I am now 36.5 weeks pregnant and ready to deliver yesterday. This little lady dropped into the birth canal at 33 weeks and has stayed there ever since. The pressure from this change has been less than enjoyable and caused these weeks to feel long. I am thankful that she avoided coming during the time that would have required a NICU stay, but I am happy to evict her now!
A few weeks ago I finally found the right fit for me in grief counselling. Some times it takes trying 4 people before you find the right person. She has been a great blessing in this final trimester as she prepares me for the emotions of welcoming this new life and also forcing me to see areas that I am avoiding. It wasn't until I began meeting with her that I finally realized I was unintentionally avoiding bonding with baby girl 3.0 as we call her. The fear of losing another precious life makes us protect ourselves, sometimes subconsciously. It has been good to force my heart open once again and risk pain in order to find the pleasure of deeply loving the life inside.
This little girl is our third daughter. Not a new Hope, not a replacement for Hope and will never be expected to fill the life we lost in Hope. In understanding that and desiring to separate the two experiences, I've been taking steps toward making this little girl a new experience. We have re-decorated the nursery for the first time since Sadie was born. It is no longer pink, brown and white. It now has bursts of colour and a 'few' extra hearts around. When I walk into the room, I find it refreshing and it no longer feels like Hope's room. We also finally decided on a name for the baby and have begun referring to her by name. I have even allowed myself to purchase new things for her. Yes, I have a lot of sleepers and clothes in pink, but they all bring back memories and I need some fresh memories as well.
My bag for the hospital is packed, the baby's bag is packed and we are now in the waiting stage. The doctors are surprised my body has held out this long. I could go tonight, or I may have to wait another 3 weeks. I guess that's the beauty of the human body, we can only guess, but will never know for sure. Truly I desire this little girl to arrive in the next two weeks. I would like for her birth to be in no way associated with Hope's death. The 21st is really hard on me and although some feel that delivering on that day would be healing, I feel it would be too much for me. I want to celebrate this new life and not have deep sorrow creeping into the day. It will already be emotional with all the memories that will come. If you'd like a specific prayer, a delivery well before the 21st would be ideal!
Sadie is very excited for the arrival of her new baby sister. She talks about her often and plays in her room with her dolls. I think she'll be a wonderful helper for me and fall in love easily. I'm hardly sleeping currently, perhaps this is in preparation for the lack of sleep to come. I could really use some good sleep to get through the next little while. Each night I have contractions, pain and discomfort that keep me from sleeping. The constant movement is keeping Shawn up in the night and we both look forward to me sleeping better one day.
This year Shawn and I decided to be intentional about seeking the Lord in our lives. We started to read through the Bible and have really enjoyed the routine of being in the word each day. It has created more of a hunger for me to dig in on my own and brought my prayer life more passion as well. I would appreciate prayer to maintain this discipline as life will be much busier with a new baby in the home. My walk with God through our journey with Hope was intimate in a way I've never experienced. I learned so much through it and look forward to our girls being older and having more time to share this experience with others. The desperation for God is not as strong in my current walk, but I know my need is the same and I try to make him a priority in my everyday life.
Hopefully my next post will be to introduce baby girl 3.0 to you all. I often try to picture what she will look like, and look forward to finally seeing her face and having the pleasure of being her mom. Thank you for continuing to pray for us. We know that this next stage will come with blessings and difficulty and we covet your prayers.
Tuesday, 25 February 2014
Thursday, 23 January 2014
The Final Trimester
It appears the blog has become more of a monthly thing now. I don't intentionally stay away, it just doesn't often come to mind and life is fairly 'normal' now, so there isn't much to write. I am now almost 32 weeks pregnant and in the awkward and uncomfortable stage. I'm not a huge fan of pregnancy in general, but the end is my least favourite part. Thankfully the count down can soon begin and I know it's worth it in the end.
Shawn and I are still debating over two names for our little girl and trying to prepare ourselves for the arrival of a new baby. Although I'd like to believe I'll be totally fine, I know the arrival of this child will come with a lot of emotions. I am about to embark on a new relationship with a highly recommended grief counsellor and I'm hoping it's the perfect fit.
The journey of grief is very random at times. I have sad days, more often just sad moments. I don't mind talking about Hope or our journey, but I often find it difficult to support others that are grieving over Hope. If their pain is from another source, I don't find it difficult at all. When it comes to Hope, I feel that carrying my own pain is enough and at times I'm not strong enough to support someone else that is struggling with her loss. There are days that I have the strength to walk alongside someone else grieving her loss, but never on a 21st of the month!
Sadie is doing well and still talks about her sister often. She is quick to correct anyone that suggests she is becoming a big sister for the first time. She appears to understand that a new baby is coming, but has yet to grasp that her new sister is healthy. She will often ask questions that relate to the new baby dying or one of her parents dying. Her brain is still working to process her loss and we work hard to be open and patient with all of her questions. I can only handle so many suggestions that the new baby will die in a single day though. There are times that I have to be honest and tell her that if she suggests this baby is going to die again, mommy might cry.
