Today the book I wrote about Hope's life went live on Amazon. We would love you to read it if you're interested!
Saturday, 9 November 2019
Half-Hearted Hope is available on Amazon!!
Today the book I wrote about Hope's life went live on Amazon. We would love you to read it if you're interested!
Monday, 7 July 2014
One Final Word
412. It was within days of Hope's death that Shawn informed me she had lived for 412 days. I smiled to myself as I had calculated it as well. I soon discovered my mom had done the same. For some reason, we all needed to know how many days we'd been able to hold her in our arms. Today is our 412th day without Hope. I have now lived as many days without her, as I was blessed to live with her.
For 412 days I would sit alone in the living room in the middle of the night and write my updates. When sleep wouldn't come and my heart was heavy, I wrote. Now 412 days later, sleep feels far away tonight and it only seemed right to begin writing my final entry.
Right now in the city of Calgary, a family is longing to know that their 5 year old son is safe. I find the entire story and situation very disturbing. It has caused me to lose sleep and over-think a lot of my own life. Tonight as I tried to fall asleep I thought of them again and the absolute torture they currently feel. Sadie came and gently touched my arm after a bad dream. I lifted her into the bed and curled in behind her. I held my little girl and prayed for her safety, for wisdom, as her mom, and for the evil of this world to stay far away from her. I also realized in that moment that for 412 days, I have never worried about Hope's safety. Never wondered if she was in pain, feared that she was unhappy or questioned how to care for her. She is my one child that will always be safe. She is the only one I won't pray protection over late into the night as the years go on. She is safe forever.
Losing a child still feels wrong, unfair and difficult to understand. That is unlikely to ever change. I am able to feel the comfort of knowing she's in heaven and safe in the arms of Jesus. That feels right, more than fair and yet still so difficult to understand.
Many people have questioned my desire to stop writing. To be completely honest, I don't feel right writing about Sadie and Stella as they grow up. It was different with Hope, we were calling an army of people to pray for her and there was a great reward for writing. If I told people what was happening, they could pray. I believe we needed that support and that Hope benefited from the knees that were bent around the world. As for Sadie and Stella, I don't want to make that choice for them. I don't want every birthday, Christmas and special event in their lives to be available to anyone that desires to take a look. I find Facebook to be public enough with those we choose to accept and want to limit their exposure. I do feel badly that many people have come to deeply care for our family and will feel like we've "dropped" them and for that I apologize. We so appreciated you joining us on our journey with Hope and we valued your commitment to pray. Please know how deeply grateful we feel that you cared.
As for our little family of 4…
We will always feel one person short. Every time I use the words, family photo, a part of me cringes. I find it difficult to think about the fact that Sadie will more than likely forget most of her time with Hope. I'm sure she'll remember the stories we repeat and recognize the photos she sees often, but memories she made at 2 years of age will slowly fade. I'm sad to know that Stella has a sister she's never met. I wonder if she'll ever feel left out. I often wonder how it will feel when I replace a photo of Hope in our home with someone or something else. She will always remain, but may not dominate the walls forever. 412 days later, I can see so many of the beautiful things that God created through the ashes. It doesn't make it all less painful, but it certainly makes it easier to accept. I can truly say that I still believe God is good, loves me deeply and longs for the day that we can all be forever safe in his arms. On that day, our family will no longer be one person short, our hearts will no longer be broken and our minds will finally understand.
Each person that came on this journey with us, played a part in helping me see purpose for our pain. Hope's reach was great, her impact profound and I am able to know that from the responses her story has received. Thank you for caring, thank you for loving us and thank you most of all for choosing to love a little girl that we all knew could one day be taken from us and leave us brokenhearted.
412 days without Hope have passed, I'm not sure how many more will, but each day that passes makes me a little bit older and a little bit closer to Heaven. A place always sweet, but made sweeter to me by her presence. I can only hope that each person who followed her story came to understand their own need for Jesus and will be there with me one day. I remember sitting at the Ronald McDonald House one night and writing, that if one person came to Christ through Hope's life and death, it would have purpose. I still feel that way and pray that anyone who hasn't accepted Christ, but desires to, would make that decision today and give purpose to her pain.
For 412 days I would sit alone in the living room in the middle of the night and write my updates. When sleep wouldn't come and my heart was heavy, I wrote. Now 412 days later, sleep feels far away tonight and it only seemed right to begin writing my final entry.
Right now in the city of Calgary, a family is longing to know that their 5 year old son is safe. I find the entire story and situation very disturbing. It has caused me to lose sleep and over-think a lot of my own life. Tonight as I tried to fall asleep I thought of them again and the absolute torture they currently feel. Sadie came and gently touched my arm after a bad dream. I lifted her into the bed and curled in behind her. I held my little girl and prayed for her safety, for wisdom, as her mom, and for the evil of this world to stay far away from her. I also realized in that moment that for 412 days, I have never worried about Hope's safety. Never wondered if she was in pain, feared that she was unhappy or questioned how to care for her. She is my one child that will always be safe. She is the only one I won't pray protection over late into the night as the years go on. She is safe forever.
Losing a child still feels wrong, unfair and difficult to understand. That is unlikely to ever change. I am able to feel the comfort of knowing she's in heaven and safe in the arms of Jesus. That feels right, more than fair and yet still so difficult to understand.
Many people have questioned my desire to stop writing. To be completely honest, I don't feel right writing about Sadie and Stella as they grow up. It was different with Hope, we were calling an army of people to pray for her and there was a great reward for writing. If I told people what was happening, they could pray. I believe we needed that support and that Hope benefited from the knees that were bent around the world. As for Sadie and Stella, I don't want to make that choice for them. I don't want every birthday, Christmas and special event in their lives to be available to anyone that desires to take a look. I find Facebook to be public enough with those we choose to accept and want to limit their exposure. I do feel badly that many people have come to deeply care for our family and will feel like we've "dropped" them and for that I apologize. We so appreciated you joining us on our journey with Hope and we valued your commitment to pray. Please know how deeply grateful we feel that you cared.
As for our little family of 4…
We will always feel one person short. Every time I use the words, family photo, a part of me cringes. I find it difficult to think about the fact that Sadie will more than likely forget most of her time with Hope. I'm sure she'll remember the stories we repeat and recognize the photos she sees often, but memories she made at 2 years of age will slowly fade. I'm sad to know that Stella has a sister she's never met. I wonder if she'll ever feel left out. I often wonder how it will feel when I replace a photo of Hope in our home with someone or something else. She will always remain, but may not dominate the walls forever. 412 days later, I can see so many of the beautiful things that God created through the ashes. It doesn't make it all less painful, but it certainly makes it easier to accept. I can truly say that I still believe God is good, loves me deeply and longs for the day that we can all be forever safe in his arms. On that day, our family will no longer be one person short, our hearts will no longer be broken and our minds will finally understand.
Each person that came on this journey with us, played a part in helping me see purpose for our pain. Hope's reach was great, her impact profound and I am able to know that from the responses her story has received. Thank you for caring, thank you for loving us and thank you most of all for choosing to love a little girl that we all knew could one day be taken from us and leave us brokenhearted.
412 days without Hope have passed, I'm not sure how many more will, but each day that passes makes me a little bit older and a little bit closer to Heaven. A place always sweet, but made sweeter to me by her presence. I can only hope that each person who followed her story came to understand their own need for Jesus and will be there with me one day. I remember sitting at the Ronald McDonald House one night and writing, that if one person came to Christ through Hope's life and death, it would have purpose. I still feel that way and pray that anyone who hasn't accepted Christ, but desires to, would make that decision today and give purpose to her pain.
Saturday, 24 May 2014
One Year
A full year has now gone by. It's hard to believe we've been without Hope for a year, yet it often feels like much longer. I remember so many details of May 21st, 2013. I know that when I walked into her room that morning, she was wearing a pink sleeper with a ballerina on it. She was awake, but didn't respond at all to seeing me. This never happened and I knew something was very wrong. I remember who my last visitor at the hospital was, and that we ate veggie burgers in the cafeteria for lunch while Hope had an echo. I remember coming back from lunch and seeing 3 cardiologists walking towards me. I instantly knew that they were arriving with bad news. They told me that Hope wasn't doing well and would need to go to Edmonton to see if we could put in an artificial heart to keep her alive until a new heart arrived. It wasn't long before they returned to say they were going to intubate her as well. I remember calling Shawn and asking him to come to the hospital. I remember the person in the parking lot that honked at me for waiting for Shawn, I was totally NOT in this man's way!
I will always remember and regret the fight that Shawn and I had driving back to the house so I could grab my clothes. Hope had already been loaded up to start her transfer and I needed to get up to Edmonton to meet her. I had so much anxiety about how she was doing and took it out on the wrong person, something I will forever regret. I remember arriving home, a friend was already there packing my things. I remember what I ate for dinner and who dropped it off. I threw it in a tupperware, jumped in the car and ate it as I drove. I didn't stop the entire way and was just driving into Edmonton when the Cardiologist called to say she was crashing and I may not make it in time.
I remember running into the hospital and being so frustrated that even in trauma, my lungs were still really crappy at running. I had to take the elevator up to ICU because I was out of breath. I ran down the hall as fast as I could when the doors opened and the doctor was waiting for me in the hallway. The staff were so sensitive and loving, but there was nothing they could do. I went numb instantly and was in shock.
I remember each person arriving after she was gone. My friends Graeme, Carissa and Katie walking into the room to sit with me as she took her final breaths. My mom arriving an hour later, Shawn and James rushing in 2 hours after. I still remember the looks on each one of their faces, heartbreak. I remember walking Hope to the morgue as Shawn held her, the security guard was walking so fast.
