Good news and not-so-good news

Here is the update my mom sent out this afternoon...I'm feeling exhausted and can't pull it together enough to write one myself:


It was another 3 hour appointment!  The good news is that there is no narrowing of the atrial septal defect!!  Praise God!  They were very pleased to see that today as, in Edmonton, it had raised concerns with the cardiologists and would mean immediate intervention (catheterization) and additional risk once she is born.  It would also mean that Amy would not be able to hold her right after she is born, something that is very important to her.

Hope's growth has somewhat slowed and she has only gained less than 1/2 a pound in the last 2 weeks.  She is now in the 40th percentile for growth and they estimate her weight to be just under 5 lbs.  Although this is a change from the last ultrasound, she is still in the acceptable range for a heart baby.  They would ideally like to see more growth, so Amy has been encouraged to continue eating 24/7!

The not-so-good news is that they were able to get an even better picture of Hope's heart today than they had gotten in Edmonton and not only has the aorta not grown in size, it is actually smaller than they had predicted - today it measured 2.5 mm.  The surgeons would like to see it at least 3 mm. in diameter.  Having it smaller puts her at increased risk for the surgery, but it is still in the range of "expected" for HLHS babies.  

Although we were hoping and praying for better news on the size of Hope's aorta, we are reminded of the fact that God's not finished growing her yet!!  We ask your continued prayer for our little Hope - that God would make her the best possible candidate for the surgery ahead and that she would continue growing and developing until it's the best possible time for her to enter this world!!  

I hope that fills you all in on the latest with our little girl.  I'm thrilled to be finished with echoes here in Calgary and only have an appointment with the OB left before our departure to Edmonton.  We're getting closer and as we do, the nerves increase!

Snow that makes me grumpy...

Today is one of those tough days that sneak up on you for no reason.  I still know in my heart that I have so much to praise the Lord for, but today I'm having trouble getting past some minor annoyances.  Thankfully my cold was short lived and I'm feeling much better in that way.  Being sick caused me to get behind on a lot of my house work, between that and renovations, I'm living in a bit of a mess.

I can look out the window and appreciate the beauty of the snow, but I sure dislike it while I'm outside!  My boots are too difficult to bend over and put on, as a result I've been wearing slip on shoes and getting wet feet!  We all have those negative people in our lives that seem to complain constantly for no reason, today...that's me!

Sadie has continued to fight naps during the day, this raises my stress level as I truly need that break each day.  Please pray that Sadie would stop fighting naps and give in to her desire to sleep.  I'm sure there are moms all over that have this same prayer, not sure why God should choose to answer mine, but it doesn't hurt to ask!

Tomorrow morning is our last Calgary echo, they wouldn't normally be doing another echo here in Calgary but are concerned about the narrowing still and want to keep a close eye on it.  We're praying for good news about the size of Hope's aorta as well.  Shawn is not able to join me for the echo, it's always a long and draining test.  I'm hoping to use the time to journal and rejuvenate so I can get out of this funk.  I'm working to remind myself that even if I don't finish my to do list, life will still continue.

Today my prayer is for joy and peace, I continue to praise the Lord for the incredible ways that he blesses us each day.  I need my eyes to be opened to see these blessings more clearly.

Thank you for walking with us, even when we're not very chipper!

Three Short Weeks

It is hard to believe that we'll be settling in for our first night in Edmonton 3 weeks from now.  Time has gone so quickly and I feel like it's speeding up even more now.  We still have a lot to finish around the house, but are blessed to have a great group of guys coming to work on the painting tomorrow.  Hopefully we can at least finish the upstairs and get things back to working order, I can hardly stand the mess and lack of organization.

I'm currently suffering from, and denying, a bad chest cold.  Please pray that God would spare me from a long bout with this cold, and that it would fully clear and not return before Edmonton.  I'm hoping it's not the kind of cold that gets shared with my family as well.  I'm terrified of being sick while we're in Edmonton, we would have to move out of the Ronald McDonald House.  They don't allow you to stay there if you have a cold or flu, it's too dangerous for the other house guests that are in chemo and such.  It would make for a very expensive cold!

