It's hard to believe that almost a year ago we were doing the Heart Beats run around the Stollery. Shawn and I weren't able to be with our team in Calgary, but decided to run anyway. This year we have the privilege of running along with our friends and family, but lost the privilege of snuggling with Hope when we finish. We depended on and deeply valued Heart Beats through our journey with Hope. I have set a lofty fundraising goal of $5,000 this year and am hoping to make it! The run takes place on October 19th.
Here is the link to sponsor my run online:
https://www.runningroom.com/dashboard/donations/index.php?raceId=9364&eventId=28702&memberId=VjUDMFMzVjcDbAY7AD8%3D&lan=1&item=1
If that doesn't work, simply go to runningroom.ca and select PLEDGE AN ATHLETE and then type in Amy Koslowski.
Thank you in advance for your help. I look forward to having the free time to get more involved in the incredible and very practical ways that Heart Beats helps families in the midst of such a difficult journey.
As for our life, we passed another 21st and have now survived 4 months without Hope here. It honestly feels longer and we continue to miss her daily.
Sadie is currently sick, but we're hoping the antibiotics and steroid she started will get her back to her old self before we head out on our trip in 2 days. I'm not looking forward to being without her for so long, but I must admit the break from being a mother, a house cleaner and cook are very appealing. I'm not sure that my brain will know what to do with so much time to think about myself!
Thank you for continuing to encourage us and pray for our family. We are blessed.
Monday, 23 September 2013
Monday, 16 September 2013
A Rainbow Baby
A rainbow baby is a baby born after another child is lost. I found this definition online:
In the real world, a beautiful and bright rainbow follows a storm and gives hope of things getting better. The rainbow is more appreciated having just experienced the storm in comparison.
The storm (loss) has already happened and nothing can change that experience. Storm-clouds might still be overhead as the family continue to cope with the loss, but something colourful and bright has emerged from the darkness and misery.
In July we discovered that our rainbow baby is growing in my belly. The baby is due on March 25th and big sister Sadie is BEYOND excited to have a new baby around. She has requested that if this baby is born with a tube, we cut it off. I think she's trying to communicate her desire for this to be a healthy child and I couldn't agree more.
At the start of my pregnancy I was thinking about the comments I would receive from others and knew that, "as long as it's healthy!" would be among them often. I thought through this and came to a realization that although we would all love a healthy baby, I care more that my child will grow up and love Jesus. If I have a healthy baby that rejects God and chooses to live their own life, I miss out on eternity with them. If I have a sick baby that loves Jesus, I get to enjoy that child forever. Through our journey with Hope I have come to value a heart that loves Jesus far above a child that is healthy. It's a simple thought, just not one that ever crossed my mind while carrying Sadie in my pregnancy. I pray that this baby would be healthy, but that above all, it would grow up to choose Christ.
Sadie continues to talk about Hope and shares her desire to be with her again. I find it difficult to watch her long for her sister and yet, I'm comforted that she remembers her. She sat for over an hour watching movies of Hope on my phone and telling me all about them. I do the same thing some days. I am so thankful for all the pictures and videos we have of her.
Sadie has started pre-school and is loving it. She is enjoying the fall and the routine that comes along with it. I love seeing her learn new things and develop in her life. She continues to make us laugh and give us reasons to smile. After Sunday School this week as we put her in the car she said, "God has a plan for me!" Shawn responded humorously with, "Really? Since when?" That stumped Sadie, but she didn't care. She knew that God has plan for her life and that's all she cared about!
Some of you may remember after Hope's death that our friends put together a book called 'Hope's Reach'. The book is full of letters from people describing how Hope impacted their lives. It's a massive colour book full of stories and photos of our little girl. It took me 3 weeks to read through the entire book. It's LONG, but also extremely rich and not easy to take in large amounts at once. I was so moved by it and am thankful to have it. We spent time editing mistakes out of the first copy and getting it all ready for printing. The book will now be printed and we've decided to open it up to others. If anyone would like a copy of this book for themselves, we are happy to order you a copy. Being a colour printed book, it's not cheap to print. The books will cost $80 each and would likely be $20 to ship outside of Calgary. If you're someone that would enjoy being able to read these powerful stories and to have this memory of the journey you've been on with us, would you let me know before October 15th? We can arrange payment and shipping once I know who would like a copy and how many I'll need to order.
