Wednesday, 10 July 2013

Changing Landscapes

Our journey of grief continues and the landscape changes daily.  Some days I feel as though I'm coasting down hill and the wind feels amazing as it blows past my face.  The next day I'm cruising along flat ground and I don't feel stressed, but have to work to feel joy.  Then out of nowhere the terrain will change and the steep mountains arrive and I struggle with each step I take.  A true journey.  Ever changing and never boring.

Monday was a difficult day.  I was coming down from a fun visit with two of my old friends from Ontario, Sadie's 3rd Birthday party and a whole lot of laughs.  I went back to the hospital on Monday for the birthday party of a little girl that lived down the hall from Hope for much of our stay in Calgary. The hospital is difficult, but something I desire to conquer.  I feel exhausted and overwhelmed there, but I felt like I was doing alright.  Before leaving, Sadie and I went upstairs to the Cardiology ward to return some of the supplies we still had for Hope.  The only visits we made to the clinic were during the time that we had Hope at home.  It reminded me of the glorious days that I never realized were so precious and would be so few.  They were testing the system and called a Code Blue while we were upstairs.  It sent chills down my spine as the staff ran to answer the call and I knew that a similar team had been running to Hope in Edmonton on May 21st.  It disturbs me to know that a place that was very much our home for almost a year, is now a place that lacks purpose in my everyday life.  I was overcome with emotion.

This has finally brought me to the place that I needed to be.  I have avoided grief counselling as we only have a certain amount of coverage and I feared that if I started before I was truly "broken" that I would run out and go broke trying to put myself back together again.  I made my first appointment and will hopefully be able to work through the emotions under the surface that I have not begun to touch or process.  It is also good timing as I saw our old cardiologist on Monday and he would like to meet with Shawn and I at the end of August to go through Hope's autopsy report with us.  A meeting that will be difficult in our journey with grief.

As much as the last 48 hours have been an uphill climb, it is never without breaks.  Out of nowhere will appear a place for me to rest and be reminded that we are not alone and are loved and cared for.  Even today I had a special delivery to bring a smile to my face and remind me that an army walks alongside me.  I am still in awe of the community that God has raised up around us and I am so thankful for that support.

I have not been able to shake the feeling of being rushed at all times.  I am constantly asking Sadie to hurry up or do things quickly.  I still feel an urge to get somewhere quickly.  Hope is no longer here and I'm not in a rush to the hospital, but my mind still feels that I am.  I want Sadie to experience the joy of playing, running errands and living life with a mom that can enjoy it.   Would you please pray for me as I seek to find more patience, relaxation and joy in the small moments of life?  Shawn refers to it as "fun mom" when my laid back personality breaks through the fog.  I need "fun mom" to come back on a full time basis, well maybe part time so I'm not late for everything!

Sadie still talks about her sister constantly.  She has asked if Jesus has wipes to clean up after Hope, as I wiped Sadie's bum.  She told me that we only miss her because we loved her so much.  She asked me if when we had a new baby, if the baby would be healthy.  She even asked me how big people that die fit into the little box that Hope was in.  No mother should have to explain to a 2 year old that coffins come in all sizes.  Hope was dearly loved by Sadie and is still sharp in her mind.  I am burdened by the truth that this will not always be the case and I seek to cherish the things she says about her now.

Today we received the books our friends made, 'Hope's Reach'.  I have begun to read the stories that people sent in on how Hope impacted their lives.  Shawn and I read many tonight as we laid in bed and were brought to tears.  I look forward to the many hours that will go into finishing the book as we read along.  We feel blessed to have the opportunity to read the stories and hear of her impact.  We are also humbled.  I was reminded tonight of how great our God is.  A God that could use a tiny little girl to captivate the world.  Much like the tiny baby Jesus that he used to bring life, and life to the fullest for us all.  I still hope in my heart that the people touched by Hope's story will allow Jesus into their lives.  I want to have a party in Heaven with all those that are there because of Hope's struggle and the way Jesus used her to show his love for our world.