I had an OB appointment on Friday, they were very pleased with Hope's growth so far.  The OB said that Hope is actually big for a heart defect baby and they are surprised by her growth.  They continue to encourage me to gain as much weight as I can, this is easier on some days than others.  I'm quickly approaching the weight I delivered Sadie at and I'm starting to feel gross.  It's hard to feel attractive at the end of pregnancy when you don't have to gain extra weight!  I continually remind myself that the cardiologist was very firm when he told us that even an ounce would make a positive difference for Hope in surgery.  I'm eating desserts for Hope and I'll just have to remember that when she's out and I'm stuck with the damage for a while.

I have an echo on Wednesday and will get an update on Hope's aorta, I'll be sure to let you all know if there has been any growth.  This will be our last echo in Calgary, we'll have one more OB appointment and then will complete our Calgary care and transfer to the Edmonton team.  It's hard to believe we've gotten this far into the process, I'm starting to realize that it's almost time to go through labour again!  I greatly fear this labour as I know that Hope is so safe in the womb, I want to keep her there longer.

I have a lot of tough days right now as I struggle with the stress of relocating, renovating, the reality of Hope's delivery and the unknowns that are ahead of us.  I find myself feeling grumpy or frustrated over small, meaningless things.  I know it's the stress of everything approaching and I'm trying to stay on top of it and spare Shawn from it as well.  I'm being more intentional about spending time with my friends, it allows me to get out of the house and forget about all the things I should be doing.  I also know that I'll greatly miss them while I'm in Edmonton, and I need to take advantage of being so close to them now.

I need to get some sleep so I can fight this cold, but I'll be sure to update more as we get closer to departing.  I can only imagine that I'll be full of changing emotions and have lots to say!!  Thank you for continuing to hold us up in prayer and support us.  We truly appreciate the encouragement we receive from others and know that it gives us strength on the especially tough days.  We continue to trust the Lord with our journey and lean on him for everything we need, I believe he uses many of our friends to fill so many of our needs, for that we thank you.

Epiphany in the Bath...

Sadie absolutely loves to take a "baff".  Each day she starts asking for one when she wakes up and is continually told, "when daddy comes home, after supper."  Her love for baths makes taking one very difficult, she either tries to jump in with me or plays in the water until half of it is on the bathroom floor.  As a result, I've started to take a bath in the evening so I can be alone and enjoy them.  The only bad part about it, is the quiet, it allows me to focus on everything that is ahead for Hope and my heart breaks for her.

Tonight as I lay in the bath I was overwhelmed by the thought that I was sitting in a massive amount of clean drinking water.  All over the world there are people dying for clean drinking water, and multiple times a week, I sit in mass amounts of it to relax.  I was suddenly struck by how blessed we are, how truly lucky we are to live in North America.  I realized that it doesn't make sense to feel sorry for Hope.  Yes, she will have a difficult life at times and will experience pain that some of us never will.  Yet, she still has it so much better than most of the world.

Hope will be born in a hospital, that is not even an option for so many other babies.  Babies are dying all around the world each day because of poor birthing conditions and the lack of prenatal care for the mothers.  (www.savethemothers.org) Hope is going to receive the best medical care available, for free!  She will be vaccinated against numerous deadly diseases and will receive proper nutrition and clean water from the beginning.  Even in the womb she is blessed, I never go hungry, I'm taking vitamins and receiving prenatal care.  It's so easy to forget that we are the minority, we live in most peoples dream world.  Most importantly, Hope is being born into a safe and healthy home that loves God.  She will have the opportunity, from the start, to hear how much God loves her and wants her to love him too.

We want to raise our daughters with the awareness of how blessed they are.  We want our girls to get involved in things and support the efforts that are being made to make changes.  I sat in the tub and was overwhelmed with thankfulness for all the missionaries and humanitarian groups that are out in the world making a difference and bridging the gap.  I was challenged once again to focus on all the gifts that God has given us and not to allow the difficult things to get all the attention.

Just thought I would remind you all today, you are so blessed, be thankful!

A Whole Pound!!