In 10 days Shawn and I will be heading to Europe. After Hope's death a group of friends and strangers put an account together to send Shawn and I away on vacation. The 13 months of Hope's life were extremely stressful. Shawn and I spent a large amount of time apart and our time together was often consumed with intense conversations about Hope. We worked hard to maintain our marriage and to keep it healthy, but often dreamed of a second honeymoon to reconnect and move forward in our relationship. We talked about doing this as soon as Hope was stable. Sadly that never happened, but we were beyond shocked when this account was started and our dream became a reality. Shawn and I will spend 2 weeks on a cruise through the Mediterranean while Sadie remains in Calgary with family and friends that promise to love her to pieces! I wanted to publicly thank each and every person that has made this trip possible for us. I'm dreading the time away from Sadie, but am deeply excited about the one on one time I'll have with Shawn. Please pray that this is a wonderful time of reconnection for us and that my pregnancy doesn't leave me on the boat while Shawn explores Europe!
My pregnancies are usually horrible. Some of you that followed Hope's journey before she was born will remember how deeply I hate being pregnant. I am extremely uncomfortable during my pregnancies. First is the nausea, it begins immediately and usually lasts until I deliver. In my delivery with Sadie was I still throwing up just hours before she was born! I am on medication to make this easier, but the medication makes me very tired. Secondly my hormone levels are always too high and specifically my Relaxin levels. As a result I have had SPD with each of them as well.
SPD is: Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction (SPD) is most commonly associated with pregnancy and childbirth. It is a condition that causes excessive movement of the pubic symphysis, either anterior or lateral, as well as associated pain, possibly because of a misalignment of the pelvis. SPD is a dysfunction that is associated with pelvic girdle pain and the names are often used interchangeably. It is thought to affect up to one in four pregnant women to varying degrees, with 7% of sufferers continuing to experience serious symptoms postpartum
It has already begun in this pregnancy and my hips are in constant pain and walking becomes more difficult as each week and month passes. I receive treatments throughout my pregnancy and it helps a great deal, but is still extremely inconvenient! My feet begin to flatten as I move forward as well and I get to a point of begging Shawn to rub my feet constantly! Poor guy. Enough whining...the point being that it's not a fun 9 months and I could use your prayers. While pregnant with Hope I swore I would NEVER get pregnant again. After she was diagnosed Shawn felt strongly that we should have a third child. He didn't want Sadie to lose her sister and be alone. I eventually agreed and we had decided to have one more, regardless of what had happened with Hope. I feel even more confident this time around to say, "I'm not doing this again!!" This baby is worth the trouble and the pain, as were Sadie and Hope. I just long to reach March and to have this little one in my arms.
I am currently 13 weeks pregnant. Sometime in the next 5-7 weeks I'll be receiving another ultrasound. Although I've already had two, this will be the first time we'll get a good look at the baby's heart. We are praying for 4 chambers and a healthy heart. I think I'll feel more relaxed once we know everything is okay and we find out if this is going to be another little lady or a little man. Although my heart longs for another girl, I wonder if a boy would be easier on me emotionally. It would be an entirely new experience and that may be better for us. I trust God to decide and that either way we'll be able to carry through.
Thank you for continuing to pray for our family, for the new baby that is growing and for our hearts as they slowly mend from losing Hope. Never forgotten, forever missed.
In the real world, a beautiful and bright rainbow follows a storm and gives hope of things getting better. The rainbow is more appreciated having just experienced the storm in comparison.
The storm (loss) has already happened and nothing can change that experience. Storm-clouds might still be overhead as the family continue to cope with the loss, but something colourful and bright has emerged from the darkness and misery.
In July we discovered that our rainbow baby is growing in my belly. The baby is due on March 25th and big sister Sadie is BEYOND excited to have a new baby around. She has requested that if this baby is born with a tube, we cut it off. I think she's trying to communicate her desire for this to be a healthy child and I couldn't agree more.