I had planned to leave the nursery alone, but have decided that it would be better for me to add some new touches and make things fresh. Remembering that this baby is our rainbow baby, and Hope's little sister, I decided on a heart theme in rainbow colours. I'm still in the ideas stage, but I'm looking forward to giving this baby a beautiful bedroom of her own. I know that these little steps are progress in my journey with grief and are necessary.
I have also been re-learning how to connect with God when life is not in crisis. Although our journey with Hope was painful, I felt a deep connection to God and a desperate need for him. Now that life has transitioned to a more normal routine, I have to be intentional about pursuing a relationship with God. I now feel that I am more in control of my life, which requires choosing to relinquish that control to God. As much as walking through crisis is painful, there are beautiful benefits to feeling completely broken.
Tomorrow Shawn, Sadie and I depart on a family vacation. We hope to enjoy a vacation before the arrival of the new baby. Sadie is so excited to have both of us around all day and to wear her summer clothes. She's been talking about this trip for a long time and we look forward to seeing her joy each day.
Please continue to pray for us as we prepare for the arrival of this baby girl. I need prayer as I walk through the emotions of having a healthy child and mourn all the things I wasn't able to do with Hope. Thank you for continuing to care and for holding our family up in prayer.
Shawn and I are still debating over two names for our little girl and trying to prepare ourselves for the arrival of a new baby. Although I'd like to believe I'll be totally fine, I know the arrival of this child will come with a lot of emotions. I am about to embark on a new relationship with a highly recommended grief counsellor and I'm hoping it's the perfect fit.
The journey of grief is very random at times. I have sad days, more often just sad moments. I don't mind talking about Hope or our journey, but I often find it difficult to support others that are grieving over Hope. If their pain is from another source, I don't find it difficult at all. When it comes to Hope, I feel that carrying my own pain is enough and at times I'm not strong enough to support someone else that is struggling with her loss. There are days that I have the strength to walk alongside someone else grieving her loss, but never on a 21st of the month!
Sadie is doing well and still talks about her sister often. She is quick to correct anyone that suggests she is becoming a big sister for the first time. She appears to understand that a new baby is coming, but has yet to grasp that her new sister is healthy. She will often ask questions that relate to the new baby dying or one of her parents dying. Her brain is still working to process her loss and we work hard to be open and patient with all of her questions. I can only handle so many suggestions that the new baby will die in a single day though. There are times that I have to be honest and tell her that if she suggests this baby is going to die again, mommy might cry.
I had planned to leave the nursery alone, but have decided that it would be better for me to add some new touches and make things fresh. Remembering that this baby is our rainbow baby, and Hope's little sister, I decided on a heart theme in rainbow colours. I'm still in the ideas stage, but I'm looking forward to giving this baby a beautiful bedroom of her own. I know that these little steps are progress in my journey with grief and are necessary.
I have also been re-learning how to connect with God when life is not in crisis. Although our journey with Hope was painful, I felt a deep connection to God and a desperate need for him. Now that life has transitioned to a more normal routine, I have to be intentional about pursuing a relationship with God. I now feel that I am more in control of my life, which requires choosing to relinquish that control to God. As much as walking through crisis is painful, there are beautiful benefits to feeling completely broken.
Tomorrow Shawn, Sadie and I depart on a family vacation. We hope to enjoy a vacation before the arrival of the new baby. Sadie is so excited to have both of us around all day and to wear her summer clothes. She's been talking about this trip for a long time and we look forward to seeing her joy each day.
Please continue to pray for us as we prepare for the arrival of this baby girl. I need prayer as I walk through the emotions of having a healthy child and mourn all the things I wasn't able to do with Hope. Thank you for continuing to care and for holding our family up in prayer.
Wednesday, 25 December 2013
December in Denial
Merry Christmas everyone! I've been asked a lot today how I'm doing and I appreciate that people care. To be honest I feel that this Christmas I've chosen to be numb of most emotions and avoid the pain. It's not to say that I refuse to grieve, I've still shed tears, but I didn't want to sob through the day and pushed myself to not focus on what I was missing today. Sadie was a fantastic distraction and was very excited that Santa remembered to bring her a wheelchair for her dolls. We had my parents out for a wonderful 5 day visit to keep us busy and distracted. They flew out today at noon so it broke up our day and helped keep my thoughts off missing Hope. We did make a stop at the Children's hospital on the way up to Shawn's parents house to drop off some treats for two families. I simply couldn't let today go by without acknowledging that there are still families spending the holiday in a cramped hospital room and not doing the things they normally would. I realize they are so blessed to just be together, but I know it's difficult and wanted to try to bring a smile, even if only for a moment. I had so many ideas of what I wanted to do for families in the hospital this year, but December did not go according to plan!