Yesterday I went for another ultrasound, it's hard to believe a baby could need so many.  We got some great news at the ultrasound, Hope has gained a whole pound in the last two weeks!  The doctor was quite surprised as babies with HLHS tend to slow down their growth in the third trimester.  Hope is almost 4.5 pounds and is getting closer to a healthy weight for surgery.  We still have a month to go, we should be able to get her even bigger!

Every time we have an ultrasound or echo, we're always taken into a consultation room after to meet the doctor.  You would think that I would be used to this process and be able to relax.  Each time I walk down the hallway I get a terrible feeling as I think back to the first ultrasound that revealed Hope's heart condition.  Thankfully, we've been getting more positive news lately!

They booked another echo on Hope's heart for two weeks from now.  They want to look at her aorta and re-check the ASD to be sure there is still no narrowing taking place.  Thank you for praying for our little girl, it helped her gain a whole pound.  Please continue to pray that her aorta would grow at least a mm to make her a better candidate for surgery.

It is exactly one month today that we move to Edmonton.  It's coming quickly and we're starting to feel that pressure weighing on us as well.  I've been pretty good at starting to get the house organized, but I still have a long way to go.  Hopefully I can be productive in the next month and not get too overwhelmed.  If you love to organize, I have a storage room that needs some serious help! haha

Long Weekend Love

This entire experience with our unborn daughter has taught us something very important, to protect our marriage.  We know that half of all marriages end in divorce and that your chances of success are lower when faced with tragedy or the death of a child.  With this in mind, we decided early on to protect our marriage as much as we could.  As we wait for Hope to arrive, we've realized that all marriages need to be highly protected and guarded, no matter what is happening in your life.  Marriage is an amazing thing, but it has also failed or fallen apart for so many people.  We feel that this experience has already opened our eyes to the many things around that will try to destroy your relationship.  We have been challenged to fight for our marriage, even while things are going well and our love is strong.  We are no longer unaware of the fragility of all relationships.

Since Hope was diagnosed we have made our date nights with one another a priority.  This past weekend we headed to Jasper, just the two of us, to celebrate our fourth anniversary and invest in our marriage once again.  We had a fantastic weekend away and were sad to see it come to an end.  The Fairmont was kind enough to bless us with a lakefront suite and many perks that were unexpected.  I highly recommend them for a weekend getaway as the staff went above and beyond the call of duty to make our experience amazing.  I believe my large belly earned us free valet services, hot chocolate, candy and other treats throughout the weekend!

I won't bore you with all the details of the weekend, but will give you some of my highlights.  We saw a lot of elk, this is exciting if you're not from Alberta originally.  We went to a matinee, Shawn had to see a chick flick because the theatre was small and the other option was a kids movie!  I would recommend 'The Vow' but you'll have to ask Shawn for the man's view.  We ate some wonderful meals without the distraction of our little girl.  We swam in the heated outdoor pool each night and enjoyed sleeping in every morning and napping each afternoon.  Most importantly, we were reminded how much we love being together, the fun we have and the comfort of each others company. We were also reminded how much we love our little girl(s) and missed Sadie like crazy!

Sadie spent the first two nights with her grandparents and the last night with friends in our home.  She seemed to be perfectly happy when we got home and is adjusting to the changes beautifully.  We even packed her up and dragged her over to a friends house tonight.  She went to sleep well there and didn't seem to worry that we might leave her again.  It is a relief to know that she's doing well when we're away, but we still miss her like crazy when we're not together.  We talked of her often and were both eager to see her smiling face again when we got home.

As we get closer to our departure (4 1/2 weeks), I'm struck with the reality that my friends aren't coming along as well.  I realized today that even if I make time to see each one of them once a week until I go, I'll only see them 4 more times!  I spend many days out with friends and their kids, I will miss the social interactions but also that bond that I have with so many incredible woman in Calgary.  I'm thankful that my mom will be with us in Edmonton, but truly wish I could bring so many of my friends along as well.

Falling asleep at night has become my greatest struggle.  Shawn sent me out of bed tonight as I was keeping him up and he needs his sleep for work.  I toss and turn but can't seem to stop my brain from going wild and it keeps me up.  I've decided that I need to set a suitcase in the basement and start putting things in it that I know I need to bring, but don't currently need.  That way, I won't have to store that information in my brain and try to remember!  I know that the sleepless nights are more than a packing dilemma, I have a lot of fear of the unknowns ahead and the emotional stress involved.  Please pray that God would give me peace at night so that I can fall asleep and get the rest I need.