At the start of my pregnancy I was thinking about the comments I would receive from others and knew that, "as long as it's healthy!" would be among them often. I thought through this and came to a realization that although we would all love a healthy baby, I care more that my child will grow up and love Jesus. If I have a healthy baby that rejects God and chooses to live their own life, I miss out on eternity with them. If I have a sick baby that loves Jesus, I get to enjoy that child forever. Through our journey with Hope I have come to value a heart that loves Jesus far above a child that is healthy. It's a simple thought, just not one that ever crossed my mind while carrying Sadie in my pregnancy. I pray that this baby would be healthy, but that above all, it would grow up to choose Christ.
Sadie continues to talk about Hope and shares her desire to be with her again. I find it difficult to watch her long for her sister and yet, I'm comforted that she remembers her. She sat for over an hour watching movies of Hope on my phone and telling me all about them. I do the same thing some days. I am so thankful for all the pictures and videos we have of her.
Sadie has started pre-school and is loving it. She is enjoying the fall and the routine that comes along with it. I love seeing her learn new things and develop in her life. She continues to make us laugh and give us reasons to smile. After Sunday School this week as we put her in the car she said, "God has a plan for me!" Shawn responded humorously with, "Really? Since when?" That stumped Sadie, but she didn't care. She knew that God has plan for her life and that's all she cared about!
Some of you may remember after Hope's death that our friends put together a book called 'Hope's Reach'. The book is full of letters from people describing how Hope impacted their lives. It's a massive colour book full of stories and photos of our little girl. It took me 3 weeks to read through the entire book. It's LONG, but also extremely rich and not easy to take in large amounts at once. I was so moved by it and am thankful to have it. We spent time editing mistakes out of the first copy and getting it all ready for printing. The book will now be printed and we've decided to open it up to others. If anyone would like a copy of this book for themselves, we are happy to order you a copy. Being a colour printed book, it's not cheap to print. The books will cost $80 each and would likely be $20 to ship outside of Calgary. If you're someone that would enjoy being able to read these powerful stories and to have this memory of the journey you've been on with us, would you let me know before October 15th? We can arrange payment and shipping once I know who would like a copy and how many I'll need to order.
In 10 days Shawn and I will be heading to Europe. After Hope's death a group of friends and strangers put an account together to send Shawn and I away on vacation. The 13 months of Hope's life were extremely stressful. Shawn and I spent a large amount of time apart and our time together was often consumed with intense conversations about Hope. We worked hard to maintain our marriage and to keep it healthy, but often dreamed of a second honeymoon to reconnect and move forward in our relationship. We talked about doing this as soon as Hope was stable. Sadly that never happened, but we were beyond shocked when this account was started and our dream became a reality. Shawn and I will spend 2 weeks on a cruise through the Mediterranean while Sadie remains in Calgary with family and friends that promise to love her to pieces! I wanted to publicly thank each and every person that has made this trip possible for us. I'm dreading the time away from Sadie, but am deeply excited about the one on one time I'll have with Shawn. Please pray that this is a wonderful time of reconnection for us and that my pregnancy doesn't leave me on the boat while Shawn explores Europe!
My pregnancies are usually horrible. Some of you that followed Hope's journey before she was born will remember how deeply I hate being pregnant. I am extremely uncomfortable during my pregnancies. First is the nausea, it begins immediately and usually lasts until I deliver. In my delivery with Sadie was I still throwing up just hours before she was born! I am on medication to make this easier, but the medication makes me very tired. Secondly my hormone levels are always too high and specifically my Relaxin levels. As a result I have had SPD with each of them as well.
SPD is: Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction (SPD) is most commonly associated with pregnancy and childbirth. It is a condition that causes excessive movement of the pubic symphysis, either anterior or lateral, as well as associated pain, possibly because of a misalignment of the pelvis. SPD is a dysfunction that is associated with pelvic girdle pain and the names are often used interchangeably. It is thought to affect up to one in four pregnant women to varying degrees, with 7% of sufferers continuing to experience serious symptoms postpartum
It has already begun in this pregnancy and my hips are in constant pain and walking becomes more difficult as each week and month passes. I receive treatments throughout my pregnancy and it helps a great deal, but is still extremely inconvenient! My feet begin to flatten as I move forward as well and I get to a point of begging Shawn to rub my feet constantly! Poor guy. Enough whining...the point being that it's not a fun 9 months and I could use your prayers. While pregnant with Hope I swore I would NEVER get pregnant again. After she was diagnosed Shawn felt strongly that we should have a third child. He didn't want Sadie to lose her sister and be alone. I eventually agreed and we had decided to have one more, regardless of what had happened with Hope. I feel even more confident this time around to say, "I'm not doing this again!!" This baby is worth the trouble and the pain, as were Sadie and Hope. I just long to reach March and to have this little one in my arms.
