August 21st marks 3 months without our sweet Hope. Although we feel like doing nothing, Shawn is still at work and Sadie and I still ventured out to the chiropractor. We have spent the majority of the day on the couch with the tv, computer and ipad for entertainment. When I feel like doing something, I've been cleaning. I used to worry so much about the house being disinfected to keep germs down. Somehow disinfecting the floors, vacuuming up dust and washing surfaces make me feel close to Hope. I still struggle to go into her room and often pause at her door before walking in. I don't often have a reason to go in there, but try to take the journey a few times a week. We leave the door open and Sadie will often play with Hope's books, climb in her crib and pull out all her stuffed animals. I don't want her to feel like it's a museum where she's not allowed to touch.
Each time today I go on facebook and see a post or picture of Hope, I well up with tears. Sadie will look over and ask me if I need a hug to feel happy again. She's used to seeing me cry and doesn't appear too fazed by it. She asked me today where people go pee after they die. She's more worried about the details of Hope's new life.
I find my biggest battle on the anniversaries is cooking. I try to plan ahead and get everything ready to make it easy, yet at the end of the day there's nothing in the oven and for the second day in a row, we'll be going out. Cooking is one of those things that just puts me over the edge when I'm not doing well, yet is something I usually enjoy.
It's helped to organize all of Hope's things into a special box. Soon I'll begin going through all her clothes as a good friend is going to make a quilt out of all her sleepers for me. A way to keep them around with a purpose. She has so many that bring back memories of specific days in the hospital and pictures taken of her in them. Having treasures from her life with us has become very important for us.
In the midst of the pain and the sorrow of losing Hope, I find myself encouraged. We have never been alone through this journey and we continue to be supported through our grief. We have been so blessed to have the community around us that we do. Thank you for loving on our family.