One year later we wanted to create new memories, happy ones. Our girls don't know how difficult May 21st is. Sadie was so excited to be on vacation, she was so happy. Shawn and I struggled to fall asleep on Tuesday night. Stella was up at 2am to eat, not her regular routine. As I crawled back into bed, Shawn curled up behind me. I knew he was struggling just as I was. Sadie ran up to our bed at 6:20am to announce that it was awake time. We informed her that it was still night time (at least in our house!) and she crawled in beside Shawn and went back to sleep. Stella didn't get the memo and woke up shortly after to begin the day. May 21st was going to be a long day, our girls were deciding that for us.
We had decided to spend the 21st at Three Valley Gap in BC. We enjoy being there and there are so many things to do with your kids. After breakfast we took Sadie to the Enchanted Forest. It was an incredible time and Sadie had a blast. Stella was not quite so excited, but she's more fond of crying than smiling these days. After a couple of hours there, we went into Revelstoke, BC to have lunch and walk around. It was a beautiful day and we ate outside in the sun. After lunch we began the drive back to Calgary. We stopped to see Emerald Lake and eat dinner in Canmore. It was a nice day with our little family and although Stella screamed for the last hour of the drive, we made some good memories.
This weekend I spent time with friends baking heart cookies and then decorating them. I plan to deliver these to the staff and families at the Children's Hospital. We wanted to make an annual tradition of something we would do to remember Hope. It was enjoyable and I look forward to continuing the tradition.
Missing Hope is difficult. The pain of losing her is still very real and can be overwhelming at times. One year later, I can honestly say that we have joy and laughter in our lives. We have peace in knowing that she is whole and healthy in Heaven. We are deeply looking forward to the day we'll be together again in Heaven, but choosing to not miss out on loving her sisters that are still here on earth until then. If I let the sorrow overcome me, I'll miss out on Sadie and Stella. That is something I know I would deeply regret.
Thank you for continuing to pray for our family. One last update to come before I finish blogging about our journey. Another sign that life continues, and we are moving forward, but never moving on. We will always love Hope, always miss her, and are never able to forget that.
I will always remember and regret the fight that Shawn and I had driving back to the house so I could grab my clothes. Hope had already been loaded up to start her transfer and I needed to get up to Edmonton to meet her. I had so much anxiety about how she was doing and took it out on the wrong person, something I will forever regret. I remember arriving home, a friend was already there packing my things. I remember what I ate for dinner and who dropped it off. I threw it in a tupperware, jumped in the car and ate it as I drove. I didn't stop the entire way and was just driving into Edmonton when the Cardiologist called to say she was crashing and I may not make it in time.
I remember running into the hospital and being so frustrated that even in trauma, my lungs were still really crappy at running. I had to take the elevator up to ICU because I was out of breath. I ran down the hall as fast as I could when the doors opened and the doctor was waiting for me in the hallway. The staff were so sensitive and loving, but there was nothing they could do. I went numb instantly and was in shock.
I remember each person arriving after she was gone. My friends Graeme, Carissa and Katie walking into the room to sit with me as she took her final breaths. My mom arriving an hour later, Shawn and James rushing in 2 hours after. I still remember the looks on each one of their faces, heartbreak. I remember walking Hope to the morgue as Shawn held her, the security guard was walking so fast.
One year later we wanted to create new memories, happy ones. Our girls don't know how difficult May 21st is. Sadie was so excited to be on vacation, she was so happy. Shawn and I struggled to fall asleep on Tuesday night. Stella was up at 2am to eat, not her regular routine. As I crawled back into bed, Shawn curled up behind me. I knew he was struggling just as I was. Sadie ran up to our bed at 6:20am to announce that it was awake time. We informed her that it was still night time (at least in our house!) and she crawled in beside Shawn and went back to sleep. Stella didn't get the memo and woke up shortly after to begin the day. May 21st was going to be a long day, our girls were deciding that for us.
We had decided to spend the 21st at Three Valley Gap in BC. We enjoy being there and there are so many things to do with your kids. After breakfast we took Sadie to the Enchanted Forest. It was an incredible time and Sadie had a blast. Stella was not quite so excited, but she's more fond of crying than smiling these days. After a couple of hours there, we went into Revelstoke, BC to have lunch and walk around. It was a beautiful day and we ate outside in the sun. After lunch we began the drive back to Calgary. We stopped to see Emerald Lake and eat dinner in Canmore. It was a nice day with our little family and although Stella screamed for the last hour of the drive, we made some good memories.
This weekend I spent time with friends baking heart cookies and then decorating them. I plan to deliver these to the staff and families at the Children's Hospital. We wanted to make an annual tradition of something we would do to remember Hope. It was enjoyable and I look forward to continuing the tradition.
Missing Hope is difficult. The pain of losing her is still very real and can be overwhelming at times. One year later, I can honestly say that we have joy and laughter in our lives. We have peace in knowing that she is whole and healthy in Heaven. We are deeply looking forward to the day we'll be together again in Heaven, but choosing to not miss out on loving her sisters that are still here on earth until then. If I let the sorrow overcome me, I'll miss out on Sadie and Stella. That is something I know I would deeply regret.
Thank you for continuing to pray for our family. One last update to come before I finish blogging about our journey. Another sign that life continues, and we are moving forward, but never moving on. We will always love Hope, always miss her, and are never able to forget that.
Monday, 21 April 2014
21 x 11
Today was my 11th 21st without Hope. In a lot of ways it made Easter difficult. I spent much of Easter remembering last Easter. As Sadie went on her egg hunt, I pictured the egg hunt she'd gone on the year before. Soon after she found all her eggs, I went to the hospital to pick up Hope for her day pass. We brought Hope to Shawn's parents house and as I sat there this year, I wished I had her with me once again. I also spent Easter dreading today. I knew that on the 20th I was celebrating Jesus rising from the dead, and the next morning I would be remembering Hope's death. I did find comfort in knowing that had Jesus not died and risen again, Hope would not be with him in Heaven today.
Once again I kept myself busy to make the 21st end quickly. I tried not to think about it and therefore avoided talking to anyone that might bring it up. It's not that I don't want to talk about it, I just felt so weak today and knew that I couldn't care for Sadie and Stella if I didn't try to think about something else. I still haven't figured out why some 21st are more difficult than others.
One of the hardest things about today, was knowing that in one month it will have been a full year without Hope. I dread that day the most. It just feels like such a long time, too long to go without holding her. I'm not sure how I'll walk through that day, I guess we'll battle through it when it arrives.
Life with Stella has been a good distraction in many ways. I love to see Sadie with a sister again. I often find her in Stella's room with one of her dolls mimicking the things I do for Stella. She feeds her dolls, puts them down for naps, talks to them like I would talk to Stella and carries them around in a carseat. There are more hugs for Stella than she needs, kisses galore and a lot of talking from her big sister. I dread the days when Stella won't be able to focus on eating because Sadie won't be able to leave her alone for 20 minutes!
Although I love having Stella and find great joy in both her and Sadie, life has been busy and also emotionally exhausting the last 7 weeks. A few people close to us have been through a lot and that weighs heavy on our hearts. I often feel overwhelmed and exhausted. I'm trying to take care of myself and find a balance of being able to love those around me, the way I enjoy, and not overload myself at the same time. I find such joy in serving others and it's hard for me to balance caring for my own family and caring for others. Many times it's more fulfilling to pour into others, but in the end my family needs me as well. I have to remind myself that I still have a newborn that isn't sleeping through the night.
I do not regret getting a lot of new things for Stella. It can be nice to pull out something of Hope's and relive all of the memories, but most days it's too difficult. Today I put Stella in a pair of Hope's socks. As I slid her tiny feet into them, I thought about how the same socks were on Hope's feet when she was 6 months old. I pictured her wearing them in ICE in Edmonton and longed to touch her precious feet again. Other things I pull out of Stella's drawer and realize that I had hardly used them for Hope as they were too difficult to put on with all of her tubes. I feel a sense of loss for all the normal things I missed out on with Hope.
Nursing Stella has been difficult. I had the same issues with Sadie and some with Hope as well. Today I finished my third round of medication to help with the issue and have not found it's been successful. With Sadie I only had to do two rounds before I found relief. I am not able to do any further rounds as my blood pressure would get much too low. I'm still plugging away and trying to give Stella the free food my body carries as long as possible. I think a lot of the desire is not from a cost savings perspective, but more from the fact that I wasn't able to nurse Hope. I pumped for Hope, but never got to actually breastfeed her. Having that privilege, although painful, with Stella is hard to walk away from.
On April 4th we celebrated Hope's life. It would have been her 2nd birthday and Shawn and I had decided to celebrate the day she was given life, instead of the day it was taken from her. We had some people over that had been vital in her life and together watched a video that had been made of all the cell phone clips we had of her. It was wonderful to see her "alive" again and to watch it with a room full of people that also loved her. It was also a distraction to have people in our home and that made the day easier. I had spent some of the morning sobbing in Stella's nursery and knew that without something to plan for that evening, it would have been an even more difficult day.
Thank you to everyone that continues to remember and to pray for our family. I have learned that time does not necessarily heal the wounds, it just gets easier to accept that they happened. I am thankful for the 412 days that I was able to spend with Hope and wouldn't give them back. I will always wish I'd had more though. Until we get to heaven and are able to spend eternity with Hope, pain free and whole hearted, I will hold her in my heart and remind her sisters of how God used her short life to touch ours.
Once again I kept myself busy to make the 21st end quickly. I tried not to think about it and therefore avoided talking to anyone that might bring it up. It's not that I don't want to talk about it, I just felt so weak today and knew that I couldn't care for Sadie and Stella if I didn't try to think about something else. I still haven't figured out why some 21st are more difficult than others.
One of the hardest things about today, was knowing that in one month it will have been a full year without Hope. I dread that day the most. It just feels like such a long time, too long to go without holding her. I'm not sure how I'll walk through that day, I guess we'll battle through it when it arrives.
Life with Stella has been a good distraction in many ways. I love to see Sadie with a sister again. I often find her in Stella's room with one of her dolls mimicking the things I do for Stella. She feeds her dolls, puts them down for naps, talks to them like I would talk to Stella and carries them around in a carseat. There are more hugs for Stella than she needs, kisses galore and a lot of talking from her big sister. I dread the days when Stella won't be able to focus on eating because Sadie won't be able to leave her alone for 20 minutes!