I am currently 13 weeks pregnant. Sometime in the next 5-7 weeks I'll be receiving another ultrasound. Although I've already had two, this will be the first time we'll get a good look at the baby's heart. We are praying for 4 chambers and a healthy heart. I think I'll feel more relaxed once we know everything is okay and we find out if this is going to be another little lady or a little man. Although my heart longs for another girl, I wonder if a boy would be easier on me emotionally. It would be an entirely new experience and that may be better for us. I trust God to decide and that either way we'll be able to carry through.
Thank you for continuing to pray for our family, for the new baby that is growing and for our hearts as they slowly mend from losing Hope. Never forgotten, forever missed.
Sunday, 8 September 2013
Productive Days
Today was a day that I finish feeling very accomplished. We set an alarm to make it to the early service at church, 9am is not that early. Sadie had to be woken up to make it on time and it's walking distance from our house! After church we went to Heritage Park for an awesome day of family fun. The park is perfect for Sadie right now. She got to ride on a lot of carnival rides, a steam engine train, a horse drawn carriage and a steam boat! We went over to the farm and saw all the animals, ate ice cream, visited the candy store and explored all the historic houses. After 5 hours of walking around and enjoying ourselves, we stopped at their annual harvest sale on the way out. It was moments before they were closing and we got some amazing deals! A whole watermelon for $1, a massive box of green peppers for $5, a case of mangoes for $2, cauliflower for $1 and 2 cantaloupe's for $1! Sadly after we purchased our watermelon for $1 they dropped the price to 2 for a $1. We would have complained but the money was going to the Children's Hospital here and we've found that place helpful in the past!
We just got home, made a pizza to throw in the oven for supper and are looking forward to relaxing on the couch after Sadie goes to bed. I even signed Shawn up to be Santa at Sadie's pre-school in December! What a good sport to save me from having to volunteer to be on the board committee. It was a large time commitment that I didn't want to make and Santa was only for an hour. I'm sure he'll be hilarious.
Today, as we waited for our carriage ride, a mom behind me asked how old Sadie was. I asked in return how old her children were. Her youngest was 17 months old, the age Hope would currently be. Whenever this happens I find I stare at the child and try to picture what our Hope would be doing right now and what she'd look like as she got older. Would she grow into her big eyes, or would they always light up her entire face? Would she still be bald? Would she finally be over 13 pounds? It always stops me in my tracks and brings some sadness before I can continue on with the day. Watching Sadie ride the ferris wheel alone because she didn't have a sibling to sit next to her was hard when so many of the kids had someone next to them. It's the little things that continue to hit hard.
We are thankful that we are doing well and are able to go out and enjoy a day as a family. We are thankful that our marriage is still full of love for one another and that our pain is not turning us against each other, only closer to one another. We are thankful that Hope is resting safely in the arms of Jesus and that when Sadie asks the tough question, "why did Hope have to die?" We can answer with the confidence that God knew what he was doing, even though we wanted him to do something different. We continue to live life and through that we grow and we get stronger, even though the pain lives on.
We just got home, made a pizza to throw in the oven for supper and are looking forward to relaxing on the couch after Sadie goes to bed. I even signed Shawn up to be Santa at Sadie's pre-school in December! What a good sport to save me from having to volunteer to be on the board committee. It was a large time commitment that I didn't want to make and Santa was only for an hour. I'm sure he'll be hilarious.
Today, as we waited for our carriage ride, a mom behind me asked how old Sadie was. I asked in return how old her children were. Her youngest was 17 months old, the age Hope would currently be. Whenever this happens I find I stare at the child and try to picture what our Hope would be doing right now and what she'd look like as she got older. Would she grow into her big eyes, or would they always light up her entire face? Would she still be bald? Would she finally be over 13 pounds? It always stops me in my tracks and brings some sadness before I can continue on with the day. Watching Sadie ride the ferris wheel alone because she didn't have a sibling to sit next to her was hard when so many of the kids had someone next to them. It's the little things that continue to hit hard.