December has not been a month of great health for our family and I've spent a lot of it on the couch. I started with a cold that was survivable, but not enjoyable. I then got the influenza virus, apparently a strain that was not covered by my flu shot. I was very ill and after being given IV fluids at the hospital, they decided to put me on antivirals. These may have helped, but I'm not really sure as I didn't react well to them. Eventually I was taken off of them, after I began vomiting each time I took them and feeling worse when they were in my system. I spent almost an entire day at my OB's office after vomiting all over myself while driving to my appointment! They didn't want to send me into the hospital as there were so many germs and my immune system was garbage. They started an IV right in their office for the first time ever and essentially put me in a storage room on a bed for hours while filling my body with fluids. I even had to show them how to use some of the equipment, all those months in the hospital pay off some days. They did an ultrasound of the baby to make sure she was tolerating all the sickness well. She looks great and is growing on schedule and developing as she should. I had the privilege of seeing her beautiful 4 chamber heart once again and could thank God for a miracle I never understood before meeting Hope.
When I finally began to feel human again, I spent a day running around to catch up on all the errands I had gotten so far behind on. While dropping something off at a friends house I jokingly told her I thought I broke my ribs. I had this terrible pain in my side that had started in the morning. By 4 pm the pain was so intense I couldn't handle it any longer and had to go back to the hospital again! They confirmed that I had indeed broken at least 1 but possibly 3 ribs from coughing so hard with all my yucky germs I'd been fighting. I spent the next couple of days on pain meds but eventually began feeling nauseous from those and went off them. I am now feeling a lot more comfortable and can cough or sneeze without getting tense beforehand. They said the healing process may be slow with all the movement in my ribs from the baby growing. They don't realize that we've been praying about it and things are healing faster than I expected and I'm almost back to my normal routine. I still have a difficult time picking up anything heavy, that includes Sadie girl.
This morning under the tree were a few gifts from my family for the new little lady that grows in my belly. Opening little girl clothes once again and being reminded that this girl is coming in a few short months was nice. I'm excited to meet her and often wonder if she'll look like Hope. I look forward to having the moments with her that I wasn't able to have with Hope. I feel afraid when I think about planning this daughter's 1st birthday as I know it was the only one I ever had the privilege of planning for Hope. At the same time, I look forward to telling her often about her big sister up in Heaven who was such a world changer and will forever be precious in our family.
I also had the joy of walking down memory lane. My mom worked tirelessly this year and completed a scrapbook of the first 30 years of my life! (I turn 30 on the 28th this month) She beautifully laid out our precious Hope and our life journey with her. I was also reminded of my terrible haircut choice in grade 8, boyfriends that just weren't Shawn and friends I haven't seen in years. It was such a gift to sit and go through it all with my mom and to enjoy her hard labours finally!
The holiday season was full of a lot of blessing. Although we thought often of Christmas last year and knew that our family was one short, we were glad that Sadie didn't have to spend all day at the hospital this year and could enjoy time with her extended family. Someone who never identified themselves dropped off very creative packages on our doorstep each morning for the 12 days of Christmas. I often laughed or smiled going through them and it was something to look forward to each day. We also received a video we requested be made after Hope's death and were able to watch it just before Christmas. Watching Hope smile and hearing her whine was a precious gift we will cherish. I have yet to sit through more than 20 seconds of it before the tears begin to stream. If anyone would like a good cry and a reminder of how bright her smiles were, I'm happy to watch it again! I also spent this Christmas knowing that Hope was celebrating Jesus' birth with the birthday boy. That's much more exciting than what we were doing here on earth and I picture her in absolute joy and peace and that is comforting. I don't wish her back here to a world of pain, I just look forward to joining her one day in paradise.
Merry Christmas!
December has not been a month of great health for our family and I've spent a lot of it on the couch. I started with a cold that was survivable, but not enjoyable. I then got the influenza virus, apparently a strain that was not covered by my flu shot. I was very ill and after being given IV fluids at the hospital, they decided to put me on antivirals. These may have helped, but I'm not really sure as I didn't react well to them. Eventually I was taken off of them, after I began vomiting each time I took them and feeling worse when they were in my system. I spent almost an entire day at my OB's office after vomiting all over myself while driving to my appointment! They didn't want to send me into the hospital as there were so many germs and my immune system was garbage. They started an IV right in their office for the first time ever and essentially put me in a storage room on a bed for hours while filling my body with fluids. I even had to show them how to use some of the equipment, all those months in the hospital pay off some days. They did an ultrasound of the baby to make sure she was tolerating all the sickness well. She looks great and is growing on schedule and developing as she should. I had the privilege of seeing her beautiful 4 chamber heart once again and could thank God for a miracle I never understood before meeting Hope.
