Musical Tears

I'm going to guess that some of you were praying that I would have feeling in my heart again.  Today we had the pleasure of going to the New West Symphony and Chorus.  It's never easy to get out as we have to find two babysitters, one for Hope and another for Sadie.  As we enjoyed the music I couldn't help but cry.  They played and sang numerous Christmas songs and I was incredibly moved by the song, 'Mary did you Know?'  I thought about Hope as they sang, and I thought about my role as her mother.  The song talks about Jesus and if Mary knew that her son would have such an impact and be the saviour of the world.  I'm not saying that Hope is like baby Jesus, she's clearly not God.  What hit me was the fact that I had no idea as I carried Hope, knowing her heart was broken, that she would mend the hearts of so many others.  I often hear from people about how Hope's story has touched their lives and drawn them to their knees.  As her mother, I never imagined the impact that our pain would have on the world.  Beyond that, I never imagined the changes that would happen in my own heart as a result of Hope's life.  Can you ever truly be the same after walking this road?

I can clearly see the evidence that Hope's painful journey has a purpose.  I know that God did not desire for Hope to go through this, although he had the ability to stop it and chose not to.  Many people wonder why God allows bad things to happen to good people.  We're not good people though, we're all sinners.  We all deserve bad things to happen to us and have simply been spared.  As I walk through this journey with my family, I believe I have a basic understanding of why God chose not to stop this.  God desires to have a relationship with his people, longs for us to speak to him and allow him to be a part of our daily lives.  For many of you, Hope's pain has drawn you back to speaking to God, to allowing him to be a part of your lives again.

After hearing about the horror in Connecticut yesterday I was reminded once again that this world is a sick and evil place that desperately needs God.  I don't know how someone could watch what happened and not see a need for God in this world.  God is relational and wants you to invite him to carry you through this evil world.  He doesn't promise that life will become easy and full of only good things.  What he promises, is to never leave you.  That's what I need right now, I need the Lord and I know that he will never leave me.

Life with Hope has been very discouraging the past few days.  Today the cardiologist told us that if Hope doesn't give us a clear picture of why her lungs continue to be wet, we'll have to dig deeper.  On Monday they will make the final decision, but it sounds like we'll be sent back to Edmonton for a heart cath to take a closer look at Hope's heart.  If there was nothing surgical to be done, we would be sent back to Calgary after Hope was stable.  If this happens, Shawn and I are talking about not going as a family.  We're thinking that Hope and I will go up alone until we know how long the stay will be.  That way, if it's just a brief stay, we won't have to uproot Sadie once again.

We know we'll be spending Christmas at the Children's Hospital, but we want to be with family and Hope is our family too.  I have spent other Christmas' out of my usual routine.  In 2001 I spent Christmas in Papua New Guinea without any family.  In 2005 I spent Christmas with a group of young people in Maui, all trying to add touches from our traditions at home.  This year may not include fancy table clothes and fine china, but it will include the people I love and that's what I truly desire.