We are thankful that we are doing well and are able to go out and enjoy a day as a family. We are thankful that our marriage is still full of love for one another and that our pain is not turning us against each other, only closer to one another. We are thankful that Hope is resting safely in the arms of Jesus and that when Sadie asks the tough question, "why did Hope have to die?" We can answer with the confidence that God knew what he was doing, even though we wanted him to do something different. We continue to live life and through that we grow and we get stronger, even though the pain lives on.
Monday, 2 September 2013
Community
Tonight I finally sat down and finished reading a book that was sent to me by a friend shortly after Hope's death. The book is called 'A Grace Disguised' by Gerald L. Sittser. I highly recommend this book to anyone that is suffering a loss or tragedy of some kind, his thoughts and reflections are very powerful.
A specific section on community in the presence of sorrow jumped out at me tonight and I wanted to share it:
"First of all, it requires a choice on the part of those who want to provide community for suffering friends. They must be willing to be changed by someone else's loss, though they might not have been directly affected by it. Good comfort requires empathy, forces adjustments, and sometimes mandates huge sacrifices. Comforters must be prepared to let the pain of another become their own and so let it transform them. They will never be the same after that decision. Their own world will be permanently altered by the presence of one who suffers. It will bring an end to detachment, control, and convenience. It will prevent them from ever thinking again that the world is a safe place full of nice people, positive experiences, and favourable circumstances."
Reading this section reminded me again of how thankful I am for the people that made that difficult decision to be our community and to be forever changed for the ordinary. Although life is no longer a "pretty" thing, there is beauty to be seen in true community. Thank you for making that sacrifice and for growing along side us.
Tucking Sadie in tonight she asked once again, "Do you think we could ask Jesus to give Hope back?" I said no. "Do you think if we wave a magic wand she might come back?" I had to say no once again. "Mommy do you think that God will give me a new sister next week then?" I answered with a more thoughtful, "well, we can ask him to do that and then see what happens!" She continues to miss her sister and longs for the comfort that I never knew a small child could bring to an older child at such a young age. I look forward to her getting older and building her own community. Right now as a family we are that community for her, but I know she is still lonely in her loss as well.
Thank you for continuing to care.
A specific section on community in the presence of sorrow jumped out at me tonight and I wanted to share it:
"First of all, it requires a choice on the part of those who want to provide community for suffering friends. They must be willing to be changed by someone else's loss, though they might not have been directly affected by it. Good comfort requires empathy, forces adjustments, and sometimes mandates huge sacrifices. Comforters must be prepared to let the pain of another become their own and so let it transform them. They will never be the same after that decision. Their own world will be permanently altered by the presence of one who suffers. It will bring an end to detachment, control, and convenience. It will prevent them from ever thinking again that the world is a safe place full of nice people, positive experiences, and favourable circumstances."
Reading this section reminded me again of how thankful I am for the people that made that difficult decision to be our community and to be forever changed for the ordinary. Although life is no longer a "pretty" thing, there is beauty to be seen in true community. Thank you for making that sacrifice and for growing along side us.
Tucking Sadie in tonight she asked once again, "Do you think we could ask Jesus to give Hope back?" I said no. "Do you think if we wave a magic wand she might come back?" I had to say no once again. "Mommy do you think that God will give me a new sister next week then?" I answered with a more thoughtful, "well, we can ask him to do that and then see what happens!" She continues to miss her sister and longs for the comfort that I never knew a small child could bring to an older child at such a young age. I look forward to her getting older and building her own community. Right now as a family we are that community for her, but I know she is still lonely in her loss as well.
Thank you for continuing to care.
Wednesday, 28 August 2013
A Midnight Snack
Fighting a sinus infection, writing thank you cards and not eating enough for dinner. All culprits of my lack of ability to sleep and my constant thoughts of Hope. Each time I attempt to fall asleep I think about her and begin feeling sad and get up before I start crying and make my sinus headache that much worse. I was feeling much better this afternoon, but being on my back in bed appears to be working against me tonight.
