Wednesday, 21 August 2013

3 Months In

August 21st marks 3 months without our sweet Hope.  Although we feel like doing nothing, Shawn is still at work and Sadie and I still ventured out to the chiropractor.  We have spent the majority of the day on the couch with the tv, computer and ipad for entertainment.  When I feel like doing something, I've been cleaning.  I used to worry so much about the house being disinfected to keep germs down.  Somehow disinfecting the floors, vacuuming up dust and washing surfaces make me feel close to Hope.  I still struggle to go into her room and often pause at her door before walking in.  I don't often have a reason to go in there, but try to take the journey a few times a week.  We leave the door open and Sadie will often play with Hope's books, climb in her crib and pull out all her stuffed animals.  I don't want her to feel like it's a museum where she's not allowed to touch.

Each time today I go on facebook and see a post or picture of Hope, I well up with tears.  Sadie will look over and ask me if I need a hug to feel happy again.  She's used to seeing me cry and doesn't appear too fazed by it.  She asked me today where people go pee after they die.  She's more worried about the details of Hope's new life.

I find my biggest battle on the anniversaries is cooking.  I try to plan ahead and get everything ready to make it easy, yet at the end of the day there's nothing in the oven and for the second day in a row, we'll be going out.  Cooking is one of those things that just puts me over the edge when I'm not doing well, yet is something I usually enjoy.

It's helped to organize all of Hope's things into a special box.  Soon I'll begin going through all her clothes as a good friend is going to make a quilt out of all her sleepers for me.  A way to keep them around with a purpose.  She has so many that bring back memories of specific days in the hospital and pictures taken of her in them.  Having treasures from her life with us has become very important for us.

In the midst of the pain and the sorrow of losing Hope, I find myself encouraged.  We have never been alone through this journey and we continue to be supported through our grief.  We have been so blessed to have the community around us that we do.  Thank you for loving on our family.


  1. I don't think anyone could NOT love on your family. I miss all of you. -Nursey :)

  2. I still think about you guys and pray for you everyday! I'm not sure a day will ever go by without sweet little Hope on my heart and mind. - Alissa Jongsma

  3. We lost our baby 4 months ago today (april 21), sadly we recognize this day for the same reasons. Unfortunately i know exactly what your going through, our baby was almost 1 month old when he became very ill and passed very suddenly. Sadly we still don't have the Autopsy report back so we struggle every day trying to understand why. We also spent some time at the AB childrens hospital. Your strength inspires me as i still find it very difficult to go into his room. I love the idea of using her sleepers as a blanket, finding use for the memories and snuggling with her on a cold day rather than keeping them in the closet. Your blog has been very encouraging as it's nice to read someone is going through the exact same thing.

  4. I very clearly remember the 3 month mark after losing Eva. It was incredible that THREE MONTHS had passed without her in my arms. Now it has been two years. And it's just as incredible. I saved every.single.thing that Eva ever wore. I have had random plans to make a quilt out of them one day. But that day hasn't happened yet. I don't know when it will and I have learned to be patient myself in regards to making decisions about Eva. Each decision I get to make for her is the only time I will get to do such things. I do not have an unlimited of decisions and things to do for her in the future so I cherish and hold close those that I do get to do. It also makes me put things off so I can have that decision to make in the future. Make sense?

    Sending love your way

  5. oh, and regarding the cleaning I can relate, sort of. Eva wasn't immune suppressed but the other day I used some Microsan hand sanitizer and, with a whiff, I was instantly back in PICU. I often wish I was still there.

  6. We have to remember that our children are not in pain any longer & are in heaven & are getting all the love they can!! They would want to see us smiling & happy!! They would not want to see us hurting! They have been given a gift of eternal life & someday we will be with our father in heaven! I learned all this when my son died & I had a hard time smiling & would feel guilty when I had a bit of joy & someone told me that Randy wouldn't want to see me like this hurting all the time!! It probably hurt him to see his Mom like this!! So whenever I smile or laugh or enjoy life I see him smiling down at me!! I hope this helps someone!!

  7. Thank's for your information and i like yoe post ^___^