Although I love having Stella and find great joy in both her and Sadie, life has been busy and also emotionally exhausting the last 7 weeks. A few people close to us have been through a lot and that weighs heavy on our hearts. I often feel overwhelmed and exhausted. I'm trying to take care of myself and find a balance of being able to love those around me, the way I enjoy, and not overload myself at the same time. I find such joy in serving others and it's hard for me to balance caring for my own family and caring for others. Many times it's more fulfilling to pour into others, but in the end my family needs me as well. I have to remind myself that I still have a newborn that isn't sleeping through the night.
I do not regret getting a lot of new things for Stella. It can be nice to pull out something of Hope's and relive all of the memories, but most days it's too difficult. Today I put Stella in a pair of Hope's socks. As I slid her tiny feet into them, I thought about how the same socks were on Hope's feet when she was 6 months old. I pictured her wearing them in ICE in Edmonton and longed to touch her precious feet again. Other things I pull out of Stella's drawer and realize that I had hardly used them for Hope as they were too difficult to put on with all of her tubes. I feel a sense of loss for all the normal things I missed out on with Hope.
Nursing Stella has been difficult. I had the same issues with Sadie and some with Hope as well. Today I finished my third round of medication to help with the issue and have not found it's been successful. With Sadie I only had to do two rounds before I found relief. I am not able to do any further rounds as my blood pressure would get much too low. I'm still plugging away and trying to give Stella the free food my body carries as long as possible. I think a lot of the desire is not from a cost savings perspective, but more from the fact that I wasn't able to nurse Hope. I pumped for Hope, but never got to actually breastfeed her. Having that privilege, although painful, with Stella is hard to walk away from.
On April 4th we celebrated Hope's life. It would have been her 2nd birthday and Shawn and I had decided to celebrate the day she was given life, instead of the day it was taken from her. We had some people over that had been vital in her life and together watched a video that had been made of all the cell phone clips we had of her. It was wonderful to see her "alive" again and to watch it with a room full of people that also loved her. It was also a distraction to have people in our home and that made the day easier. I had spent some of the morning sobbing in Stella's nursery and knew that without something to plan for that evening, it would have been an even more difficult day.
Thank you to everyone that continues to remember and to pray for our family. I have learned that time does not necessarily heal the wounds, it just gets easier to accept that they happened. I am thankful for the 412 days that I was able to spend with Hope and wouldn't give them back. I will always wish I'd had more though. Until we get to heaven and are able to spend eternity with Hope, pain free and whole hearted, I will hold her in my heart and remind her sisters of how God used her short life to touch ours.
Tuesday, 25 March 2014
409 - Our Beautiful Rainbow
Stella's birth was by far my most painful delivery. It was emotionally difficult, but physically difficult as well. My water was broken at 4pm and the induction drugs were started. For many hours I felt great, I was simply chatting with Shawn and my mom and waiting for the real contractions to arrive. Eventually they came with full force and began to run into one another without a break. Stella was face up and needed to turn. As a result, I was labouring on all fours in an effort to get her turned around. Once the contractions were on top of one another and I didn't have a break in between, I began to think of Hope often and was emotionally overwhelmed. At 5 cms I asked for an epidural and could barely stand the pain as I waited for the doctor to arrive. The epidural went in easily and as I finally started to feel a little bit of relief, I felt intense pressure and wanted to push. The epidural had only been in for 10 minutes when I asked the doctor to check me again. He was surprised to find that I was now 10 cms and ready to push.
Unfortunately, my labouring on all fours had not done it's job completely. Stella had turned, but only half way. She was coming out sideways, shoulders stacked on top of one another! As a result, she was quite stuck and pushing her out was slow and extremely painful. Unlike the other two deliveries, I screamed with each push and begged the doctors to hurry up and get her out. It was about 30 minutes before she finally arrived and was placed on my stomach. I was instantly aware of how much she looked like Sadie. She doesn't look like Hope at all, it was Sadie's twin! Although I'll always wonder what Hope would have looked like as she grew up, I'm thankful that Stella looks like Sadie.
Stella has now been home with us for two weeks and we are so thankful for her. Sadie is absolutely enthralled with her sister and is asking to hold her constantly. She is always willing to help out with her little sister and is so excited to introduce her to others. We are proud of Sadie and the way she has adjusted so far to Stella being home with us. Stella is an extremely easy going baby. She rarely cries, unless she's hungry or you're changing her diaper while she's hungry. She sleeps well during the day and is starting to sleep more at night. She eats a LOT and is sure to grow with the amount she consumes in a day.
I feel such gratitude for her healthy life and after all we went through with Hope, I realize what a blessing her health is. Getting up to nurse her in the night is a privilege, not a burden. I remember what it felt like to get up and mix feeds, pump, run a tube feed and then sterilize all the equipment with Hope. That was not easy in the night and we were exhausted. Getting up to cuddle in a chair with a sleepy baby nursing is a completely different experience. Sleeping in my own bed, instead of a rock hard mattress in the hospital is incredible. We spent so much time at the hospital with Hope, our time at home with her was so brief it's hard to even remember how it felt. Each day at home with Stella is a gift. I hope the gratitude never fades as I enjoy the blessing of having both my girls at home. I'll always know that a third little girl is missing from each family photo, but I'll continue to find comfort in the knowledge that Hope is pain free in Heaven.
I love getting to watch Sadie enjoy her sister on a daily basis. I love that I can care for Stella's needs and still be a mom to Sadie at the same time. Caring for Hope often involved not being able to care for Sadie, that was never easy. Newborns are a lot of work, but after the journey we had with Hope, it feels like a much easier road than the one previously travelled.
Thank you to everyone that prayed for us through my pregnancy and the arrival of Stella. Your prayers have clearly made an impact as I find such peace in caring for Stella and welcoming her into our family.
Many people have asked me if I will continue to blog. This blog was started to share Hope's story and her story has already been written. I have decided that since Hope was with us for 412 days on this earth, I'll write 412 entries onto this blog. After that I'll enjoy my girls at home and no longer write about the ins and outs of our daily lives. This entry is number 409, that leaves 3 entries before I'll finish, likely just in time for the one year anniversary of Hope's death. Thank you to everyone that has journeyed with our family. It has been a long road and was full of a lot of ups and downs, we don't even want to imagine how it would have felt to walk through that without all the support we've been given from you all.
Friday, 14 March 2014
The "Rainbow" has arrived!
On March 10th at 11:19 pm, we welcomed Stella Hope Koslowski into the world. She weighed 6 lbs., 6 oz. and was 21 inches long. She is the spitting image of her older sister, Sadie. She is perfectly healthy and we are rejoicing in the safe delivery of our rainbow baby! I have intended to write about her entrance into our lives several times since Monday, but right now Stella likes to party all night and I am finding it hard to stay awake long enough to blog! Stay tuned and I will write more when the fog clears. : ) Thank you so much for all your prayers for our little family! We are in love.
Monday, 10 March 2014
The Night Before...
I've been told I'll get a call that tells me what time to come to the hospital tomorrow. I have no idea when that will happen and can only hope it truly happens tomorrow. There is always the chance that every other woman in Calgary will decide to deliver tomorrow and I'll be postponed. I am trusting that God will have control over the timing and praying that I get a call earlier in the day and not later. The baby is fine, I'm simply overwhelmed emotionally and my body appears to be trying to go into labour, but failing. I've been induced with all of my deliveries. My body will break my water or begin contractions but never makes it far enough on it's own and I end up with an induction anyway. I feel confident that this is the right decision.
This little girl, this upcoming delivery and this pregnancy have been an experience I was not fully prepared for. We were obviously shocked to find out we were pregnant so quickly after losing Hope, but were excited and knew that we had many months to adjust to the idea. I spent the majority of those months in denial and focused on the fact that I was pregnant, but not the fact that I would be having a baby. Thanks to a lot of help from a grief counsellor, I've been able to dig into my pain and allow myself to bond with this new little girl and not allow my fears to hold me back.
This does not mean the fears simply go away. After losing a child, you are no longer free to assume that everything will be fine. It doesn't matter that the echo looked great of this baby's heart, the list of complications that can happen is still quite long. I fear a lot of things that will likely never become reality, but until I hold my healthy baby girl in my arms, my heart is not truly at rest.
In reading through materials for parents about to have a child after the loss of another, I have learned that I am not alone in my feelings. Any pregnant woman struggles at the end of pregnancy with the patience of waiting to meet their baby and to finish being pregnant! The intensity of all that when you've lost a child is just so much greater. I was comforted to know that this is normal and that often woman begin to lose their minds much earlier than I have. At this point, although I feel my daughter move within me, I need to see her breathe in front of me. I long to see her breathing and alive. Sadie will always be my baby girl, but Hope was truly still a baby and the last time I held her she was no longer alive. My arms ache for the feel of a warm baby's body, a rising chest and eyes full of life that look up at me. This is not filled by any baby, it is a feeling that I believe will only go away when I hold a baby belonging to Shawn and me.
I hold a lot of fears about the hospital. The experience is too familiar and it's a struggle for Shawn to be there as well. I'm not sure how I'll feel about the IV's, the doctors coming in and out, the nurses, the smell of hospital laundry, the sounds around the ward or the experience all together. I'm not sure how I'll feel emotionally as I go through the pain of bringing this life into the world. I'm truly overwhelmed tonight as I think about it and can only pray that sleep comes quickly and deeply so tonight will be over soon. I'm praying that our daughter and myself will go through labour without complications and that when I tell the doctors I'd really like to stay in the hospital for the shortest amount of time possible, that they understand and let us come home.
Thank you for holding our family up in prayer tomorrow, as I should be receiving that phone call to go and begin our induction. I'll be sure to post an update, and a picture, as soon as I can get home and back on the computer.
