Many people told me that losing Hope would make me a better mom to Sadie. They were wrong. Today was horrible, down right awful. Today I hit the wall of a build up of Sadie's whining, complaining and bad attitude. I don't know what happened to our sweet girl, but over the last 72 hours she's been more of a thorn in my flesh than a precious blessing. By 4:30 pm I had hit rock bottom. Sadie and I could no longer work together and we needed Shawn. At 4:45 I begged him to leave work early to save me from the anger and frustration I was feeling. The moment he walked in the door I washed my hands of being a mother for the rest of the day.
Tonight I went into Sadie's room where she was sleeping, crawled into bed beside her and wept bitterly. Losing a child doesn't make you a better mother, it only makes you feel worse when you aren't a great mother. I know the reality of how much it sucks to be "free" of parenting a child. When I have a day where I feel like I wish I'd never had children, I crash at the end of the day feeling the horrible and real pain of what that would cost me. I stroked Sadie's hair and sobbed into her pillow as I knew that I had not been capable of showing her the fruits of the spirit, of parenting her in love and kindness and feeling like a failure for giving up on her. How can you be so angry with someone you love more than yourself?
Tomorrow hasn't yet arrived and I know that it will be a day full of more pain than today and it frightens me too much to go to sleep. My 6th 21st and a half year since I watched my baby girl take her final breath, all her muscles relax and life leave her body. A baby that was so difficult to parent so many times and yet I would take our worst day back over and over again just to spend it with her. I long to spend tomorrow alone, curled up in bed with a large supply of kleenex. Instead I have to live a normal day and function for Sadie. Perhaps I should say that Sadie has to deal with me for the day. I realize that much of my impatience and frustration comes not only from her attitude, but also from my emotional state.
Becoming a mother has been one of the most painful, difficult and rewarding decisions I've ever made. I often resent the deep wounds that Hope's death left. I cherish the lessons I learned through her life, the way it forced me to fully rely on God and the understanding that we all need community that came out of it. But I struggle with how the deep wounds leave so much pain, pain that makes me tired as a mother with Sadie. Pain that makes it too difficult to deal with 3 year old attitude on bad days. Pain that hides in the soul and bubbles up whenever it feels like it, often when I don't have time for it. Usually on a weekday when I don't have the luxury of turning to Shawn for help and support.
In these last few days of deep frustration and intense feelings of failure, I have reached out to God. I find a show Sadie loves and get her cozy next to me on the couch so I can sit and journal in prayer. My frustration only grows as she decides to draw in my journal, touch my face and ask me 4,000 questions instead of watching her show and letting me get refreshed. At night I'm exhausted and just want to sleep and when I wake up each morning I have never had enough sleep. The pregnancy takes all the extra energy I have. When you can identify that you're empty and you are tying to refuel, it's only that much more frustrating when your efforts are failing. I've resorted to praying while I pee, at least I do that a lot while pregnant!
Once again I am reminded of my deep need for Jesus. I can't parent a healthy child without him. I don't have the strength in myself, I don't have the patience required either. Just as I have no idea how single mothers survive, I can not understand how one parents without the grace and love that Jesus gives. Each time I have a day of darkness like today, the only thing that carries me through is knowing that I am not perfect, but Jesus has saved me by grace. Salvation is thankfully not earned, as I would fall short. It is grace that will get me out of bed tomorrow and give me the strength to try again, even on a day that I just want to be alone. We get so frustrated with our children, I can only imagine what it's like to be God and watch his children fall over and over again. Tonight I am reaching out, taking his hand and getting back on my feet. Thankfully this earth is not my home and is fleeting in comparison to eternity. One day in glory I will go to sleep without tears.
Tomorrow is a new day, a difficult day to face, but a day I hope to show Sadie how much I love and cherish her. A day that I hope to hold her close and remind her of how blessed I am to be her mother. A day that I will feel the pain of not holding Hope, yet be comforted to know that Jesus is doing it for me and one day I will join them. Tomorrow is a day I could really use some prayer.
Dear Amy, I am a mother of now 4 grown children and grandmother of 2. My oldest son, who still lives with us, is a paraplegic. parenting is not easy with any child. We are constantly reminded that we walk in grace. The pain of your loss will be with you forever, it will lessen as time passes but always be a deep part of who you now are. God will use that to steer your path and the path of your children. Your next little one will be a part of that healing but in the mean time its easy to take out your stages of grief on your first born Sadie. Slow down, spend lots of times in cuddles and hugs. It is ok to still hurt. Give yourself permission without adding guilt to your sorrow. You will make it my dear. God holds you through this season when you have days where you can't hold yourself up. Lean on your family and friends too. And remind yourself often that you are a wonderful mom!