When I finally began to feel human again, I spent a day running around to catch up on all the errands I had gotten so far behind on. While dropping something off at a friends house I jokingly told her I thought I broke my ribs. I had this terrible pain in my side that had started in the morning. By 4 pm the pain was so intense I couldn't handle it any longer and had to go back to the hospital again! They confirmed that I had indeed broken at least 1 but possibly 3 ribs from coughing so hard with all my yucky germs I'd been fighting. I spent the next couple of days on pain meds but eventually began feeling nauseous from those and went off them. I am now feeling a lot more comfortable and can cough or sneeze without getting tense beforehand. They said the healing process may be slow with all the movement in my ribs from the baby growing. They don't realize that we've been praying about it and things are healing faster than I expected and I'm almost back to my normal routine. I still have a difficult time picking up anything heavy, that includes Sadie girl.
This morning under the tree were a few gifts from my family for the new little lady that grows in my belly. Opening little girl clothes once again and being reminded that this girl is coming in a few short months was nice. I'm excited to meet her and often wonder if she'll look like Hope. I look forward to having the moments with her that I wasn't able to have with Hope. I feel afraid when I think about planning this daughter's 1st birthday as I know it was the only one I ever had the privilege of planning for Hope. At the same time, I look forward to telling her often about her big sister up in Heaven who was such a world changer and will forever be precious in our family.
I also had the joy of walking down memory lane. My mom worked tirelessly this year and completed a scrapbook of the first 30 years of my life! (I turn 30 on the 28th this month) She beautifully laid out our precious Hope and our life journey with her. I was also reminded of my terrible haircut choice in grade 8, boyfriends that just weren't Shawn and friends I haven't seen in years. It was such a gift to sit and go through it all with my mom and to enjoy her hard labours finally!
The holiday season was full of a lot of blessing. Although we thought often of Christmas last year and knew that our family was one short, we were glad that Sadie didn't have to spend all day at the hospital this year and could enjoy time with her extended family. Someone who never identified themselves dropped off very creative packages on our doorstep each morning for the 12 days of Christmas. I often laughed or smiled going through them and it was something to look forward to each day. We also received a video we requested be made after Hope's death and were able to watch it just before Christmas. Watching Hope smile and hearing her whine was a precious gift we will cherish. I have yet to sit through more than 20 seconds of it before the tears begin to stream. If anyone would like a good cry and a reminder of how bright her smiles were, I'm happy to watch it again! I also spent this Christmas knowing that Hope was celebrating Jesus' birth with the birthday boy. That's much more exciting than what we were doing here on earth and I picture her in absolute joy and peace and that is comforting. I don't wish her back here to a world of pain, I just look forward to joining her one day in paradise.
Merry Christmas!
Wednesday, 20 November 2013
Naked Truth
Many people told me that losing Hope would make me a better mom to Sadie. They were wrong. Today was horrible, down right awful. Today I hit the wall of a build up of Sadie's whining, complaining and bad attitude. I don't know what happened to our sweet girl, but over the last 72 hours she's been more of a thorn in my flesh than a precious blessing. By 4:30 pm I had hit rock bottom. Sadie and I could no longer work together and we needed Shawn. At 4:45 I begged him to leave work early to save me from the anger and frustration I was feeling. The moment he walked in the door I washed my hands of being a mother for the rest of the day.
Tonight I went into Sadie's room where she was sleeping, crawled into bed beside her and wept bitterly. Losing a child doesn't make you a better mother, it only makes you feel worse when you aren't a great mother. I know the reality of how much it sucks to be "free" of parenting a child. When I have a day where I feel like I wish I'd never had children, I crash at the end of the day feeling the horrible and real pain of what that would cost me. I stroked Sadie's hair and sobbed into her pillow as I knew that I had not been capable of showing her the fruits of the spirit, of parenting her in love and kindness and feeling like a failure for giving up on her. How can you be so angry with someone you love more than yourself?
Tomorrow hasn't yet arrived and I know that it will be a day full of more pain than today and it frightens me too much to go to sleep. My 6th 21st and a half year since I watched my baby girl take her final breath, all her muscles relax and life leave her body. A baby that was so difficult to parent so many times and yet I would take our worst day back over and over again just to spend it with her. I long to spend tomorrow alone, curled up in bed with a large supply of kleenex. Instead I have to live a normal day and function for Sadie. Perhaps I should say that Sadie has to deal with me for the day. I realize that much of my impatience and frustration comes not only from her attitude, but also from my emotional state.
Becoming a mother has been one of the most painful, difficult and rewarding decisions I've ever made. I often resent the deep wounds that Hope's death left. I cherish the lessons I learned through her life, the way it forced me to fully rely on God and the understanding that we all need community that came out of it. But I struggle with how the deep wounds leave so much pain, pain that makes me tired as a mother with Sadie. Pain that makes it too difficult to deal with 3 year old attitude on bad days. Pain that hides in the soul and bubbles up whenever it feels like it, often when I don't have time for it. Usually on a weekday when I don't have the luxury of turning to Shawn for help and support.