This little girl, this upcoming delivery and this pregnancy have been an experience I was not fully prepared for. We were obviously shocked to find out we were pregnant so quickly after losing Hope, but were excited and knew that we had many months to adjust to the idea. I spent the majority of those months in denial and focused on the fact that I was pregnant, but not the fact that I would be having a baby. Thanks to a lot of help from a grief counsellor, I've been able to dig into my pain and allow myself to bond with this new little girl and not allow my fears to hold me back.
This does not mean the fears simply go away. After losing a child, you are no longer free to assume that everything will be fine. It doesn't matter that the echo looked great of this baby's heart, the list of complications that can happen is still quite long. I fear a lot of things that will likely never become reality, but until I hold my healthy baby girl in my arms, my heart is not truly at rest.
In reading through materials for parents about to have a child after the loss of another, I have learned that I am not alone in my feelings. Any pregnant woman struggles at the end of pregnancy with the patience of waiting to meet their baby and to finish being pregnant! The intensity of all that when you've lost a child is just so much greater. I was comforted to know that this is normal and that often woman begin to lose their minds much earlier than I have. At this point, although I feel my daughter move within me, I need to see her breathe in front of me. I long to see her breathing and alive. Sadie will always be my baby girl, but Hope was truly still a baby and the last time I held her she was no longer alive. My arms ache for the feel of a warm baby's body, a rising chest and eyes full of life that look up at me. This is not filled by any baby, it is a feeling that I believe will only go away when I hold a baby belonging to Shawn and me.
I hold a lot of fears about the hospital. The experience is too familiar and it's a struggle for Shawn to be there as well. I'm not sure how I'll feel about the IV's, the doctors coming in and out, the nurses, the smell of hospital laundry, the sounds around the ward or the experience all together. I'm not sure how I'll feel emotionally as I go through the pain of bringing this life into the world. I'm truly overwhelmed tonight as I think about it and can only pray that sleep comes quickly and deeply so tonight will be over soon. I'm praying that our daughter and myself will go through labour without complications and that when I tell the doctors I'd really like to stay in the hospital for the shortest amount of time possible, that they understand and let us come home.
Thank you for holding our family up in prayer tomorrow, as I should be receiving that phone call to go and begin our induction. I'll be sure to post an update, and a picture, as soon as I can get home and back on the computer.
Tuesday, 25 February 2014
Baby Girl 3.0
I am now 36.5 weeks pregnant and ready to deliver yesterday. This little lady dropped into the birth canal at 33 weeks and has stayed there ever since. The pressure from this change has been less than enjoyable and caused these weeks to feel long. I am thankful that she avoided coming during the time that would have required a NICU stay, but I am happy to evict her now!
A few weeks ago I finally found the right fit for me in grief counselling. Some times it takes trying 4 people before you find the right person. She has been a great blessing in this final trimester as she prepares me for the emotions of welcoming this new life and also forcing me to see areas that I am avoiding. It wasn't until I began meeting with her that I finally realized I was unintentionally avoiding bonding with baby girl 3.0 as we call her. The fear of losing another precious life makes us protect ourselves, sometimes subconsciously. It has been good to force my heart open once again and risk pain in order to find the pleasure of deeply loving the life inside.
This little girl is our third daughter. Not a new Hope, not a replacement for Hope and will never be expected to fill the life we lost in Hope. In understanding that and desiring to separate the two experiences, I've been taking steps toward making this little girl a new experience. We have re-decorated the nursery for the first time since Sadie was born. It is no longer pink, brown and white. It now has bursts of colour and a 'few' extra hearts around. When I walk into the room, I find it refreshing and it no longer feels like Hope's room. We also finally decided on a name for the baby and have begun referring to her by name. I have even allowed myself to purchase new things for her. Yes, I have a lot of sleepers and clothes in pink, but they all bring back memories and I need some fresh memories as well.
My bag for the hospital is packed, the baby's bag is packed and we are now in the waiting stage. The doctors are surprised my body has held out this long. I could go tonight, or I may have to wait another 3 weeks. I guess that's the beauty of the human body, we can only guess, but will never know for sure. Truly I desire this little girl to arrive in the next two weeks. I would like for her birth to be in no way associated with Hope's death. The 21st is really hard on me and although some feel that delivering on that day would be healing, I feel it would be too much for me. I want to celebrate this new life and not have deep sorrow creeping into the day. It will already be emotional with all the memories that will come. If you'd like a specific prayer, a delivery well before the 21st would be ideal!
Sadie is very excited for the arrival of her new baby sister. She talks about her often and plays in her room with her dolls. I think she'll be a wonderful helper for me and fall in love easily. I'm hardly sleeping currently, perhaps this is in preparation for the lack of sleep to come. I could really use some good sleep to get through the next little while. Each night I have contractions, pain and discomfort that keep me from sleeping. The constant movement is keeping Shawn up in the night and we both look forward to me sleeping better one day.
This year Shawn and I decided to be intentional about seeking the Lord in our lives. We started to read through the Bible and have really enjoyed the routine of being in the word each day. It has created more of a hunger for me to dig in on my own and brought my prayer life more passion as well. I would appreciate prayer to maintain this discipline as life will be much busier with a new baby in the home. My walk with God through our journey with Hope was intimate in a way I've never experienced. I learned so much through it and look forward to our girls being older and having more time to share this experience with others. The desperation for God is not as strong in my current walk, but I know my need is the same and I try to make him a priority in my everyday life.
Hopefully my next post will be to introduce baby girl 3.0 to you all. I often try to picture what she will look like, and look forward to finally seeing her face and having the pleasure of being her mom. Thank you for continuing to pray for us. We know that this next stage will come with blessings and difficulty and we covet your prayers.
A few weeks ago I finally found the right fit for me in grief counselling. Some times it takes trying 4 people before you find the right person. She has been a great blessing in this final trimester as she prepares me for the emotions of welcoming this new life and also forcing me to see areas that I am avoiding. It wasn't until I began meeting with her that I finally realized I was unintentionally avoiding bonding with baby girl 3.0 as we call her. The fear of losing another precious life makes us protect ourselves, sometimes subconsciously. It has been good to force my heart open once again and risk pain in order to find the pleasure of deeply loving the life inside.
This little girl is our third daughter. Not a new Hope, not a replacement for Hope and will never be expected to fill the life we lost in Hope. In understanding that and desiring to separate the two experiences, I've been taking steps toward making this little girl a new experience. We have re-decorated the nursery for the first time since Sadie was born. It is no longer pink, brown and white. It now has bursts of colour and a 'few' extra hearts around. When I walk into the room, I find it refreshing and it no longer feels like Hope's room. We also finally decided on a name for the baby and have begun referring to her by name. I have even allowed myself to purchase new things for her. Yes, I have a lot of sleepers and clothes in pink, but they all bring back memories and I need some fresh memories as well.
My bag for the hospital is packed, the baby's bag is packed and we are now in the waiting stage. The doctors are surprised my body has held out this long. I could go tonight, or I may have to wait another 3 weeks. I guess that's the beauty of the human body, we can only guess, but will never know for sure. Truly I desire this little girl to arrive in the next two weeks. I would like for her birth to be in no way associated with Hope's death. The 21st is really hard on me and although some feel that delivering on that day would be healing, I feel it would be too much for me. I want to celebrate this new life and not have deep sorrow creeping into the day. It will already be emotional with all the memories that will come. If you'd like a specific prayer, a delivery well before the 21st would be ideal!
Sadie is very excited for the arrival of her new baby sister. She talks about her often and plays in her room with her dolls. I think she'll be a wonderful helper for me and fall in love easily. I'm hardly sleeping currently, perhaps this is in preparation for the lack of sleep to come. I could really use some good sleep to get through the next little while. Each night I have contractions, pain and discomfort that keep me from sleeping. The constant movement is keeping Shawn up in the night and we both look forward to me sleeping better one day.
This year Shawn and I decided to be intentional about seeking the Lord in our lives. We started to read through the Bible and have really enjoyed the routine of being in the word each day. It has created more of a hunger for me to dig in on my own and brought my prayer life more passion as well. I would appreciate prayer to maintain this discipline as life will be much busier with a new baby in the home. My walk with God through our journey with Hope was intimate in a way I've never experienced. I learned so much through it and look forward to our girls being older and having more time to share this experience with others. The desperation for God is not as strong in my current walk, but I know my need is the same and I try to make him a priority in my everyday life.
Hopefully my next post will be to introduce baby girl 3.0 to you all. I often try to picture what she will look like, and look forward to finally seeing her face and having the pleasure of being her mom. Thank you for continuing to pray for us. We know that this next stage will come with blessings and difficulty and we covet your prayers.
Thursday, 23 January 2014
The Final Trimester
It appears the blog has become more of a monthly thing now. I don't intentionally stay away, it just doesn't often come to mind and life is fairly 'normal' now, so there isn't much to write. I am now almost 32 weeks pregnant and in the awkward and uncomfortable stage. I'm not a huge fan of pregnancy in general, but the end is my least favourite part. Thankfully the count down can soon begin and I know it's worth it in the end.
Shawn and I are still debating over two names for our little girl and trying to prepare ourselves for the arrival of a new baby. Although I'd like to believe I'll be totally fine, I know the arrival of this child will come with a lot of emotions. I am about to embark on a new relationship with a highly recommended grief counsellor and I'm hoping it's the perfect fit.
The journey of grief is very random at times. I have sad days, more often just sad moments. I don't mind talking about Hope or our journey, but I often find it difficult to support others that are grieving over Hope. If their pain is from another source, I don't find it difficult at all. When it comes to Hope, I feel that carrying my own pain is enough and at times I'm not strong enough to support someone else that is struggling with her loss. There are days that I have the strength to walk alongside someone else grieving her loss, but never on a 21st of the month!