While we were away, our friends painted Sadie's big girl room and our guest room for us.  This is a task we had hoped to accomplish, but were pretty sure we'd never get to.  It was a wonderful and very kind gift that we are truly grateful for.  The next two weekends have been devoted to the final house renos. Now that the windows, furnace, attic insulation and new roof are all in, we need to do the finishing touches.  We realize that once Hope is home, we won't have the time to paint the baseboards, change the door knobs and finish all the other little projects.  We are blessed to have a group of men that have agreed to come over and help Shawn accomplish these tasks.  It not only takes a village to raise a child, it takes one to prepare for a baby sometimes!

Not sure why the walls look pink in this one, the lower picture shows the wall colour

Once again we are overwhelmed by the kindness and willingness of others to jump in and help out.  We are humbled by the outpouring of love we've received and believe that it carries us through the really hard days.  We know that each day will become more stressful as we approach our move to Edmonton, and our due date.  Thank you for continuing to pray for us and standing with us in this journey.  Please continue to pray for Hope's very tiny aorta to grow and that she would arrive with a healthy, natural labour before I have to be induced.

Day of Hearts

February, the plethora of hearts month.  There is no getting away from my thoughts of Hope when the world is plastered with hearts.  Not to mention the fact that, she is moving like crazy and is often placing her knee under my ribs, to remind me that she's there.  Valentines day has never been a very exciting thing to me, Shawn and I don't often do anything special.  I did have a Valentines day when I was 14 that involved the boy I liked, asking me to be his girlfriend, I think it ended before the month changed!

Today we celebrated by eating at Harvey's with Sadie and choosing paint colours at Home Depot.  I don't think I saw another woman in Home Depot that wasn't an employee!  I did force Shawn to watch Foot Loose with me in the evening, he was pretty excited about that.  I had been crying beforehand, this tends to make him do things he wouldn't normally agree to.  For some reason I felt overwhelmed today and felt my due date approaching at rapid speed.

My friends would agree that I like to plan, maybe even a little OCD in the planning department.  You would think that moving to another city for a couple of months and doing a million house projects would be my dream come true.  Instead I spend most of my time thinking about all I need to do and finding it impossible to get up and do it.

I've been reading a lot lately and am continually challenged by the things I read.  Most recently, an author was discussing the fact that many of us believe that good things happen to good people, and bad things to bad people.  I have never asked God 'why Hope?'  I realize that I don't believe that Shawn or I or anyone else did something to cause her heart to be deformed.  I believe today and have all along, that God has given Hope the perfect heart.  One that allows Him to shine through her story and to touch the lives of so many others.  Maybe I will turn my future Valentines days into the days that Shawn and I shower our girls with special love and thank God for their beating hearts.  That every heart we see in stores would give us an overwhelming sense of how truly blessed we are.

When I was a teenager, in those years where you are most impressionable as a girl and longing to be loved, I would wake up on Valentines day and find 6 roses in my room.  The other 6 would be in my sisters room, my dad put them there to remind us girls that he loved us and until the perfect man arrived, that would be enough.  I'm sure my mom was a helpful voice in this act and I desire to play the same role.  I want my girls to grow up knowing that God loves them, but that Shawn loves them dearly as well.  That until a man can love them like their dad does, they need to protect their hearts and wait.

So my question this February 14th is not, why Hope?  My question is not, why not all of us?  We have not done anything to deserve all the blessings we have in life and for all we know, we'll lose them tomorrow.  Maybe your Valentines day was amazing, maybe it was disappointing and lonely.   Either way, if your heart beats as you read this, you have reason to celebrate and be thankful this year too.

I can only hope that this entire journey will finally take some of the commercialism out of all the holidays and that I'll finally find something valuable in all of them, religious or not, and make them worth while to celebrate.  So tonight I will put my stressed out tears to rest for the day and go to sleep with the realization of how blessed I am to have Shawn and Sadie, both with beating hearts as they sleep and then I'll pray that Hope's aorta will grow...it is heart day after all!