I know that one day I'll be with Jesus and Hope in heaven.  Until then, I live in a world that needs HOPE and I will do my best to help others find it.  Sometimes climbing a mountain gives you a view of the world you've never seen before.  It has truly opened my eyes and taken away the opportunity to be naive and believe that this is a beautiful place.  True beauty is only found in Jesus and it is there that I choose to place my hope.

17 comments:

  1. Amy,

    I'm so thankful when I get to read your posts. Every time you post, I'm reminded of true priorities and God's love for all.

    The other day we were at Michael's and saw you there. I shared this with my ten year old and of course you don't have a name (as most adults don't to 10 year olds) you were "Baby Hope's Mom".

    We both said a little prayer for you right then and there and we felt the presence of God right there in the store. I hope you felt it too. Maybe not, but he was there with you.

    Learning about your grief journey and your honesty throughout has brought deeper meaning to everything we do with our parenting.

    Have a blessed day Amy, you sure are loved over here!

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  2. Hi Amy, I saw a link to your post's via facebook and was drawn to it because I have a "heart baby". I was diagnosed in-utero with a heart baby when I was 5 months pregnant and the journey began. I am so thank-full that my little man is doing great - he is 2 1/2 and has had 2 open heart surgeries and a pace maker but you would never know it. I think about other heart babies/children/families all the time. Your journey brings tears to my eyes, I have never met you but I know you will get through it.

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  3. God bless you, Amy. Your honesty will be such a help to so many. X

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  4. I am still grieving with you, Amy, though I can never know the depths of your pain. Hoping God will help to lift you and hold you close as you continue to deal with your emotions and pain.

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  5. Amy,

    One of those stories in your book is mine. You have been such an encouragement to me as you're a few steps ahead of me in this journey. Hope has been mine and my husband's theme in all this. Of course we have the earthly hope that he will get better, but we have a much deeper hope because of Christ. Our son, Caleb, has been on ECMO for a month and will pass shortly if a new heart does not become available for him. Just as you did, we are fighting to the bitter end for a miracle, but it is good for my heart to see hope in the other side if my worst fears. Thank you, dear Sister. God has and is truly being glorified through Hope's life.

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    1. Ugh. Sorry for the typos. Sleep deprivation and auto correct are a bad combo...

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  6. I see you were up late while writing this blog, Amy. I can picture you sitting alone in the quiet
    and pouring out your heart to whoever happens to be out here listening. I just wanted you to
    know that I am still watching and caring about you ...and as I write that, I can see Jesus tenderly watching over you as well, as you search for the words to express your feelings. He thankfully
    doesn't need you to explain any of them....He knows and understands and loves you so much. I know He is your refuge and your strength as you grieve for your sweet baby girl. May tomorrow bring more moments of unexpected joy.
    xo

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  7. Prayers and continued thoughts from Ontario. Looking forward to July 26th. Safe travels both to Oakville and on your journey along the path of grieving.

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  8. Hi Amy,
    I know you stayed at RMHNA when Hope was in Edmonton. We did too for the summer of 2011. I think we even stayed in the same room cause I visited the house once for coffee after Eva died and walked down the hall where we used to live and saw a frame with the words hope on it and I'm pretty sure it was your Hope in the frame. Although I could be wrong as I wasn't following your blog then and am going from memory. Anyway, I know you're doing the run for Hope but thought this might be something that would interest you as something to do with the House and be good for Sadie too. We are having our main ride in Sexsmith (Northern Alberta) but L4L4L is doing an Edmonton Edition at the House. Anyway, here's the link...sending love, even though you don't know me. I think about Hope every day.
    Hi Amy,
    I know you stayed at RMHNA when Hope was in Edmonton. We did too for the summer of 2011. I think we even stayed in the same room cause I visited the house once for coffee after Eva died and walked down the hall where we used to live and saw a frame with the words hope on it and I'm pretty sure it was your Hope in the frame. Although I could be wrong as I wasn't following your blog then and am going from memory. Anyway, I know you're doing the run for Hope but thought this might be something that would interest you as something to do with the House and be good for Sadie too. We are having our main ride in Sexsmith (Northern Alberta) but L4L4L is doing an Edmonton Edition at the House. Anyway, here's the link...sending love, even though you don't know me. I think about Hope every day.
    http://www.local4local4local.com/events.html