Sadie is doing well and still talks about her sister often. She is quick to correct anyone that suggests she is becoming a big sister for the first time. She appears to understand that a new baby is coming, but has yet to grasp that her new sister is healthy. She will often ask questions that relate to the new baby dying or one of her parents dying. Her brain is still working to process her loss and we work hard to be open and patient with all of her questions. I can only handle so many suggestions that the new baby will die in a single day though. There are times that I have to be honest and tell her that if she suggests this baby is going to die again, mommy might cry.
I had planned to leave the nursery alone, but have decided that it would be better for me to add some new touches and make things fresh. Remembering that this baby is our rainbow baby, and Hope's little sister, I decided on a heart theme in rainbow colours. I'm still in the ideas stage, but I'm looking forward to giving this baby a beautiful bedroom of her own. I know that these little steps are progress in my journey with grief and are necessary.
I have also been re-learning how to connect with God when life is not in crisis. Although our journey with Hope was painful, I felt a deep connection to God and a desperate need for him. Now that life has transitioned to a more normal routine, I have to be intentional about pursuing a relationship with God. I now feel that I am more in control of my life, which requires choosing to relinquish that control to God. As much as walking through crisis is painful, there are beautiful benefits to feeling completely broken.
Tomorrow Shawn, Sadie and I depart on a family vacation. We hope to enjoy a vacation before the arrival of the new baby. Sadie is so excited to have both of us around all day and to wear her summer clothes. She's been talking about this trip for a long time and we look forward to seeing her joy each day.
Please continue to pray for us as we prepare for the arrival of this baby girl. I need prayer as I walk through the emotions of having a healthy child and mourn all the things I wasn't able to do with Hope. Thank you for continuing to care and for holding our family up in prayer.
Shawn and I are still debating over two names for our little girl and trying to prepare ourselves for the arrival of a new baby. Although I'd like to believe I'll be totally fine, I know the arrival of this child will come with a lot of emotions. I am about to embark on a new relationship with a highly recommended grief counsellor and I'm hoping it's the perfect fit.
The journey of grief is very random at times. I have sad days, more often just sad moments. I don't mind talking about Hope or our journey, but I often find it difficult to support others that are grieving over Hope. If their pain is from another source, I don't find it difficult at all. When it comes to Hope, I feel that carrying my own pain is enough and at times I'm not strong enough to support someone else that is struggling with her loss. There are days that I have the strength to walk alongside someone else grieving her loss, but never on a 21st of the month!
Sadie is doing well and still talks about her sister often. She is quick to correct anyone that suggests she is becoming a big sister for the first time. She appears to understand that a new baby is coming, but has yet to grasp that her new sister is healthy. She will often ask questions that relate to the new baby dying or one of her parents dying. Her brain is still working to process her loss and we work hard to be open and patient with all of her questions. I can only handle so many suggestions that the new baby will die in a single day though. There are times that I have to be honest and tell her that if she suggests this baby is going to die again, mommy might cry.
I had planned to leave the nursery alone, but have decided that it would be better for me to add some new touches and make things fresh. Remembering that this baby is our rainbow baby, and Hope's little sister, I decided on a heart theme in rainbow colours. I'm still in the ideas stage, but I'm looking forward to giving this baby a beautiful bedroom of her own. I know that these little steps are progress in my journey with grief and are necessary.
I have also been re-learning how to connect with God when life is not in crisis. Although our journey with Hope was painful, I felt a deep connection to God and a desperate need for him. Now that life has transitioned to a more normal routine, I have to be intentional about pursuing a relationship with God. I now feel that I am more in control of my life, which requires choosing to relinquish that control to God. As much as walking through crisis is painful, there are beautiful benefits to feeling completely broken.
Tomorrow Shawn, Sadie and I depart on a family vacation. We hope to enjoy a vacation before the arrival of the new baby. Sadie is so excited to have both of us around all day and to wear her summer clothes. She's been talking about this trip for a long time and we look forward to seeing her joy each day.
Please continue to pray for us as we prepare for the arrival of this baby girl. I need prayer as I walk through the emotions of having a healthy child and mourn all the things I wasn't able to do with Hope. Thank you for continuing to care and for holding our family up in prayer.
Wednesday, 25 December 2013
December in Denial
Merry Christmas everyone! I've been asked a lot today how I'm doing and I appreciate that people care. To be honest I feel that this Christmas I've chosen to be numb of most emotions and avoid the pain. It's not to say that I refuse to grieve, I've still shed tears, but I didn't want to sob through the day and pushed myself to not focus on what I was missing today. Sadie was a fantastic distraction and was very excited that Santa remembered to bring her a wheelchair for her dolls. We had my parents out for a wonderful 5 day visit to keep us busy and distracted. They flew out today at noon so it broke up our day and helped keep my thoughts off missing Hope. We did make a stop at the Children's hospital on the way up to Shawn's parents house to drop off some treats for two families. I simply couldn't let today go by without acknowledging that there are still families spending the holiday in a cramped hospital room and not doing the things they normally would. I realize they are so blessed to just be together, but I know it's difficult and wanted to try to bring a smile, even if only for a moment. I had so many ideas of what I wanted to do for families in the hospital this year, but December did not go according to plan!
December has not been a month of great health for our family and I've spent a lot of it on the couch. I started with a cold that was survivable, but not enjoyable. I then got the influenza virus, apparently a strain that was not covered by my flu shot. I was very ill and after being given IV fluids at the hospital, they decided to put me on antivirals. These may have helped, but I'm not really sure as I didn't react well to them. Eventually I was taken off of them, after I began vomiting each time I took them and feeling worse when they were in my system. I spent almost an entire day at my OB's office after vomiting all over myself while driving to my appointment! They didn't want to send me into the hospital as there were so many germs and my immune system was garbage. They started an IV right in their office for the first time ever and essentially put me in a storage room on a bed for hours while filling my body with fluids. I even had to show them how to use some of the equipment, all those months in the hospital pay off some days. They did an ultrasound of the baby to make sure she was tolerating all the sickness well. She looks great and is growing on schedule and developing as she should. I had the privilege of seeing her beautiful 4 chamber heart once again and could thank God for a miracle I never understood before meeting Hope.
When I finally began to feel human again, I spent a day running around to catch up on all the errands I had gotten so far behind on. While dropping something off at a friends house I jokingly told her I thought I broke my ribs. I had this terrible pain in my side that had started in the morning. By 4 pm the pain was so intense I couldn't handle it any longer and had to go back to the hospital again! They confirmed that I had indeed broken at least 1 but possibly 3 ribs from coughing so hard with all my yucky germs I'd been fighting. I spent the next couple of days on pain meds but eventually began feeling nauseous from those and went off them. I am now feeling a lot more comfortable and can cough or sneeze without getting tense beforehand. They said the healing process may be slow with all the movement in my ribs from the baby growing. They don't realize that we've been praying about it and things are healing faster than I expected and I'm almost back to my normal routine. I still have a difficult time picking up anything heavy, that includes Sadie girl.
This morning under the tree were a few gifts from my family for the new little lady that grows in my belly. Opening little girl clothes once again and being reminded that this girl is coming in a few short months was nice. I'm excited to meet her and often wonder if she'll look like Hope. I look forward to having the moments with her that I wasn't able to have with Hope. I feel afraid when I think about planning this daughter's 1st birthday as I know it was the only one I ever had the privilege of planning for Hope. At the same time, I look forward to telling her often about her big sister up in Heaven who was such a world changer and will forever be precious in our family.
I also had the joy of walking down memory lane. My mom worked tirelessly this year and completed a scrapbook of the first 30 years of my life! (I turn 30 on the 28th this month) She beautifully laid out our precious Hope and our life journey with her. I was also reminded of my terrible haircut choice in grade 8, boyfriends that just weren't Shawn and friends I haven't seen in years. It was such a gift to sit and go through it all with my mom and to enjoy her hard labours finally!
The holiday season was full of a lot of blessing. Although we thought often of Christmas last year and knew that our family was one short, we were glad that Sadie didn't have to spend all day at the hospital this year and could enjoy time with her extended family. Someone who never identified themselves dropped off very creative packages on our doorstep each morning for the 12 days of Christmas. I often laughed or smiled going through them and it was something to look forward to each day. We also received a video we requested be made after Hope's death and were able to watch it just before Christmas. Watching Hope smile and hearing her whine was a precious gift we will cherish. I have yet to sit through more than 20 seconds of it before the tears begin to stream. If anyone would like a good cry and a reminder of how bright her smiles were, I'm happy to watch it again! I also spent this Christmas knowing that Hope was celebrating Jesus' birth with the birthday boy. That's much more exciting than what we were doing here on earth and I picture her in absolute joy and peace and that is comforting. I don't wish her back here to a world of pain, I just look forward to joining her one day in paradise.
Merry Christmas!
December has not been a month of great health for our family and I've spent a lot of it on the couch. I started with a cold that was survivable, but not enjoyable. I then got the influenza virus, apparently a strain that was not covered by my flu shot. I was very ill and after being given IV fluids at the hospital, they decided to put me on antivirals. These may have helped, but I'm not really sure as I didn't react well to them. Eventually I was taken off of them, after I began vomiting each time I took them and feeling worse when they were in my system. I spent almost an entire day at my OB's office after vomiting all over myself while driving to my appointment! They didn't want to send me into the hospital as there were so many germs and my immune system was garbage. They started an IV right in their office for the first time ever and essentially put me in a storage room on a bed for hours while filling my body with fluids. I even had to show them how to use some of the equipment, all those months in the hospital pay off some days. They did an ultrasound of the baby to make sure she was tolerating all the sickness well. She looks great and is growing on schedule and developing as she should. I had the privilege of seeing her beautiful 4 chamber heart once again and could thank God for a miracle I never understood before meeting Hope.