Writing cards is something I've always enjoyed. I deeply enjoy finding a handwritten note in the mail and I like to give that gift to others. I will say that having Hope, and needing a lot of help, brought my thank you card writing to extreme levels. Tonight as I sat trying to catch up on my list of cards to write, I found it difficult as I'd been missing Hope all day and was now thinking about her even more and the people that loved her and our family. Having her picture on each card only made it more difficult in some ways.
Today I sat and organized our calendar for the fall. I wrote down all the days Sadie would be at Preschool, the mornings we'd attend my women's group and all the other things we already had scheduled. In some ways it was exciting to see what was in store for Sadie this fall. In another way it was deeply painful to know that the freedom to plan ahead has come with a deep cost, losing Hope. My calendar from last year is almost comical. I planned nothing, I couldn't plan and I simply didn't often plan to do things in advance. Sadie didn't attend any structured or scheduled weekly activities and I rarely did either. It's a change, a positive one for Sadie, yet a difficult one for me.
Feeling so terribly ill yesterday was a good reminder of what Hope left behind. My head was pounding, my sinuses jammed with junk and my body ached. Although Hope couldn't communicate well, she showed that she felt like junk on many days too. I was thinking about her tonight as I considered shooting saline up my nostrils, a daily task with Hope. She was often stuffy from having her feeding tube and oxygen prongs in her nose at all times. I need to remember the bad times in order to remember how much better Hope's life is now. She finally has free nostrils and no one is trying to take her blood!
Sadie has a current fascination with breast feeding. She 'nurses' her dolls and talks about the fact that Hope used to nurse. I have to explain that although Hope had Mommy Milk, she took it in a unique way. I'm fairly sure this is not computing as we have the conversation often. She never saw Hope nurse, she never did. I'm not sure where this is all coming from, but it allows Sadie and I to talk about her sister and I always enjoy that. She told me today that sometimes Hope was whiney. She's right, she was pretty grumpy some days. I guess we forget those moments and choose to remember the smiles we caught with the camera.
Although we certainly have difficult moments of grief, we are doing well overall. We still have the random reminders from friends and strangers alike that we are not forgotten. I find rare moments that I'm able to almost forget that I've lost a child and live like a normal person. They're usually brief moments as Hope has shaped a great deal of who I am today. I can't be me without her having been in my life. On the really difficult days I remind myself that this world is not my home, it is temporary. I am reminded that I have an eternity in Heaven to hug Hope. Eternity, something my mind is still too finite to fathom, but I'm looking forward to it just the same.
Writing cards is something I've always enjoyed. I deeply enjoy finding a handwritten note in the mail and I like to give that gift to others. I will say that having Hope, and needing a lot of help, brought my thank you card writing to extreme levels. Tonight as I sat trying to catch up on my list of cards to write, I found it difficult as I'd been missing Hope all day and was now thinking about her even more and the people that loved her and our family. Having her picture on each card only made it more difficult in some ways.
Today I sat and organized our calendar for the fall. I wrote down all the days Sadie would be at Preschool, the mornings we'd attend my women's group and all the other things we already had scheduled. In some ways it was exciting to see what was in store for Sadie this fall. In another way it was deeply painful to know that the freedom to plan ahead has come with a deep cost, losing Hope. My calendar from last year is almost comical. I planned nothing, I couldn't plan and I simply didn't often plan to do things in advance. Sadie didn't attend any structured or scheduled weekly activities and I rarely did either. It's a change, a positive one for Sadie, yet a difficult one for me.
Feeling so terribly ill yesterday was a good reminder of what Hope left behind. My head was pounding, my sinuses jammed with junk and my body ached. Although Hope couldn't communicate well, she showed that she felt like junk on many days too. I was thinking about her tonight as I considered shooting saline up my nostrils, a daily task with Hope. She was often stuffy from having her feeding tube and oxygen prongs in her nose at all times. I need to remember the bad times in order to remember how much better Hope's life is now. She finally has free nostrils and no one is trying to take her blood!
Sadie has a current fascination with breast feeding. She 'nurses' her dolls and talks about the fact that Hope used to nurse. I have to explain that although Hope had Mommy Milk, she took it in a unique way. I'm fairly sure this is not computing as we have the conversation often. She never saw Hope nurse, she never did. I'm not sure where this is all coming from, but it allows Sadie and I to talk about her sister and I always enjoy that. She told me today that sometimes Hope was whiney. She's right, she was pretty grumpy some days. I guess we forget those moments and choose to remember the smiles we caught with the camera.