In these last few days of deep frustration and intense feelings of failure, I have reached out to God. I find a show Sadie loves and get her cozy next to me on the couch so I can sit and journal in prayer. My frustration only grows as she decides to draw in my journal, touch my face and ask me 4,000 questions instead of watching her show and letting me get refreshed. At night I'm exhausted and just want to sleep and when I wake up each morning I have never had enough sleep. The pregnancy takes all the extra energy I have. When you can identify that you're empty and you are tying to refuel, it's only that much more frustrating when your efforts are failing. I've resorted to praying while I pee, at least I do that a lot while pregnant!
Once again I am reminded of my deep need for Jesus. I can't parent a healthy child without him. I don't have the strength in myself, I don't have the patience required either. Just as I have no idea how single mothers survive, I can not understand how one parents without the grace and love that Jesus gives. Each time I have a day of darkness like today, the only thing that carries me through is knowing that I am not perfect, but Jesus has saved me by grace. Salvation is thankfully not earned, as I would fall short. It is grace that will get me out of bed tomorrow and give me the strength to try again, even on a day that I just want to be alone. We get so frustrated with our children, I can only imagine what it's like to be God and watch his children fall over and over again. Tonight I am reaching out, taking his hand and getting back on my feet. Thankfully this earth is not my home and is fleeting in comparison to eternity. One day in glory I will go to sleep without tears.
Tomorrow is a new day, a difficult day to face, but a day I hope to show Sadie how much I love and cherish her. A day that I hope to hold her close and remind her of how blessed I am to be her mother. A day that I will feel the pain of not holding Hope, yet be comforted to know that Jesus is doing it for me and one day I will join them. Tomorrow is a day I could really use some prayer.
Tonight I went into Sadie's room where she was sleeping, crawled into bed beside her and wept bitterly. Losing a child doesn't make you a better mother, it only makes you feel worse when you aren't a great mother. I know the reality of how much it sucks to be "free" of parenting a child. When I have a day where I feel like I wish I'd never had children, I crash at the end of the day feeling the horrible and real pain of what that would cost me. I stroked Sadie's hair and sobbed into her pillow as I knew that I had not been capable of showing her the fruits of the spirit, of parenting her in love and kindness and feeling like a failure for giving up on her. How can you be so angry with someone you love more than yourself?
Tomorrow hasn't yet arrived and I know that it will be a day full of more pain than today and it frightens me too much to go to sleep. My 6th 21st and a half year since I watched my baby girl take her final breath, all her muscles relax and life leave her body. A baby that was so difficult to parent so many times and yet I would take our worst day back over and over again just to spend it with her. I long to spend tomorrow alone, curled up in bed with a large supply of kleenex. Instead I have to live a normal day and function for Sadie. Perhaps I should say that Sadie has to deal with me for the day. I realize that much of my impatience and frustration comes not only from her attitude, but also from my emotional state.
Becoming a mother has been one of the most painful, difficult and rewarding decisions I've ever made. I often resent the deep wounds that Hope's death left. I cherish the lessons I learned through her life, the way it forced me to fully rely on God and the understanding that we all need community that came out of it. But I struggle with how the deep wounds leave so much pain, pain that makes me tired as a mother with Sadie. Pain that makes it too difficult to deal with 3 year old attitude on bad days. Pain that hides in the soul and bubbles up whenever it feels like it, often when I don't have time for it. Usually on a weekday when I don't have the luxury of turning to Shawn for help and support.
In these last few days of deep frustration and intense feelings of failure, I have reached out to God. I find a show Sadie loves and get her cozy next to me on the couch so I can sit and journal in prayer. My frustration only grows as she decides to draw in my journal, touch my face and ask me 4,000 questions instead of watching her show and letting me get refreshed. At night I'm exhausted and just want to sleep and when I wake up each morning I have never had enough sleep. The pregnancy takes all the extra energy I have. When you can identify that you're empty and you are tying to refuel, it's only that much more frustrating when your efforts are failing. I've resorted to praying while I pee, at least I do that a lot while pregnant!
Once again I am reminded of my deep need for Jesus. I can't parent a healthy child without him. I don't have the strength in myself, I don't have the patience required either. Just as I have no idea how single mothers survive, I can not understand how one parents without the grace and love that Jesus gives. Each time I have a day of darkness like today, the only thing that carries me through is knowing that I am not perfect, but Jesus has saved me by grace. Salvation is thankfully not earned, as I would fall short. It is grace that will get me out of bed tomorrow and give me the strength to try again, even on a day that I just want to be alone. We get so frustrated with our children, I can only imagine what it's like to be God and watch his children fall over and over again. Tonight I am reaching out, taking his hand and getting back on my feet. Thankfully this earth is not my home and is fleeting in comparison to eternity. One day in glory I will go to sleep without tears.
Tomorrow is a new day, a difficult day to face, but a day I hope to show Sadie how much I love and cherish her. A day that I hope to hold her close and remind her of how blessed I am to be her mother. A day that I will feel the pain of not holding Hope, yet be comforted to know that Jesus is doing it for me and one day I will join them. Tomorrow is a day I could really use some prayer.