When I finally began to feel human again, I spent a day running around to catch up on all the errands I had gotten so far behind on. While dropping something off at a friends house I jokingly told her I thought I broke my ribs. I had this terrible pain in my side that had started in the morning. By 4 pm the pain was so intense I couldn't handle it any longer and had to go back to the hospital again! They confirmed that I had indeed broken at least 1 but possibly 3 ribs from coughing so hard with all my yucky germs I'd been fighting. I spent the next couple of days on pain meds but eventually began feeling nauseous from those and went off them. I am now feeling a lot more comfortable and can cough or sneeze without getting tense beforehand. They said the healing process may be slow with all the movement in my ribs from the baby growing. They don't realize that we've been praying about it and things are healing faster than I expected and I'm almost back to my normal routine. I still have a difficult time picking up anything heavy, that includes Sadie girl.
This morning under the tree were a few gifts from my family for the new little lady that grows in my belly. Opening little girl clothes once again and being reminded that this girl is coming in a few short months was nice. I'm excited to meet her and often wonder if she'll look like Hope. I look forward to having the moments with her that I wasn't able to have with Hope. I feel afraid when I think about planning this daughter's 1st birthday as I know it was the only one I ever had the privilege of planning for Hope. At the same time, I look forward to telling her often about her big sister up in Heaven who was such a world changer and will forever be precious in our family.
I also had the joy of walking down memory lane. My mom worked tirelessly this year and completed a scrapbook of the first 30 years of my life! (I turn 30 on the 28th this month) She beautifully laid out our precious Hope and our life journey with her. I was also reminded of my terrible haircut choice in grade 8, boyfriends that just weren't Shawn and friends I haven't seen in years. It was such a gift to sit and go through it all with my mom and to enjoy her hard labours finally!
The holiday season was full of a lot of blessing. Although we thought often of Christmas last year and knew that our family was one short, we were glad that Sadie didn't have to spend all day at the hospital this year and could enjoy time with her extended family. Someone who never identified themselves dropped off very creative packages on our doorstep each morning for the 12 days of Christmas. I often laughed or smiled going through them and it was something to look forward to each day. We also received a video we requested be made after Hope's death and were able to watch it just before Christmas. Watching Hope smile and hearing her whine was a precious gift we will cherish. I have yet to sit through more than 20 seconds of it before the tears begin to stream. If anyone would like a good cry and a reminder of how bright her smiles were, I'm happy to watch it again! I also spent this Christmas knowing that Hope was celebrating Jesus' birth with the birthday boy. That's much more exciting than what we were doing here on earth and I picture her in absolute joy and peace and that is comforting. I don't wish her back here to a world of pain, I just look forward to joining her one day in paradise.
Merry Christmas!
Wednesday, 20 November 2013
Naked Truth
Many people told me that losing Hope would make me a better mom to Sadie. They were wrong. Today was horrible, down right awful. Today I hit the wall of a build up of Sadie's whining, complaining and bad attitude. I don't know what happened to our sweet girl, but over the last 72 hours she's been more of a thorn in my flesh than a precious blessing. By 4:30 pm I had hit rock bottom. Sadie and I could no longer work together and we needed Shawn. At 4:45 I begged him to leave work early to save me from the anger and frustration I was feeling. The moment he walked in the door I washed my hands of being a mother for the rest of the day.
Tonight I went into Sadie's room where she was sleeping, crawled into bed beside her and wept bitterly. Losing a child doesn't make you a better mother, it only makes you feel worse when you aren't a great mother. I know the reality of how much it sucks to be "free" of parenting a child. When I have a day where I feel like I wish I'd never had children, I crash at the end of the day feeling the horrible and real pain of what that would cost me. I stroked Sadie's hair and sobbed into her pillow as I knew that I had not been capable of showing her the fruits of the spirit, of parenting her in love and kindness and feeling like a failure for giving up on her. How can you be so angry with someone you love more than yourself?
Tomorrow hasn't yet arrived and I know that it will be a day full of more pain than today and it frightens me too much to go to sleep. My 6th 21st and a half year since I watched my baby girl take her final breath, all her muscles relax and life leave her body. A baby that was so difficult to parent so many times and yet I would take our worst day back over and over again just to spend it with her. I long to spend tomorrow alone, curled up in bed with a large supply of kleenex. Instead I have to live a normal day and function for Sadie. Perhaps I should say that Sadie has to deal with me for the day. I realize that much of my impatience and frustration comes not only from her attitude, but also from my emotional state.
Becoming a mother has been one of the most painful, difficult and rewarding decisions I've ever made. I often resent the deep wounds that Hope's death left. I cherish the lessons I learned through her life, the way it forced me to fully rely on God and the understanding that we all need community that came out of it. But I struggle with how the deep wounds leave so much pain, pain that makes me tired as a mother with Sadie. Pain that makes it too difficult to deal with 3 year old attitude on bad days. Pain that hides in the soul and bubbles up whenever it feels like it, often when I don't have time for it. Usually on a weekday when I don't have the luxury of turning to Shawn for help and support.
In these last few days of deep frustration and intense feelings of failure, I have reached out to God. I find a show Sadie loves and get her cozy next to me on the couch so I can sit and journal in prayer. My frustration only grows as she decides to draw in my journal, touch my face and ask me 4,000 questions instead of watching her show and letting me get refreshed. At night I'm exhausted and just want to sleep and when I wake up each morning I have never had enough sleep. The pregnancy takes all the extra energy I have. When you can identify that you're empty and you are tying to refuel, it's only that much more frustrating when your efforts are failing. I've resorted to praying while I pee, at least I do that a lot while pregnant!
Once again I am reminded of my deep need for Jesus. I can't parent a healthy child without him. I don't have the strength in myself, I don't have the patience required either. Just as I have no idea how single mothers survive, I can not understand how one parents without the grace and love that Jesus gives. Each time I have a day of darkness like today, the only thing that carries me through is knowing that I am not perfect, but Jesus has saved me by grace. Salvation is thankfully not earned, as I would fall short. It is grace that will get me out of bed tomorrow and give me the strength to try again, even on a day that I just want to be alone. We get so frustrated with our children, I can only imagine what it's like to be God and watch his children fall over and over again. Tonight I am reaching out, taking his hand and getting back on my feet. Thankfully this earth is not my home and is fleeting in comparison to eternity. One day in glory I will go to sleep without tears.
Tomorrow is a new day, a difficult day to face, but a day I hope to show Sadie how much I love and cherish her. A day that I hope to hold her close and remind her of how blessed I am to be her mother. A day that I will feel the pain of not holding Hope, yet be comforted to know that Jesus is doing it for me and one day I will join them. Tomorrow is a day I could really use some prayer.
Tonight I went into Sadie's room where she was sleeping, crawled into bed beside her and wept bitterly. Losing a child doesn't make you a better mother, it only makes you feel worse when you aren't a great mother. I know the reality of how much it sucks to be "free" of parenting a child. When I have a day where I feel like I wish I'd never had children, I crash at the end of the day feeling the horrible and real pain of what that would cost me. I stroked Sadie's hair and sobbed into her pillow as I knew that I had not been capable of showing her the fruits of the spirit, of parenting her in love and kindness and feeling like a failure for giving up on her. How can you be so angry with someone you love more than yourself?
Tomorrow hasn't yet arrived and I know that it will be a day full of more pain than today and it frightens me too much to go to sleep. My 6th 21st and a half year since I watched my baby girl take her final breath, all her muscles relax and life leave her body. A baby that was so difficult to parent so many times and yet I would take our worst day back over and over again just to spend it with her. I long to spend tomorrow alone, curled up in bed with a large supply of kleenex. Instead I have to live a normal day and function for Sadie. Perhaps I should say that Sadie has to deal with me for the day. I realize that much of my impatience and frustration comes not only from her attitude, but also from my emotional state.
Becoming a mother has been one of the most painful, difficult and rewarding decisions I've ever made. I often resent the deep wounds that Hope's death left. I cherish the lessons I learned through her life, the way it forced me to fully rely on God and the understanding that we all need community that came out of it. But I struggle with how the deep wounds leave so much pain, pain that makes me tired as a mother with Sadie. Pain that makes it too difficult to deal with 3 year old attitude on bad days. Pain that hides in the soul and bubbles up whenever it feels like it, often when I don't have time for it. Usually on a weekday when I don't have the luxury of turning to Shawn for help and support.
In these last few days of deep frustration and intense feelings of failure, I have reached out to God. I find a show Sadie loves and get her cozy next to me on the couch so I can sit and journal in prayer. My frustration only grows as she decides to draw in my journal, touch my face and ask me 4,000 questions instead of watching her show and letting me get refreshed. At night I'm exhausted and just want to sleep and when I wake up each morning I have never had enough sleep. The pregnancy takes all the extra energy I have. When you can identify that you're empty and you are tying to refuel, it's only that much more frustrating when your efforts are failing. I've resorted to praying while I pee, at least I do that a lot while pregnant!
Once again I am reminded of my deep need for Jesus. I can't parent a healthy child without him. I don't have the strength in myself, I don't have the patience required either. Just as I have no idea how single mothers survive, I can not understand how one parents without the grace and love that Jesus gives. Each time I have a day of darkness like today, the only thing that carries me through is knowing that I am not perfect, but Jesus has saved me by grace. Salvation is thankfully not earned, as I would fall short. It is grace that will get me out of bed tomorrow and give me the strength to try again, even on a day that I just want to be alone. We get so frustrated with our children, I can only imagine what it's like to be God and watch his children fall over and over again. Tonight I am reaching out, taking his hand and getting back on my feet. Thankfully this earth is not my home and is fleeting in comparison to eternity. One day in glory I will go to sleep without tears.
Tomorrow is a new day, a difficult day to face, but a day I hope to show Sadie how much I love and cherish her. A day that I hope to hold her close and remind her of how blessed I am to be her mother. A day that I will feel the pain of not holding Hope, yet be comforted to know that Jesus is doing it for me and one day I will join them. Tomorrow is a day I could really use some prayer.
Sunday, 17 November 2013
2 Years of Change
It was 2 years ago today that Hope was diagnosed with HLHS and our lives were changed forever. It's hard to believe it's been that long, it truly feels much longer. I sit at almost the same place in a new pregnancy, just 3 weeks ahead of where I was with Hope, and carrying another girl.