Although we certainly have difficult moments of grief, we are doing well overall. We still have the random reminders from friends and strangers alike that we are not forgotten. I find rare moments that I'm able to almost forget that I've lost a child and live like a normal person. They're usually brief moments as Hope has shaped a great deal of who I am today. I can't be me without her having been in my life. On the really difficult days I remind myself that this world is not my home, it is temporary. I am reminded that I have an eternity in Heaven to hug Hope. Eternity, something my mind is still too finite to fathom, but I'm looking forward to it just the same.
Wednesday, 21 August 2013
3 Months In
August 21st marks 3 months without our sweet Hope. Although we feel like doing nothing, Shawn is still at work and Sadie and I still ventured out to the chiropractor. We have spent the majority of the day on the couch with the tv, computer and ipad for entertainment. When I feel like doing something, I've been cleaning. I used to worry so much about the house being disinfected to keep germs down. Somehow disinfecting the floors, vacuuming up dust and washing surfaces make me feel close to Hope. I still struggle to go into her room and often pause at her door before walking in. I don't often have a reason to go in there, but try to take the journey a few times a week. We leave the door open and Sadie will often play with Hope's books, climb in her crib and pull out all her stuffed animals. I don't want her to feel like it's a museum where she's not allowed to touch.
Each time today I go on facebook and see a post or picture of Hope, I well up with tears. Sadie will look over and ask me if I need a hug to feel happy again. She's used to seeing me cry and doesn't appear too fazed by it. She asked me today where people go pee after they die. She's more worried about the details of Hope's new life.
I find my biggest battle on the anniversaries is cooking. I try to plan ahead and get everything ready to make it easy, yet at the end of the day there's nothing in the oven and for the second day in a row, we'll be going out. Cooking is one of those things that just puts me over the edge when I'm not doing well, yet is something I usually enjoy.
It's helped to organize all of Hope's things into a special box. Soon I'll begin going through all her clothes as a good friend is going to make a quilt out of all her sleepers for me. A way to keep them around with a purpose. She has so many that bring back memories of specific days in the hospital and pictures taken of her in them. Having treasures from her life with us has become very important for us.
In the midst of the pain and the sorrow of losing Hope, I find myself encouraged. We have never been alone through this journey and we continue to be supported through our grief. We have been so blessed to have the community around us that we do. Thank you for loving on our family.
Each time today I go on facebook and see a post or picture of Hope, I well up with tears. Sadie will look over and ask me if I need a hug to feel happy again. She's used to seeing me cry and doesn't appear too fazed by it. She asked me today where people go pee after they die. She's more worried about the details of Hope's new life.
I find my biggest battle on the anniversaries is cooking. I try to plan ahead and get everything ready to make it easy, yet at the end of the day there's nothing in the oven and for the second day in a row, we'll be going out. Cooking is one of those things that just puts me over the edge when I'm not doing well, yet is something I usually enjoy.
It's helped to organize all of Hope's things into a special box. Soon I'll begin going through all her clothes as a good friend is going to make a quilt out of all her sleepers for me. A way to keep them around with a purpose. She has so many that bring back memories of specific days in the hospital and pictures taken of her in them. Having treasures from her life with us has become very important for us.
In the midst of the pain and the sorrow of losing Hope, I find myself encouraged. We have never been alone through this journey and we continue to be supported through our grief. We have been so blessed to have the community around us that we do. Thank you for loving on our family.
Saturday, 17 August 2013
Precious Baby Girls
This evening I got the exciting message, "she's here!" Today my sister delivered her 5th child and my 4th niece. She looks beautiful and is a healthy baby girl. I felt great, I was excited for my sister and thankful that she arrived safely. Driving home from a friend's house, minutes from my own house, I had to pull over to let an ambulance pass. I have always been irritated by those cars that move over slowly or can't seem to get out of the way fast enough. I have always thought, "what if the person inside is someone you know? Move over quickly!" I now instantly think of Hope and the lights flashing and sirens blaring as they waited for people to get out of the way, rushing her to the Stollery last May. It was in the ambulance that Hope crashed and began to go downhill so quickly. Every time an ambulance rushes past me, the tears quickly rush down my face. I can't help but think of her and wish that somehow that ambulance had gotten to the hospital faster and that they had been able to find a way to save her.
