Sleepless Beauty

Last night I laid down on the little parent bed in Hope’s room.  I had Hope in my arms and her wires stretched to their limit.  She slept, safe in my arms as I stared at her.  When she woke up for a minute and looked at me, I was suddenly overwhelmed.  I started talking to her with tears in my eyes.  I told her to fight, to never stop fighting and to spend my life with me.  I told her that she has a testimony that will draw hearts to Jesus and that I want her to share her own story.  

I started to think about the second surgery.  I thought about sitting and waiting while she’s in the OR.  I felt physical pain as I imagined that day, it was almost too much.  I can’t think about it.  I need to take each day as it comes and not think about what I will need to endure in the future.  I’m strong enough for today, not tomorrow.

When I look back at the 6 months we’ve had with Hope and the 5 months we begged God for her healing in the womb, I’m in shock.  I’m in shock that I still get out of bed each day.  That I can laugh with Sadie, and not feel guilty every time I leave her.  That my husband and I still love each other and desire to serve one another.  We still have our moments, more frequently when things are tense.  But in the end, we are still crazy in love.  We’ve grown in the last 6 months and I only see it when I look back.  Who we were on our first stay in Edmonton, is not who we are now.  We’ve become less selfish with one another.  We’ve learned how to serve each other effectively and lighten the load.  Shawn is my perfect match, no question.

God has softened the hearts of many through Hope’s courageous battle.  It’s beautiful to watch and it touches me every time.  Hope can make the strongest man cry and slowly captures the hearts of those in this world.  Even surgeons that began speaking of her as ‘Hypoplastic post Norwood shunt’, now refer to her by her name.  She is a person, but not an average or ordinary little girl. 

I pray that God uses my situation to teach me how to love others while they’re down.  The community that has carried us through this is amazing.  The sacrifices people have made leave me awe struck.  We are not worthy and yet we receive.  That’s exactly the gift we receive in salvation through Jesus as well.  We’re not worthy of it, and yet he offers.  There are days that I feel lucky, like I won the life lottery.  It sounds completely crazy, but I catch fractions of understanding and can truly thank God for our situation.  Amongst all the hardships, we are blessed.        

We were told this morning that with Hope needing the MRI (it was confirmed), we won't be leaving until it happens.  It could take a few days and we'll likely be here until next week.  It's a good thing I never believed we were going to be discharged.  It saved me from a lot of disappointment and prepared me to be here longer.  Hope is still stuffy, although it is clear and doesn't look like an infection.  I long for her to be stronger so I can take her to meet the people that have prayed for her!