Sadie has been very excited about Christmas this year and putting on a lot of pressure to decorate. After Shawn carried the boxes up from the basement I began going through everything completely oblivious to the emotions that lay inside those boxes. Our stocking holder is down a stocking this year and it remains in the box. Our tree carries a couple of ornaments with Hope's name and one that represents her first and only Christmas here on earth. I was thinking yesterday how beautiful it is to know that she celebrated Jesus' birth once on earth and will now forever celebrate him face to face. I forgot how much the holidays are full of decorations with her name and how easily my mind goes to her.
In the last 24 hours I attended 3 Christmas craft sales. I absolutely love wandering through Christmas craft sales each year. This year I find myself leaving not with Christmas themed goods, but with anything that has a heart. I am so drawn to the things that remind me of her and love to put hearts on Sadie and I know I'll love putting them on the new baby as well.
Some things are still too difficult for me. The thought of putting a family photo in a Christmas card is too much this year. I don't want a photo without her in it, but knowing that she's been gone since May makes it obvious that our photo would be very outdated. Next year I hope to be more comfortable with our family of 4, always knowing it was meant to be a family of 5. Sadie's school asked for a family photo to put up on our their bulletin board. Knowing Sadie would never bother going to look at it, I decided not to send one in. I couldn't decide whether to send one with Hope or without. I look forward to the passing of time in that way, one day it won't make sense to send a photo with her in it any longer.
Sadie has taken to informing random strangers that her sister died. It creates some interesting conversations, but her desire to talk about her sister is so innocent and beautiful that I embrace the awkwardness and just try to make the shocked stranger more comfortable.
I think a lot about the families that will spend this Christmas in the hospital and my heart breaks for them. I think the hardest thing last year, was knowing that everybody is excited and happy. It's weird to walk around in a world pumped with joy for a holiday when you feel completely exhausted, emotionally empty and not interested in anything festive. It does force you to look beyond the hype of the holiday and back to the reason we were meant to celebrate anyway! I'm trying to balance how to raise Sadie to be excited about the birth of our Saviour and not just the new toothpaste in her stocking.
November 21st will mark 6 months without Hope. It's hard to believe that half of a year has already passed by. I dread facing another 21st and yet look forward to another one being gone. We have our Bible study that night and with timing I may have to force myself to cook dinner on the 21st once again. I know that we need to continue living, but that one day a month I like to allow myself to let the pain of her loss set in and truly grieve. Perhaps we better order a pizza!
Monday morning I'll have the echo done on the new baby's heart. I feel confident that everything is okay, but will be more relaxed when it's completed. Thank you for continuing to pray for our family and this little one that continues to grow.
Sadie has been very excited about Christmas this year and putting on a lot of pressure to decorate. After Shawn carried the boxes up from the basement I began going through everything completely oblivious to the emotions that lay inside those boxes. Our stocking holder is down a stocking this year and it remains in the box. Our tree carries a couple of ornaments with Hope's name and one that represents her first and only Christmas here on earth. I was thinking yesterday how beautiful it is to know that she celebrated Jesus' birth once on earth and will now forever celebrate him face to face. I forgot how much the holidays are full of decorations with her name and how easily my mind goes to her.
In the last 24 hours I attended 3 Christmas craft sales. I absolutely love wandering through Christmas craft sales each year. This year I find myself leaving not with Christmas themed goods, but with anything that has a heart. I am so drawn to the things that remind me of her and love to put hearts on Sadie and I know I'll love putting them on the new baby as well.
Some things are still too difficult for me. The thought of putting a family photo in a Christmas card is too much this year. I don't want a photo without her in it, but knowing that she's been gone since May makes it obvious that our photo would be very outdated. Next year I hope to be more comfortable with our family of 4, always knowing it was meant to be a family of 5. Sadie's school asked for a family photo to put up on our their bulletin board. Knowing Sadie would never bother going to look at it, I decided not to send one in. I couldn't decide whether to send one with Hope or without. I look forward to the passing of time in that way, one day it won't make sense to send a photo with her in it any longer.
Sadie has taken to informing random strangers that her sister died. It creates some interesting conversations, but her desire to talk about her sister is so innocent and beautiful that I embrace the awkwardness and just try to make the shocked stranger more comfortable.
I think a lot about the families that will spend this Christmas in the hospital and my heart breaks for them. I think the hardest thing last year, was knowing that everybody is excited and happy. It's weird to walk around in a world pumped with joy for a holiday when you feel completely exhausted, emotionally empty and not interested in anything festive. It does force you to look beyond the hype of the holiday and back to the reason we were meant to celebrate anyway! I'm trying to balance how to raise Sadie to be excited about the birth of our Saviour and not just the new toothpaste in her stocking.
November 21st will mark 6 months without Hope. It's hard to believe that half of a year has already passed by. I dread facing another 21st and yet look forward to another one being gone. We have our Bible study that night and with timing I may have to force myself to cook dinner on the 21st once again. I know that we need to continue living, but that one day a month I like to allow myself to let the pain of her loss set in and truly grieve. Perhaps we better order a pizza!
Monday morning I'll have the echo done on the new baby's heart. I feel confident that everything is okay, but will be more relaxed when it's completed. Thank you for continuing to pray for our family and this little one that continues to grow.
Monday, 4 November 2013
A Precious Face
Last night was one of the worst sleeps I've had in a long time. It was one of those nights where you long for morning to come so you can stop trying to sleep. Finally my alarm went off and I got up to get ready. Shawn and I had very little time to get Sadie ready and get in the car. I'm not sure why I didn't just get up and start earlier, I guess I had hoped I would be sleeping.
We sat in almost the same place we sat as we waited for the ultrasound with Hope. It's across from the kids play area and both times we had Sadie in tow. As we went into the room I was nervous. I was hoping the technician would begin with the heart, but she waited until later in the ultrasound to even take a look. As soon as the probe was over the baby's heart, I could clearly see each of the four chambers. I'm not sure I would have previously recognized this detail. It struck me as I finally saw a healthy heart and realized how broken Hope's heart truly was.
I went into the ultrasound fairly confident that this baby was a boy. I think in knowing that a baby girl would be more difficult for me emotionally, I believed that God would have mercy and give me a boy. You would think that I would have learned through our journey with Hope that life is difficult and we don't always get an easy ride. When we found out that this baby was indeed a baby girl, I was surprised and emotionally numb for a moment. It slowly set in and I knew that I was okay with it, but also needed to be very careful. I don't want this baby girl to have to live in Hope's shadow and to fulfil the dreams that I missed out on with Hope. This is a new creation, and we want her to know that we want her to be an individual. We are thrilled that Sadie gets to have the sister she's been asking for and I'm good at raising girls, it's all I know!
The doctor came in shortly after looking everything over. She agreed that this little girls heart looks to be healthy. She would still like us to have an echo done. An appointment was booked for 2 weeks from now. An echo will allow them to see clearer detail of the heart and with our history, this could be important. I'll likely relax a lot more after this echo is finished and we know this girl has a healthy heart all over.
This pregnancy has not been easy. Emotionally I've done fairly well, I have my moments of rubbing my belly and remembering those safe moments we had of Hope in my belly. Most of the time I look forward to the experiences I missed out on with Hope. I want to hold my baby right after she's born, to nurse her, to bring her home and to not have to insert feeding tubes or give injections. My hips and my pelvis have been a whole new level of horrible. When I look back at my pregnancy with Hope I can now see how much better my body handled it. I have such severe pressure in my pelvis that I can barely walk at times and often struggle to fall asleep because of the pain. I continue in treatments and am doing what I can, but I know these next 20 weeks are going to be long and difficult. I would rather suffer pain in pregnancy, than have my baby suffer pain in life.
Thank you for praying for us, for the health of this baby and for this transition in our lives. We praise God for a healthy baby girl and the opportunity to raise another child. Please pray for us as we prepare to bring home another girl. I cannot forget preparing for Hope's birth and many of the clothes and blankets I put into the drawers will be the same. Please continue to pray for each of us as we get ready to enter a new transition. Most of all, praise the Lord with us for this precious blessing.
We sat in almost the same place we sat as we waited for the ultrasound with Hope. It's across from the kids play area and both times we had Sadie in tow. As we went into the room I was nervous. I was hoping the technician would begin with the heart, but she waited until later in the ultrasound to even take a look. As soon as the probe was over the baby's heart, I could clearly see each of the four chambers. I'm not sure I would have previously recognized this detail. It struck me as I finally saw a healthy heart and realized how broken Hope's heart truly was.
I went into the ultrasound fairly confident that this baby was a boy. I think in knowing that a baby girl would be more difficult for me emotionally, I believed that God would have mercy and give me a boy. You would think that I would have learned through our journey with Hope that life is difficult and we don't always get an easy ride. When we found out that this baby was indeed a baby girl, I was surprised and emotionally numb for a moment. It slowly set in and I knew that I was okay with it, but also needed to be very careful. I don't want this baby girl to have to live in Hope's shadow and to fulfil the dreams that I missed out on with Hope. This is a new creation, and we want her to know that we want her to be an individual. We are thrilled that Sadie gets to have the sister she's been asking for and I'm good at raising girls, it's all I know!
The doctor came in shortly after looking everything over. She agreed that this little girls heart looks to be healthy. She would still like us to have an echo done. An appointment was booked for 2 weeks from now. An echo will allow them to see clearer detail of the heart and with our history, this could be important. I'll likely relax a lot more after this echo is finished and we know this girl has a healthy heart all over.
This pregnancy has not been easy. Emotionally I've done fairly well, I have my moments of rubbing my belly and remembering those safe moments we had of Hope in my belly. Most of the time I look forward to the experiences I missed out on with Hope. I want to hold my baby right after she's born, to nurse her, to bring her home and to not have to insert feeding tubes or give injections. My hips and my pelvis have been a whole new level of horrible. When I look back at my pregnancy with Hope I can now see how much better my body handled it. I have such severe pressure in my pelvis that I can barely walk at times and often struggle to fall asleep because of the pain. I continue in treatments and am doing what I can, but I know these next 20 weeks are going to be long and difficult. I would rather suffer pain in pregnancy, than have my baby suffer pain in life.
