It's odd to find ourselves in a similar position in November, just 2 years later. In November 2011 we got up early in the morning to take Sadie and have our 19 week ultrasound. Now, here we are in November 2013, about to do the same thing. Tomorrow morning at 7:45am we will pack up our little family and head to the exact same ultrasound clinic to FINALLY find out what's growing inside my tummy. I never imagined myself hoping so deeply for 4 healthy chambers in the heart and caring so little about whether the baby is a girl or a boy. Tomorrow will also mark 20 weeks into this pregnancy, half way to meeting this new miracle.
As I've been reflecting about this ultrasound and trying not to be concerned, I've come to the conclusion that nothing inside my heart will change either way. Although Hope's life was extremely difficult and we did not receive the desired outcome, God proved faithful. When I look back at her life I am able to clearly see how God used her life and her struggle to draw not only us, but thousands of others to their knees. It's through that realization that I'm able to continue breathing and know that whether this baby has a healthy heart or not, we will love it deeply and continue to trust in a God that deeply loves his children.
Tomorrow will also kick off a new time of processing for me. Once we know the sex of the baby, I've committed to going through Hope's room to begin transitioning it into a room for the new baby. I'll be removing her clothes and filling the drawers with newborn clothes in pink or blue. It's something I've avoided doing but am finally feeling ready to conquer. I spent some time in there this weekend and although my time in her room is often full of tears, I do not leave her room defeated.
This past week Sadie told me that Jesus died but he is alive again. When I told her she was right, she continued with, "that's what happened to Hope too!" I was confused at first as I worried she was suggesting that Hope was going to move back into our home. When I questioned her, she explained that Hope and Jesus were alive together in heaven. I was so blown away by her ability to understand "new life" in Christ.
Please pray for our family tonight as we try to get some rest and tomorrow morning as we face a familiar setting that is not full of happy memories. Please pray that we would be ready for whatever is ahead and that they'd be able to get clear pictures of the baby. Thank you for continuing to care and for walking with us through this journey of grief, and the gift of new life.