Sunday, 17 November 2013
2 Years of Change
It was 2 years ago today that Hope was diagnosed with HLHS and our lives were changed forever. It's hard to believe it's been that long, it truly feels much longer. I sit at almost the same place in a new pregnancy, just 3 weeks ahead of where I was with Hope, and carrying another girl.
Sadie has been very excited about Christmas this year and putting on a lot of pressure to decorate. After Shawn carried the boxes up from the basement I began going through everything completely oblivious to the emotions that lay inside those boxes. Our stocking holder is down a stocking this year and it remains in the box. Our tree carries a couple of ornaments with Hope's name and one that represents her first and only Christmas here on earth. I was thinking yesterday how beautiful it is to know that she celebrated Jesus' birth once on earth and will now forever celebrate him face to face. I forgot how much the holidays are full of decorations with her name and how easily my mind goes to her.
In the last 24 hours I attended 3 Christmas craft sales. I absolutely love wandering through Christmas craft sales each year. This year I find myself leaving not with Christmas themed goods, but with anything that has a heart. I am so drawn to the things that remind me of her and love to put hearts on Sadie and I know I'll love putting them on the new baby as well.
Some things are still too difficult for me. The thought of putting a family photo in a Christmas card is too much this year. I don't want a photo without her in it, but knowing that she's been gone since May makes it obvious that our photo would be very outdated. Next year I hope to be more comfortable with our family of 4, always knowing it was meant to be a family of 5. Sadie's school asked for a family photo to put up on our their bulletin board. Knowing Sadie would never bother going to look at it, I decided not to send one in. I couldn't decide whether to send one with Hope or without. I look forward to the passing of time in that way, one day it won't make sense to send a photo with her in it any longer.
Sadie has taken to informing random strangers that her sister died. It creates some interesting conversations, but her desire to talk about her sister is so innocent and beautiful that I embrace the awkwardness and just try to make the shocked stranger more comfortable.
I think a lot about the families that will spend this Christmas in the hospital and my heart breaks for them. I think the hardest thing last year, was knowing that everybody is excited and happy. It's weird to walk around in a world pumped with joy for a holiday when you feel completely exhausted, emotionally empty and not interested in anything festive. It does force you to look beyond the hype of the holiday and back to the reason we were meant to celebrate anyway! I'm trying to balance how to raise Sadie to be excited about the birth of our Saviour and not just the new toothpaste in her stocking.
November 21st will mark 6 months without Hope. It's hard to believe that half of a year has already passed by. I dread facing another 21st and yet look forward to another one being gone. We have our Bible study that night and with timing I may have to force myself to cook dinner on the 21st once again. I know that we need to continue living, but that one day a month I like to allow myself to let the pain of her loss set in and truly grieve. Perhaps we better order a pizza!
Monday morning I'll have the echo done on the new baby's heart. I feel confident that everything is okay, but will be more relaxed when it's completed. Thank you for continuing to pray for our family and this little one that continues to grow.
Sadie has been very excited about Christmas this year and putting on a lot of pressure to decorate. After Shawn carried the boxes up from the basement I began going through everything completely oblivious to the emotions that lay inside those boxes. Our stocking holder is down a stocking this year and it remains in the box. Our tree carries a couple of ornaments with Hope's name and one that represents her first and only Christmas here on earth. I was thinking yesterday how beautiful it is to know that she celebrated Jesus' birth once on earth and will now forever celebrate him face to face. I forgot how much the holidays are full of decorations with her name and how easily my mind goes to her.
In the last 24 hours I attended 3 Christmas craft sales. I absolutely love wandering through Christmas craft sales each year. This year I find myself leaving not with Christmas themed goods, but with anything that has a heart. I am so drawn to the things that remind me of her and love to put hearts on Sadie and I know I'll love putting them on the new baby as well.
Some things are still too difficult for me. The thought of putting a family photo in a Christmas card is too much this year. I don't want a photo without her in it, but knowing that she's been gone since May makes it obvious that our photo would be very outdated. Next year I hope to be more comfortable with our family of 4, always knowing it was meant to be a family of 5. Sadie's school asked for a family photo to put up on our their bulletin board. Knowing Sadie would never bother going to look at it, I decided not to send one in. I couldn't decide whether to send one with Hope or without. I look forward to the passing of time in that way, one day it won't make sense to send a photo with her in it any longer.
Sadie has taken to informing random strangers that her sister died. It creates some interesting conversations, but her desire to talk about her sister is so innocent and beautiful that I embrace the awkwardness and just try to make the shocked stranger more comfortable.
