Last night was one of the worst sleeps I've had in a long time. It was one of those nights where you long for morning to come so you can stop trying to sleep. Finally my alarm went off and I got up to get ready. Shawn and I had very little time to get Sadie ready and get in the car. I'm not sure why I didn't just get up and start earlier, I guess I had hoped I would be sleeping.
We sat in almost the same place we sat as we waited for the ultrasound with Hope. It's across from the kids play area and both times we had Sadie in tow. As we went into the room I was nervous. I was hoping the technician would begin with the heart, but she waited until later in the ultrasound to even take a look. As soon as the probe was over the baby's heart, I could clearly see each of the four chambers. I'm not sure I would have previously recognized this detail. It struck me as I finally saw a healthy heart and realized how broken Hope's heart truly was.
I went into the ultrasound fairly confident that this baby was a boy. I think in knowing that a baby girl would be more difficult for me emotionally, I believed that God would have mercy and give me a boy. You would think that I would have learned through our journey with Hope that life is difficult and we don't always get an easy ride. When we found out that this baby was indeed a baby girl, I was surprised and emotionally numb for a moment. It slowly set in and I knew that I was okay with it, but also needed to be very careful. I don't want this baby girl to have to live in Hope's shadow and to fulfil the dreams that I missed out on with Hope. This is a new creation, and we want her to know that we want her to be an individual. We are thrilled that Sadie gets to have the sister she's been asking for and I'm good at raising girls, it's all I know!
The doctor came in shortly after looking everything over. She agreed that this little girls heart looks to be healthy. She would still like us to have an echo done. An appointment was booked for 2 weeks from now. An echo will allow them to see clearer detail of the heart and with our history, this could be important. I'll likely relax a lot more after this echo is finished and we know this girl has a healthy heart all over.
This pregnancy has not been easy. Emotionally I've done fairly well, I have my moments of rubbing my belly and remembering those safe moments we had of Hope in my belly. Most of the time I look forward to the experiences I missed out on with Hope. I want to hold my baby right after she's born, to nurse her, to bring her home and to not have to insert feeding tubes or give injections. My hips and my pelvis have been a whole new level of horrible. When I look back at my pregnancy with Hope I can now see how much better my body handled it. I have such severe pressure in my pelvis that I can barely walk at times and often struggle to fall asleep because of the pain. I continue in treatments and am doing what I can, but I know these next 20 weeks are going to be long and difficult. I would rather suffer pain in pregnancy, than have my baby suffer pain in life.
Thank you for praying for us, for the health of this baby and for this transition in our lives. We praise God for a healthy baby girl and the opportunity to raise another child. Please pray for us as we prepare to bring home another girl. I cannot forget preparing for Hope's birth and many of the clothes and blankets I put into the drawers will be the same. Please continue to pray for each of us as we get ready to enter a new transition. Most of all, praise the Lord with us for this precious blessing.