one for me.

Feeling so terribly ill yesterday was a good reminder of what Hope left behind.  My head was pounding, my sinuses jammed with junk and my body ached.  Although Hope couldn't communicate well, she showed that she felt like junk on many days too.  I was thinking about her tonight as I considered shooting saline up my nostrils, a daily task with Hope.  She was often stuffy from having her feeding tube and oxygen prongs in her nose at all times.  I need to remember the bad times in order to remember how much better Hope's life is now.  She finally has free nostrils and no one is trying to take her blood!

Sadie has a current fascination with breast feeding.  She 'nurses' her dolls and talks about the fact that Hope used to nurse.  I have to explain that although Hope had Mommy Milk, she took it in a unique way.  I'm fairly sure this is not computing as we have the conversation often.  She never saw Hope nurse, she never did.  I'm not sure where this is all coming from, but it allows Sadie and I to talk about her sister and I always enjoy that.  She told me today that sometimes Hope was whiney.  She's right, she was pretty grumpy some days.  I guess we forget those moments and choose to remember the smiles we caught with the camera.

Although we certainly have difficult moments of grief, we are doing well overall.  We still have the random reminders from friends and strangers alike that we are not forgotten.  I find rare moments that I'm able to almost forget that I've lost a child and live like a normal person.  They're usually brief moments as Hope has shaped a great deal of who I am today.  I can't be me without her having been in my life.  On the really difficult days I remind myself that this world is not my home, it is temporary. I am reminded that I have an eternity in Heaven to hug Hope.  Eternity, something my mind is still too finite to fathom, but I'm looking forward to it just the same.