I think a lot about the families that will spend this Christmas in the hospital and my heart breaks for them. I think the hardest thing last year, was knowing that everybody is excited and happy. It's weird to walk around in a world pumped with joy for a holiday when you feel completely exhausted, emotionally empty and not interested in anything festive. It does force you to look beyond the hype of the holiday and back to the reason we were meant to celebrate anyway! I'm trying to balance how to raise Sadie to be excited about the birth of our Saviour and not just the new toothpaste in her stocking.
November 21st will mark 6 months without Hope. It's hard to believe that half of a year has already passed by. I dread facing another 21st and yet look forward to another one being gone. We have our Bible study that night and with timing I may have to force myself to cook dinner on the 21st once again. I know that we need to continue living, but that one day a month I like to allow myself to let the pain of her loss set in and truly grieve. Perhaps we better order a pizza!
Monday morning I'll have the echo done on the new baby's heart. I feel confident that everything is okay, but will be more relaxed when it's completed. Thank you for continuing to pray for our family and this little one that continues to grow.
Monday, 4 November 2013
A Precious Face
Last night was one of the worst sleeps I've had in a long time. It was one of those nights where you long for morning to come so you can stop trying to sleep. Finally my alarm went off and I got up to get ready. Shawn and I had very little time to get Sadie ready and get in the car. I'm not sure why I didn't just get up and start earlier, I guess I had hoped I would be sleeping.
We sat in almost the same place we sat as we waited for the ultrasound with Hope. It's across from the kids play area and both times we had Sadie in tow. As we went into the room I was nervous. I was hoping the technician would begin with the heart, but she waited until later in the ultrasound to even take a look. As soon as the probe was over the baby's heart, I could clearly see each of the four chambers. I'm not sure I would have previously recognized this detail. It struck me as I finally saw a healthy heart and realized how broken Hope's heart truly was.
I went into the ultrasound fairly confident that this baby was a boy. I think in knowing that a baby girl would be more difficult for me emotionally, I believed that God would have mercy and give me a boy. You would think that I would have learned through our journey with Hope that life is difficult and we don't always get an easy ride. When we found out that this baby was indeed a baby girl, I was surprised and emotionally numb for a moment. It slowly set in and I knew that I was okay with it, but also needed to be very careful. I don't want this baby girl to have to live in Hope's shadow and to fulfil the dreams that I missed out on with Hope. This is a new creation, and we want her to know that we want her to be an individual. We are thrilled that Sadie gets to have the sister she's been asking for and I'm good at raising girls, it's all I know!
The doctor came in shortly after looking everything over. She agreed that this little girls heart looks to be healthy. She would still like us to have an echo done. An appointment was booked for 2 weeks from now. An echo will allow them to see clearer detail of the heart and with our history, this could be important. I'll likely relax a lot more after this echo is finished and we know this girl has a healthy heart all over.
This pregnancy has not been easy. Emotionally I've done fairly well, I have my moments of rubbing my belly and remembering those safe moments we had of Hope in my belly. Most of the time I look forward to the experiences I missed out on with Hope. I want to hold my baby right after she's born, to nurse her, to bring her home and to not have to insert feeding tubes or give injections. My hips and my pelvis have been a whole new level of horrible. When I look back at my pregnancy with Hope I can now see how much better my body handled it. I have such severe pressure in my pelvis that I can barely walk at times and often struggle to fall asleep because of the pain. I continue in treatments and am doing what I can, but I know these next 20 weeks are going to be long and difficult. I would rather suffer pain in pregnancy, than have my baby suffer pain in life.
Thank you for praying for us, for the health of this baby and for this transition in our lives. We praise God for a healthy baby girl and the opportunity to raise another child. Please pray for us as we prepare to bring home another girl. I cannot forget preparing for Hope's birth and many of the clothes and blankets I put into the drawers will be the same. Please continue to pray for each of us as we get ready to enter a new transition. Most of all, praise the Lord with us for this precious blessing.
We sat in almost the same place we sat as we waited for the ultrasound with Hope. It's across from the kids play area and both times we had Sadie in tow. As we went into the room I was nervous. I was hoping the technician would begin with the heart, but she waited until later in the ultrasound to even take a look. As soon as the probe was over the baby's heart, I could clearly see each of the four chambers. I'm not sure I would have previously recognized this detail. It struck me as I finally saw a healthy heart and realized how broken Hope's heart truly was.
I went into the ultrasound fairly confident that this baby was a boy. I think in knowing that a baby girl would be more difficult for me emotionally, I believed that God would have mercy and give me a boy. You would think that I would have learned through our journey with Hope that life is difficult and we don't always get an easy ride. When we found out that this baby was indeed a baby girl, I was surprised and emotionally numb for a moment. It slowly set in and I knew that I was okay with it, but also needed to be very careful. I don't want this baby girl to have to live in Hope's shadow and to fulfil the dreams that I missed out on with Hope. This is a new creation, and we want her to know that we want her to be an individual. We are thrilled that Sadie gets to have the sister she's been asking for and I'm good at raising girls, it's all I know!
