Tuesday, 25 June 2013

Love Continued

I continue to be amazed at the thoughtfulness of others.  I was fairly certain that 5 weeks after losing Hope, most of the world would have forgotten.  I was very wrong.  Just yesterday an edible arrangement arrived from a friend, just to remind me that she was still praying and had not forgotten.  I am always touched at the reminder that Hope continues to impact lives on this earth, even after she left it.

I still have odd feelings at times.  I feel an urge to drive to the hospital to go see Hope or run up to her room to check on her in the crib.  I will look up at a picture of her in our home and suddenly realize all over again that she's gone.  It's almost like my brain forces me to forget that she's already in Heaven.  Other days Shawn and I both feel like we've forgotten Hope's death completely.  Either God has given us an immense peace, or we are still numb.  We often discuss the fact that we feel like we're doing 'too' well and should be crying more.  Don't get me wrong, I have my bad moments.  Recently I called my mom at 2:30am, her time, to cry into the phone for 2 hours when I couldn't sleep and Shawn needed to get to work in the morning.  Overall, we find we have moved back into a normal routine and can make it through most days without a severe breakdown.  It's more common at the moment for me to well up with tears when I think of Hope, cherish her memory for a moment and move on with whatever I'm doing.

I'm planning to make a trip back to the hospital sometime soon.  I haven't set a date for myself, but would like to go back and return some of the supplies we have in the next few weeks.  I think I'll be okay.  It helps that Hope was still alive when she left the Calgary hospital, I relate her death to the Edmonton hospital and would likely struggle more there.  I was thrilled to hear this week that the Stollery Hospital finally received the $55 million dollar grant they had been seeking from the government.  Their ICU is in deep need of expansion.  Had this been done years earlier, Hope would have likely gone into the OR in January and could still be alive today.  I pray this expansion saves the lives of more children when it's completed.

Our family was blessed to not be affected by the floods in Southern Alberta.  Our home is up on a hill and remained dry.  Shawn has been home from work for the last 3 work days because of evacuation orders to his downtown office.  Sadie and I have enjoyed the time with Shawn and were thankful that he was home on the one month anniversary of Hope's death.

Each day without Hope is different.  Sadie is still adjusting to the changes and is clearly thinking of Hope.  On the weekend a friend asked another child where his sister was.  Sadie quickly answered, "my sister is dead".  It's never easy to think about Sadie not having a sister to visit or snuggle with any longer.  She often longs for constant adult interaction and that can be draining, as I deal with my own desire to sit and do nothing at times.

Thank you to everyone that has continued to pray for our family as we grieve.  Thank you for all of the practical help and love that you've given.  We know that without your prayers and encouragement, we would not be doing so well.  I have found it difficult to sit and pray alone since Hope's death.  I continue to feel too emotionally overwhelmed when I try.  I have tried to focus on praying with Sadie, reading her stories and teaching her about the Bible.  It's a way that I can connect with God at a level that I'm ready for.  It's a good habit to be in with Sadie anyway, and it will likely be a new routine in our family.  One month of grief down, a lifetime to go.


  1. We are still and will be praying for your family <3

  2. I continue to pray for you all, Amy. I haven't forgotten Hope, and never will. I never knew her (and have never met anyone in your family), yet I still struggle to not be overwhelmed by sadness when think of her throughout the day.

    Still praying for your peace, everyday.

    Love and strength to you all,


  3. On my way to work this morning I noticed that one of my neighbors had planted white bleeding hearts. I've seen the red and pink ones often but the white struck me as very peaceful and royal. I thought of Hope and will every time I see them.

  4. I still think and pray for you, shawn and sadie daily. You are anything but forgotten.

  5. Hope is forever on our hearts. We will always keep your family in our prayers. Hope maybe gone but will never be forgotten!

  6. My 4 year old girl and I have followed your story over the months and we pray for your family every night. She always prays that Jesus will give baby Hope a hug and take good care of her, which we know He is! Although we have never met, we continue to lift you up every evening as we pray.

  7. I check your Facebook page everyday for updates & pray for your family daily. Hope (or you, Shawn & Sadie) are definitely not forgotten.

