Saturday, 17 August 2013

Precious Baby Girls

This evening I got the exciting message, "she's here!"  Today my sister delivered her 5th child and my 4th niece.  She looks beautiful and is a healthy baby girl.  I felt great, I was excited for my sister and thankful that she arrived safely.  Driving home from a friend's house, minutes from my own house, I had to pull over to let an ambulance pass.  I have always been irritated by those cars that move over slowly or can't seem to get out of the way fast enough.  I have always thought, "what if the person inside is someone you know?  Move over quickly!"  I now instantly think of Hope and the lights flashing and sirens blaring as they waited for people to get out of the way, rushing her to the Stollery last May.  It was in the ambulance that Hope crashed and began to go downhill so quickly.  Every time an ambulance rushes past me, the tears quickly rush down my face.  I can't help but think of her and wish that somehow that ambulance had gotten to the hospital faster and that they had been able to find a way to save her.

Tonight, celebrating this new precious life in our family, I mourn the loss of Hope's life.  It's an odd feeling to be overjoyed and deeply grieved at the same time.  How can I cry and grieve on such an exciting day?  I feel guilty for thinking of myself when my new niece has just entered the world.  Hope was 13 months old, but she still bore the qualities of a newborn.  Babies will always remind me of Hope, not lifting her head securely, never speaking and not truly eating real food.  She was always a newborn in my eyes.  

I realized this week that although being away a great deal this summer was a welcomed distraction, it was also exhausting.  I'm finally home for the rest of the summer and I feel completely wiped.  Tonight, 6 days after returning to Calgary, I am finally doing our laundry and slowly putting things away.  That may be normal for a lot of people, but I'm usually way too anal for that.  I simply can't seem to get back into the groove and I'm hoping this next week will allow me to get back on track.  I'm tired of feeling like I'm behind on a million things.  I still have a huge stack of thank you cards waiting to be written.  People that have loved on us in some way and never heard back from me!

This Wednesday will mark the 3 month anniversary since Hope's death.  I drove past a florist this week and saw a sign that said, 'August 21st- Rose Day'.  I have no idea what Rose Day is, yet I found it oddly comforting that this 21st came with something beautiful, roses.  The 21st days are the most difficult.  I read a book by another family that had lost a child and they spoke about the monthly anniversaries and how difficult they were for the first year especially.  I dread knowing that I have another 9 to go and will also have to endure; Christmas, Easter, her 2nd Birthday and even silly holidays like Halloween.

I continue to believe that God's ways are greater than my own.  I know that his plans are best and I trust in that.  It does not soften the blow or lessen the pain of being without Hope though.  Her room is still empty, there will always be constant reminders and I still refuse to wash the shirt I was wearing the night she died.  Sadie still brings her up almost daily and will often play with an invisible friend she calls Hope.  Every doll is now Hope and each stuffed animal is given her name as well.  She is not forgotten in our home.

Tonight I praise God for new life, the healthy life of a precious baby girl.  I also ask the Lord to give my baby girl the hug I'm not able to give her myself.


  1. Praying for you and your family tonight, and always, Amy. Your words never fail to bring me to tears and always give me a push back to reality and what is truly important in my life. Your Hope has changed me forever.

  2. I'm sure that God will do that for you. And I pray that His loving arms will surround you as well. (A group hug, so to speak) -

  3. Slowly but surely your grief will fade. Nobody can force it on you, however. Each time I read your recent blogs I think not only of you and yours, I also think of all others in my circle who have lost loved ones. Each is at a different stage of recovery, at least on the surface. I am sure, however, that there is a well of sadness that will never disappear. I do believe that this well will change from a roiling mass to a calmer pool. And your belief in a much higher power will help this happen. Thoughts and prayers from Ontario.

  4. I don't want to intrude on your grief. You have every right to be grieving....but I did want to share this FB page for another child with HLH who has been taken....

    May the God of all comfort continue to bring healing to your broken heart.

  5. When Eva first died I counted the time without her in hours, then days, then weeks, then months and now as I have just passed the two year mark of her death the 15th is still a hard day every month. She was born on Oct 15th and died exactly 10 months later on August 15th.

    I will always remember your little Miss Hope. Her name means so much to me. She died on my son's fourth birthday. And I followed her story with trepidation, while grieving Eva but hoping for another outcome for you.

    Also want to add here that I have found the return home from holidays exhausting as well. And the return to home without Eva hard too. That is something that has gotten easier to bear in the last little while. The memory of her playing on our floor is not as fresh as it was two years ago.

    Sending you love, and strength and praying for you.

  6. Amy,
    I attend Foothills Alliance and have been following your blog and praying for your family for many months. Today I was listening to this new Shane & Shane song.
    I thought of you, not because of John Piper's comments about loss, but because it's so evident from your blog that you know the suffering your family has gone through is not meaningless. Thank you for sharing your journey with us, many we all be so encouraged to seek the meaning in hardship.
    Brittany Vine

  7. Hi Amy,

    Your grief is still so new. Try to go easy on yourself as you figure out the new normal, the new you after an experience like yours.

    I find rituals have really helped me through difficult days or anniversaries of the our loss. I write my son's name in the sand, I write him letters, I light candles, I take my dog to the dog park because it helps to make her happy, I collect hearts. None of these things will bring my son back, but they bring small moments of peace or comfort.

    I hope you find what comforts you on this journey.

    Much love from Chile,

  8. Today is the one year anniversary of losing our little one. I am glad to say with God's strength, it is not less sad, just more bearable. Our little daughter named her new little doll that she received for her birthday "Baby Hope", too. Your little Hope has had an impact on our family. Thank you for sharing your journey

  9. Hi sweet Amy,
    Nice to hear from you again.
    So sad for you...of course you would struggle with your feelings
    as you watch a new life come in to your understandable.
    I can only imagine how much you miss your sweet baby girl. Hope was so special and what you shared with her as her mom and what you treasure about her in your heart is so intimate. Nothing and
    no one can ever take that away from you.
    I am so sorry for your loss of your sweet Hope. Jesus...bring joy to Amy's heart today in a special way that will ease her
    grief and renew her strength.

    xo from a mom and grandma who cares about you and hasn't forgotten