The doctor came in shortly after looking everything over. She agreed that this little girls heart looks to be healthy. She would still like us to have an echo done. An appointment was booked for 2 weeks from now. An echo will allow them to see clearer detail of the heart and with our history, this could be important. I'll likely relax a lot more after this echo is finished and we know this girl has a healthy heart all over.
This pregnancy has not been easy. Emotionally I've done fairly well, I have my moments of rubbing my belly and remembering those safe moments we had of Hope in my belly. Most of the time I look forward to the experiences I missed out on with Hope. I want to hold my baby right after she's born, to nurse her, to bring her home and to not have to insert feeding tubes or give injections. My hips and my pelvis have been a whole new level of horrible. When I look back at my pregnancy with Hope I can now see how much better my body handled it. I have such severe pressure in my pelvis that I can barely walk at times and often struggle to fall asleep because of the pain. I continue in treatments and am doing what I can, but I know these next 20 weeks are going to be long and difficult. I would rather suffer pain in pregnancy, than have my baby suffer pain in life.
Thank you for praying for us, for the health of this baby and for this transition in our lives. We praise God for a healthy baby girl and the opportunity to raise another child. Please pray for us as we prepare to bring home another girl. I cannot forget preparing for Hope's birth and many of the clothes and blankets I put into the drawers will be the same. Please continue to pray for each of us as we get ready to enter a new transition. Most of all, praise the Lord with us for this precious blessing.
Sunday, 3 November 2013
Another November
It's odd to find ourselves in a similar position in November, just 2 years later. In November 2011 we got up early in the morning to take Sadie and have our 19 week ultrasound. Now, here we are in November 2013, about to do the same thing. Tomorrow morning at 7:45am we will pack up our little family and head to the exact same ultrasound clinic to FINALLY find out what's growing inside my tummy. I never imagined myself hoping so deeply for 4 healthy chambers in the heart and caring so little about whether the baby is a girl or a boy. Tomorrow will also mark 20 weeks into this pregnancy, half way to meeting this new miracle.
As I've been reflecting about this ultrasound and trying not to be concerned, I've come to the conclusion that nothing inside my heart will change either way. Although Hope's life was extremely difficult and we did not receive the desired outcome, God proved faithful. When I look back at her life I am able to clearly see how God used her life and her struggle to draw not only us, but thousands of others to their knees. It's through that realization that I'm able to continue breathing and know that whether this baby has a healthy heart or not, we will love it deeply and continue to trust in a God that deeply loves his children.
Tomorrow will also kick off a new time of processing for me. Once we know the sex of the baby, I've committed to going through Hope's room to begin transitioning it into a room for the new baby. I'll be removing her clothes and filling the drawers with newborn clothes in pink or blue. It's something I've avoided doing but am finally feeling ready to conquer. I spent some time in there this weekend and although my time in her room is often full of tears, I do not leave her room defeated.
This past week Sadie told me that Jesus died but he is alive again. When I told her she was right, she continued with, "that's what happened to Hope too!" I was confused at first as I worried she was suggesting that Hope was going to move back into our home. When I questioned her, she explained that Hope and Jesus were alive together in heaven. I was so blown away by her ability to understand "new life" in Christ.
Please pray for our family tonight as we try to get some rest and tomorrow morning as we face a familiar setting that is not full of happy memories. Please pray that we would be ready for whatever is ahead and that they'd be able to get clear pictures of the baby. Thank you for continuing to care and for walking with us through this journey of grief, and the gift of new life.
As I've been reflecting about this ultrasound and trying not to be concerned, I've come to the conclusion that nothing inside my heart will change either way. Although Hope's life was extremely difficult and we did not receive the desired outcome, God proved faithful. When I look back at her life I am able to clearly see how God used her life and her struggle to draw not only us, but thousands of others to their knees. It's through that realization that I'm able to continue breathing and know that whether this baby has a healthy heart or not, we will love it deeply and continue to trust in a God that deeply loves his children.
Tomorrow will also kick off a new time of processing for me. Once we know the sex of the baby, I've committed to going through Hope's room to begin transitioning it into a room for the new baby. I'll be removing her clothes and filling the drawers with newborn clothes in pink or blue. It's something I've avoided doing but am finally feeling ready to conquer. I spent some time in there this weekend and although my time in her room is often full of tears, I do not leave her room defeated.
This past week Sadie told me that Jesus died but he is alive again. When I told her she was right, she continued with, "that's what happened to Hope too!" I was confused at first as I worried she was suggesting that Hope was going to move back into our home. When I questioned her, she explained that Hope and Jesus were alive together in heaven. I was so blown away by her ability to understand "new life" in Christ.
Please pray for our family tonight as we try to get some rest and tomorrow morning as we face a familiar setting that is not full of happy memories. Please pray that we would be ready for whatever is ahead and that they'd be able to get clear pictures of the baby. Thank you for continuing to care and for walking with us through this journey of grief, and the gift of new life.
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