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  9. Hi Amy,
    Please read July 16 entry at the Loveworks Burundi 2013 blog http://helpcreatechange.tumblr.com/
    <3 Lily (Sam's Mom)

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  10. Sadie is ur daughter! Hope ur second , Sadie's kid sister! ! it's the enemy that wants to make a big of Sadie's falling short.
    She's just a pre-schooler trying to understand adult events & thinking like an adult! Wen she is only a kid herself!
    I can appreciate that u feel rushed! I wonder who is putting that mis-info in ur phychi?
    could it b the enemy of our soul?
    I think so!
    being in God's waiting room is no picnic! it's totally exhausting journey! a journey u must travel alone! No Sean or Sadie or dear ole mom!
    It's no secret to God that u r struggling with GI-NORMOUSE loss of Hope! GOD knos that! HE has the perfect blue print recovery plan for u, for Sean & for Sadie & of course ur mom too! but it's only accessible wen u stop & God is allowed to b God! I kno that sounds harsh & cold & calloused !
    I m only sieaking from experience !
    DON'T allow the people comments to take route if they don't have too! Don't let Satan to turn ur blogging fog & derail u entirely! This blogging site is used to keep ur focus & those that read ur blog to be encouraged & hopeful in ur nu journey without Hope! How easily & quickly can Satan turn this into his totol of terrorism leading o maime & destroy u & ur families holistically!
    well enuf said from my end! Only MB knos my story of total heartbreak & abandonment! A secular song from the 70's comes to mind. A song of Carly Simon's/ nobody does it better! Y u have to so good ? so good at being my
    daughter, now gone! Originally from a Janes Bond 007 movie. I guess ur mission should u decide it! decide too! Is to prove to those reading ur gut wrenching blogs ! to keep the focus on Jesus Christt only, no matter wat! there is only a guilt trip if u impose it upon urselves! God can't & won't force ur hand & say to u "come on! Y u so slow, tic toc let's get a move on, girl! Wat is or who is the hold up?" Alot of families in Moore, state of Oklahoma. Lost absolutely everything! & some even lost their whole families too! After that its record breaking swarms of deadly tornadoes! Lasting a period of 14 whole minutes!
    Anyone surviving an F-5 tornado that horrible day in early May. knows that 14 minutes seems like forever wen an F-5 tornado 2 miles wide is pounding down on u! Even infamous storm chasers, experienced but not storm chasers lose their lives wen a twister suddenly changed direction now heading their way! At such a speed they couldn't flee for their lives! It was just that fast that that same tornado took their lives!
    I guess wat I m driving at is: Satan wants u to rush rush in ur recovery period. zoom zoom is not in God's vocabulary! It's more like. If u dare to let go & let God!
    will usher u thru each segment of time, ensuring u r nrot rushing God's oerfecr plan for total healing for u & ur family! God is a very patient! Take as long as u like. That's ur choice! I suppose that's y the......took 40 yrs instead of a year in their journey to healing & health!
    rushing God is like a tornado out of control! Letting God be God is like the storm chasers warning u to remain alert & start heading for ur under ground shelter! One thing that cot my attn: was y wasn't there any storm shelters in any of the schools ! A huge giant over sight! that now today for the school boards is a very embarrassing over site since kids list their lives! enuf from me! I didn't plan on this being long winded at all!
    from Northern British Columbia.



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  11. Thinking of you today & beautiful baby Hope <3

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  12. Amy, thank you for sharing your life, your Hope, and God's grace. I am always encouraged by your faith! Continuing to pray for you as you have requested. With love in Christ.

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  13. I hope you know that, as much as God used baby Hope to bring Himself glory, he uses you and Shawn just as much. Your story AS A FAMILY continues to shine and lead others to Christ. You are loved.

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  14. Hi Amy - thank you for continuing to share your journey with us through your blog. You and your family continue to be in my prayers often, and your words help me to focus those prayers. I pray that you and Shawn will feel God's arms of love wrapped around you through your time of grieving.

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  15. Your family and wee Hope came to my mind today several times.

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