  8. I have been following your blog since last Fall and feel like I know you and your family. I ached for you when times were bad and was overjoyed when times were good. I prayed for Hope to be healed and if that wasn't possible I prayed for God to not let her suffer but to take her Home if there was no cure. I often wondered why God allowed her to suffer. I now understand. God used Hope to bring so many new people to Him and to bring so many people back to their faith, their roots once again. He used you, Shawn and Sadie as examples of what true faith means! You exemplify Christianity to God's honour and glory! I read, but didn't want to believe, your writing about the day of Hope's passing. It was such a shock! What you went through.....only God could have gotten you through that day! I watched the beautiful service for Hope, thank you for allowing us to be part of it.

    Amy, I just want you to know what you are feeling now is normal and never feel guilty about any of your feelings. Everyone grieves differently and there is no right or wrong way. I lost my mother 2 years ago and am still feeling the emotions you speak of. Sometimes I think that I'm doing too good and then I break down for no apparent reason. I too had difficulty praying without feeling unbelievable loneliness and sobbing as I fought to finish my prayer. My mother was everything to me, we were very close (like I believe you are with your mom) and yes, at 62, I still need my mom! I constantly want to call her but remember that I can't. I compensate by talking to her daily, knowing that she can't answer or respond....but I know she is listening. Mom's faith and my faith carried us through her illness and passing and without faith I don't think I could have made it. When I feel "normal" I know my mom is with me, holding me up and helping me through each day.

    Amy, loosing a mom is so very hard but loosing your child, your precious baby is unthinkable and so, so, heart breaking. They are both very devastating losses but they can't be compared. I had 60 wonderful years with my mom, but you had only a very short time with your precious Hope and sadly she was sick for much of that time. Loosing a parent is a inevitable...loosing a child is just not supposed to happen.

    Please know that I am continuing to pray for you and your family and I will never forget Hope and look forward to being updated on your family, to know how you all are doing and what God's future plan is for you (if you feel up to continuing your blog). You are part of my and many other's family in Christ. I pray God's comfort for you and your family. Laugh, cry, forget, remember, love and enjoy life.....that's what Hope would want for you.......that's what we all want for you! Take care and God Bless!

  9. Thinking of you all. Can't imagine ever forgetting.

  10. I still think of little Hope and your family often. Your story affected me in so many ways. I became a first time Mommy 10 months ago and felt so deeply for you. Your strength is truly amazing and I have found myself praying and looking to God to guide me for almost the first time since reading your blog. I look daily for updates to see how you are all doing. I dont think I will ever forget.

  11. Amy, I was so happy to hear about the grant for the ICU expansion at the Stollery. The Stollery was our hospital when Eva got sick and was in ICU. The Stollery ER is where she died. I remember ICU really well and how tight and crowded it was. I'm excited to hear about this expansion. Thanks for sharing.

    'one month of grief down, a lifetime to go'. Aptly said dear. But it does get lighter and stranger. I just watched some home videos of Eva and I was shocked, almost. I really, really did have that little girl once. She isn't just a photograph.

  12. I just realized my last comment was kind of random. I think about your Hope everyday, for a myriad of reasons.
    I also want to address what you said about wanting to go to the hospital or run up and check on her.
    For a long time after Eva died I seemed to always slowly and quietly open the room to her door in case she was sleeping. My brain would just not connect that she had actually died. That she was not sleeping there. Slowly, I stopped doing that. I was not surprised by her death over and over again. I guess I'm just saying this so you don't feel crazy. I know I felt like I was going crazy after Eva died. Sometimes I still do, but it's less intense.
    I will always remember your Hope. Trust me on that one.

  13. I continue to pray for you and yours. I understand why you struggle to pray. I had a loss and couldn't pray for 2years. It was your beautiful Hope that brought me back to praying. I started by praying for her and you. Then your families and before I knew it, I was praying and talking to God again. You and Hope have given me a gift I can never repay. Please know I will never forget you and your family. Your grace and faith has made me want to be a better Christian with a better relationship with God.
    Jen Wilson

    1. That is so beautiful, Jen. I am so sorry for your loss. <3

  14. Amy, you and Shawn and Sadie are in my morning prayers every day. Although we've never met, I think of you so often as I go about my day. When I read that you were having difficulty praying right now, I wanted to let you know that it's ok to just bask in God's love. You don't need to say a word. Just close your eyes and feel His love for you. He knows every single pain in your heart. Each sigh, tear, laugh, is a prayer, He understands each one. Love and prayers to you!!! ~Eileen