ReplyDeleteWow Amy!! As I listen to you speak from your heart, you are teaching me so much. I am constantly learning and am reminded that I can never pretend to understand the vastness and the depth of your grief. Thank you for sharing. I'm praying.
ReplyDeleteEvery one always talks about the "terrible twos". I distinctly remember my children being a big challenge at age 3. I wondered why no one had bothered to warn me. Don't be too hard on yourself, pregnancy has a way with our hormones and feelings are generated from here rather than the heart. When Sadie is a grown woman she won't have a lot of memories from her three year old self.
ReplyDeletePraying for you today Amy :)
ReplyDeleteWe are thinking of and praying for you Amy. Every Mom has days when they don't feel they have done a good job. I am not a Mom but babysat 3 kids 3 days a week and know what it felt like when I felt I had done a bad job on any given day. God sees our hearts even on the 'bad job' days.
ReplyDeleteThe Butterfly Gang
Thank you for sharing from your heart again, Amy. I appreciate the way God uses you to teach others, myself included, how to be vulnerable and to depend fully on Him. Praying for you as you face another difficult day. Rest assured that Hope is being rocked in the arms of Jesus and it is those same arms that He wraps around you to comfort you today.
ReplyDeleteNo one seems to ever mention it, but 3 is a truly horrid age for the most part. Both my kids seemed to undergo personality transplants the day of their third birthday. Taking this into account with everything else you are dealing with it is completely understandable (& normal) for you to have these days. Know you are not alone & that tomorrow will be a better day!
ReplyDeleteAmy, thinking of you today. You are an amazing mother. I have been able to witness that and read about it. Sadie is so blessed to have you as her mom. She will look back when she is older, and remember a mother that loved Jesus so much, even in the midst of the biggest heartache. What a testimony. I know that you might not feel like the greatest mom, but your life is a constant encouragement and testimony of God's heart. I am praying for you today. I pray that God would continue to hold in His arms. I pray for the new life as well. That this baby would continue to be healthy and that you're body would find rest. Love you! Thank for continuing to blog and let people in the journey.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Ashley Cordy
Thank you. Thank you for your painful honesty. Praying for you every 21st ...
ReplyDelete- Mimi
I can so relate to your words. The 6 month anniversary of losing Eva was HARD. All the anniversaries are now. Christmas is hard. Her birthday is hard. Mother's Day is hard. It's all hard but the days in between are ok. I often find myself snapping at my earthside children when the words are coming from the pain of not having my Eva here. Anger is a secondary emotion. Pain and grief and heartache come out as anger. You are such a good mom to Sadie and to Hope and to your girl within. It's SO hard to parent while tired from pregnancy and exhausted from grief. It's SO hard. You are daily in my prayers and Hope is never far from my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteAmy, I would like to offer my service to take Sadie for a day out or to play with her at your house until you get to know me!! I live in Calgary n.w & am a great grandmother of 1 little boy who is 5 grandmother to mike 26 , cayden 3 & Ava 18 months!! My daughter has moved to Saskatoon due to her husband getting a better job!! I miss them so much!! We skype & talk on the phone alot I just came back from a 2 week holiday to visit my beautiful grandchildren!! Cayden wanted to come back & live with grammies cause we have so much fun!! I would be honoured to help you out!1 I too have lost a child 13 yrs ago!! He was 32 yrs old!
ReplyDeleteDear Amy, I hope and pray everything is o.k. with you, the baby, Sean and Sadie as you haven't posted in awhile. Don't feel you have to post.....just know you are being thought about and prayed for. This poem helped me when my mom passed away and perhaps you have seen it already, but if not....I hope it helps you this Christmas as it did me. Precious Hope is celebrating Christmas with Jesus!
ReplyDeleteMy First Christmas in Heaven
I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below
With tiny lights, like Heaven’s stars, reflecting on the snow
The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away the tear
For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.
I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear
But the sounds of music can’t compare
with the Christmas choir up here.
I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description, to hear the angels sing.
I know how much you miss me, I see the pain inside your heart
But I am not so far away, we really aren’t apart.
So be happy for me, dear ones, you know I hold you dear.
And be glad I’m spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year.
I sent you each a special gift, from my heavenly home above.
I sent you each a memory of my undying love.
After all, love is a gift more precious than pure gold
It was always most important in the stories Jesus told.
Please love and keep each other, as my Father said to do
For I can’t count the blessing or love he has for each of you
So have a Merry Christmas and wipe away that tear
Remember, I am spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year.
Thinking of you and your family. Wishing you all the best and much comfort knowing sweet Hope is celebrating with Jesus. Merry Christmas Amy Sean and Sadie!
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