Shawn and I left Calgary on Monday afternoon with Sadie and flew to Maui. In many ways we were running away from our return to 'normal' life. I'm not saying that is a bad thing, I am absolutely dreading the return to Calgary. No one sits in Maui and wants to go home, but I wouldn't care if Calgary was more beautiful than Maui, going home means facing the loss of Hope after the shock has worn off. I've come to realize that a major breakdown is waiting just around the corner and the exhaustion of the last 13 months is a weight that is waiting to fall on top of me. I feel as though we're living in a dream at the moment, able to enjoy life and smile, but fear the moment that disappears. I know we will feel joy again, but I fear the breakdown.
Sadie has been incredible. Finally being able to spend quality time with her again and seeing her thrive with both parents in her life has been amazing. I am the most biased person in the world, but she is an amazing little girl. I love the way she talks about Hope constantly with no hesitation. She told a complete stranger in the airport on the playground that her sister Hope died. To which the little girl responded, "you hope your sister dies?" Sadie proceeded to drag the girl over to Shawn so he could explain that her sister DID die. She later informed me on the plane that I would have a new baby in my belly soon. It was the first thing she asked me this morning, "do you have a new baby yet?" Apparently she was unaware that with the time change, we went to bed at 3am Calgary time, no time for new babies!
Shawn and I are in the process of praying through what we want to do. Many people have asked us and I can say that we both would like to have another child. Not to replace Hope, but to give Sadie a sibling and to hopefully experience the joy of bringing home a healthy baby once again. I was thinking today about whether or not I would have had Hope if I knew she would have been taken away at 13 months of age. I decided I would have, every day was a gift, even if there were only 412 of them. We need to pray about when we'll be ready to think about doing this, our wounds are so fresh.
I'm reading a book about another Mother's journey with grief. In it, she talks about how when they went to the beach for a vacation with friends, she found that she would feel better while she was there. She describes how returning home from these vacations from her pain was always more difficult than she expected. I dread it.
We already know that coming here was the right thing to do. I am praying that for this week, time moves incredibly slowly and each day lingers on. I miss Hope desperately and picture her everywhere we go. I can't stop scrolling through her pictures on my phone. Oh what I would give to see a glimpse of her smiling in Heaven. Everything I see that has a heart catches my eye. Every heart makes me think of her. I'm so thankful we have Sadie through this time. I could not even imagine going through this without laughter in our home. Please continue to pray for us, especially when we return to Calgary to face reality.