Tonight, celebrating this new precious life in our family, I mourn the loss of Hope's life. It's an odd feeling to be overjoyed and deeply grieved at the same time. How can I cry and grieve on such an exciting day? I feel guilty for thinking of myself when my new niece has just entered the world. Hope was 13 months old, but she still bore the qualities of a newborn. Babies will always remind me of Hope, not lifting her head securely, never speaking and not truly eating real food. She was always a newborn in my eyes.
I realized this week that although being away a great deal this summer was a welcomed distraction, it was also exhausting. I'm finally home for the rest of the summer and I feel completely wiped. Tonight, 6 days after returning to Calgary, I am finally doing our laundry and slowly putting things away. That may be normal for a lot of people, but I'm usually way too anal for that. I simply can't seem to get back into the groove and I'm hoping this next week will allow me to get back on track. I'm tired of feeling like I'm behind on a million things. I still have a huge stack of thank you cards waiting to be written. People that have loved on us in some way and never heard back from me!
This Wednesday will mark the 3 month anniversary since Hope's death. I drove past a florist this week and saw a sign that said, 'August 21st- Rose Day'. I have no idea what Rose Day is, yet I found it oddly comforting that this 21st came with something beautiful, roses. The 21st days are the most difficult. I read a book by another family that had lost a child and they spoke about the monthly anniversaries and how difficult they were for the first year especially. I dread knowing that I have another 9 to go and will also have to endure; Christmas, Easter, her 2nd Birthday and even silly holidays like Halloween.
I continue to believe that God's ways are greater than my own. I know that his plans are best and I trust in that. It does not soften the blow or lessen the pain of being without Hope though. Her room is still empty, there will always be constant reminders and I still refuse to wash the shirt I was wearing the night she died. Sadie still brings her up almost daily and will often play with an invisible friend she calls Hope. Every doll is now Hope and each stuffed animal is given her name as well. She is not forgotten in our home.
Tonight I praise God for new life, the healthy life of a precious baby girl. I also ask the Lord to give my baby girl the hug I'm not able to give her myself.
Tonight, celebrating this new precious life in our family, I mourn the loss of Hope's life. It's an odd feeling to be overjoyed and deeply grieved at the same time. How can I cry and grieve on such an exciting day? I feel guilty for thinking of myself when my new niece has just entered the world. Hope was 13 months old, but she still bore the qualities of a newborn. Babies will always remind me of Hope, not lifting her head securely, never speaking and not truly eating real food. She was always a newborn in my eyes.
I realized this week that although being away a great deal this summer was a welcomed distraction, it was also exhausting. I'm finally home for the rest of the summer and I feel completely wiped. Tonight, 6 days after returning to Calgary, I am finally doing our laundry and slowly putting things away. That may be normal for a lot of people, but I'm usually way too anal for that. I simply can't seem to get back into the groove and I'm hoping this next week will allow me to get back on track. I'm tired of feeling like I'm behind on a million things. I still have a huge stack of thank you cards waiting to be written. People that have loved on us in some way and never heard back from me!
This Wednesday will mark the 3 month anniversary since Hope's death. I drove past a florist this week and saw a sign that said, 'August 21st- Rose Day'. I have no idea what Rose Day is, yet I found it oddly comforting that this 21st came with something beautiful, roses. The 21st days are the most difficult. I read a book by another family that had lost a child and they spoke about the monthly anniversaries and how difficult they were for the first year especially. I dread knowing that I have another 9 to go and will also have to endure; Christmas, Easter, her 2nd Birthday and even silly holidays like Halloween.
I continue to believe that God's ways are greater than my own. I know that his plans are best and I trust in that. It does not soften the blow or lessen the pain of being without Hope though. Her room is still empty, there will always be constant reminders and I still refuse to wash the shirt I was wearing the night she died. Sadie still brings her up almost daily and will often play with an invisible friend she calls Hope. Every doll is now Hope and each stuffed animal is given her name as well. She is not forgotten in our home.
Tonight I praise God for new life, the healthy life of a precious baby girl. I also ask the Lord to give my baby girl the hug I'm not able to give her myself.
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