Thank you for praying for us, for the health of this baby and for this transition in our lives. We praise God for a healthy baby girl and the opportunity to raise another child. Please pray for us as we prepare to bring home another girl. I cannot forget preparing for Hope's birth and many of the clothes and blankets I put into the drawers will be the same. Please continue to pray for each of us as we get ready to enter a new transition. Most of all, praise the Lord with us for this precious blessing.
Sunday, 3 November 2013
Another November
It's odd to find ourselves in a similar position in November, just 2 years later. In November 2011 we got up early in the morning to take Sadie and have our 19 week ultrasound. Now, here we are in November 2013, about to do the same thing. Tomorrow morning at 7:45am we will pack up our little family and head to the exact same ultrasound clinic to FINALLY find out what's growing inside my tummy. I never imagined myself hoping so deeply for 4 healthy chambers in the heart and caring so little about whether the baby is a girl or a boy. Tomorrow will also mark 20 weeks into this pregnancy, half way to meeting this new miracle.
As I've been reflecting about this ultrasound and trying not to be concerned, I've come to the conclusion that nothing inside my heart will change either way. Although Hope's life was extremely difficult and we did not receive the desired outcome, God proved faithful. When I look back at her life I am able to clearly see how God used her life and her struggle to draw not only us, but thousands of others to their knees. It's through that realization that I'm able to continue breathing and know that whether this baby has a healthy heart or not, we will love it deeply and continue to trust in a God that deeply loves his children.
Tomorrow will also kick off a new time of processing for me. Once we know the sex of the baby, I've committed to going through Hope's room to begin transitioning it into a room for the new baby. I'll be removing her clothes and filling the drawers with newborn clothes in pink or blue. It's something I've avoided doing but am finally feeling ready to conquer. I spent some time in there this weekend and although my time in her room is often full of tears, I do not leave her room defeated.
This past week Sadie told me that Jesus died but he is alive again. When I told her she was right, she continued with, "that's what happened to Hope too!" I was confused at first as I worried she was suggesting that Hope was going to move back into our home. When I questioned her, she explained that Hope and Jesus were alive together in heaven. I was so blown away by her ability to understand "new life" in Christ.
Please pray for our family tonight as we try to get some rest and tomorrow morning as we face a familiar setting that is not full of happy memories. Please pray that we would be ready for whatever is ahead and that they'd be able to get clear pictures of the baby. Thank you for continuing to care and for walking with us through this journey of grief, and the gift of new life.
As I've been reflecting about this ultrasound and trying not to be concerned, I've come to the conclusion that nothing inside my heart will change either way. Although Hope's life was extremely difficult and we did not receive the desired outcome, God proved faithful. When I look back at her life I am able to clearly see how God used her life and her struggle to draw not only us, but thousands of others to their knees. It's through that realization that I'm able to continue breathing and know that whether this baby has a healthy heart or not, we will love it deeply and continue to trust in a God that deeply loves his children.
Tomorrow will also kick off a new time of processing for me. Once we know the sex of the baby, I've committed to going through Hope's room to begin transitioning it into a room for the new baby. I'll be removing her clothes and filling the drawers with newborn clothes in pink or blue. It's something I've avoided doing but am finally feeling ready to conquer. I spent some time in there this weekend and although my time in her room is often full of tears, I do not leave her room defeated.
This past week Sadie told me that Jesus died but he is alive again. When I told her she was right, she continued with, "that's what happened to Hope too!" I was confused at first as I worried she was suggesting that Hope was going to move back into our home. When I questioned her, she explained that Hope and Jesus were alive together in heaven. I was so blown away by her ability to understand "new life" in Christ.
Please pray for our family tonight as we try to get some rest and tomorrow morning as we face a familiar setting that is not full of happy memories. Please pray that we would be ready for whatever is ahead and that they'd be able to get clear pictures of the baby. Thank you for continuing to care and for walking with us through this journey of grief, and the gift of new life.
Sunday, 20 October 2013
Hope Holly Lincoln's 2nd Heart Beats Run
I wanted to thank everyone that donated to Heart Beats this year. Team Hope Holly Lincoln raised over $20,000 and that doesn't include some company matching that still needs to be added! We won first place for fundraising and were very proud to support such an incredible organization. Our team had over 100 members this year and there were people there that I knew and never even saw. It was a packed event this year and that was extremely moving. Here is our team before the race began:
In the front row you'll see Lincoln's family on the left with his photo, our family with Hope's photo and Holly's family on the right. Three tiny babies that brought all these people out to support a great cause!
While we were racing in Calgary, others raced in honour of Hope Holly Lincoln in other parts of the world. My cousin ran in Pennsylvania, my brother ran in Spain, my friend got a group together in Manitoba, my parents and Nursey walked in Michigan and my sister ran with a group in British Columbia. How incredible to know that people all over were participating as they could and joining us as we raised awareness for Congenital Heart Disease and supported Heart Beats.
Sharla (Lincoln's mom) and I cried anytime we got near each other. I was very emotional and little things were tough. During the race a little girl in front of me lost her balloon. As it floated up to the sky I heard her mom say, "don't worry, now Tracey can enjoy it." I pictured myself saying the same thing to Sadie about Hope and was moved to know that these total strangers felt the pain we did.
After the race I was extremely sore, mostly in my left hip. It was my lucky day, right at the finish line was a chiropractor with his table. I hopped up and had my hip corrected before I was even off the course. How perfect is that? What an amazing answer to prayer for me, it's the only reason I've been able to walk basically pain free today.
Tomorrow will be our fifth 21st without Hope. It's difficult to believe it's only been 5 months since she went to be with Jesus. I feel like she's been gone for so much longer. I've planned in advance to keep myself busy and to have playmates for Sadie so I won't have time to sit and feel sorry for myself. I'm hoping next year that the 21's aren't so painful.
I am now 18 weeks pregnant and knowing that in the next 2 weeks we'll find out if this baby is a girl or a boy is difficult. I'm looking forward to finding out, but I'm terrified of the reality that will follow. Hope's drawers remain full of her clothes, her closet is still full of her things and her room is almost exactly as it was when she died. That room will become the new baby's and I will need to go through all of her things and make room for this child's things. Having a boy means packing these things away forever. Having a girl means packing them away for a year, but having the opportunity to use them again. I believe that a boy would be easier for us over all emotionally, but I naturally want a girl in my longing to have Hope back. Please pray for us as we find out and process these things.
If it comes to mind, pray for us and our families as we go through another day tomorrow that will make us long for Hope. I was washing dishes tonight and thinking about the fact that although I miss her so deeply, she doesn't feel the same way. Heaven is too wonderful to spend time missing your mom, she's content to wait for me there. I try to remind myself that Jesus has and will always love her more than I am even capable of. She's in good hands until I get to hold her on my own again.
Friday, 18 October 2013
A Little Teary...Maybe a Lot!
I wanted to ask for some prayer. Tomorrow is the Heart Beats run and I'm really looking forward to it. It has also brought a great deal of emotion with it and the tears have been privately free flowing this week. I've been going through Hope's drawers and her closet again, looking at her pictures and touching her things regularly. I try to do this while Sadie is busy or away at school, but I sure do miss my little girl this week.
I'm pretty sure that spending a day with heart families and remembering our heart warrior has brought this on. I'm looking forward to being with everyone, but I'm also terrified of the emotions that will come with it. My left hip is extremely out this week and I woke up barely able to walk. I have an appointment this afternoon to help correct this, but I know tomorrow will be a challenge. Each painful step will be for Hope, Lincoln and all their friends fighting that difficult battle with CHD each day. Please pray for our team and the other runners, the race begins at 9am Calgary time.
Thank you to everyone who has donated towards the run or to Heart Beats in general. I set a lofty goal of $5,000 this year. Just 21 hours away from the race I'm just over $4,000 and at 81% of my goal. I'm not sure if I'll reach 100% by morning, but I feel so blessed to know that so many care and want to help families like ours in the midst of such a difficult journey. Heart Beats is truly an incredible organization that offers such practical help to families. They were a real encouragement to us and it is nothing short of an honour to help them continue in their amazing work.
To join our support team, go to www.runningroom.ca and click on GIVING and then PLEDGE AN ATHLETE. Then you can type in the name of the person you want to sponsor. Shawn and I are both participating along with a lot of others some of you likely know. It all goes to the same place! Thank you.
I'm pretty sure that spending a day with heart families and remembering our heart warrior has brought this on. I'm looking forward to being with everyone, but I'm also terrified of the emotions that will come with it. My left hip is extremely out this week and I woke up barely able to walk. I have an appointment this afternoon to help correct this, but I know tomorrow will be a challenge. Each painful step will be for Hope, Lincoln and all their friends fighting that difficult battle with CHD each day. Please pray for our team and the other runners, the race begins at 9am Calgary time.
Thank you to everyone who has donated towards the run or to Heart Beats in general. I set a lofty goal of $5,000 this year. Just 21 hours away from the race I'm just over $4,000 and at 81% of my goal. I'm not sure if I'll reach 100% by morning, but I feel so blessed to know that so many care and want to help families like ours in the midst of such a difficult journey. Heart Beats is truly an incredible organization that offers such practical help to families. They were a real encouragement to us and it is nothing short of an honour to help them continue in their amazing work.
To join our support team, go to www.runningroom.ca and click on GIVING and then PLEDGE AN ATHLETE. Then you can type in the name of the person you want to sponsor. Shawn and I are both participating along with a lot of others some of you likely know. It all goes to the same place! Thank you.
Saturday, 12 October 2013
Happy Thanksgiving
It's hard to sit down and sum up almost a month of my life but I'll try to include the highlights. Shawn and I had the privilege of spending 2 weeks in Europe on vacation with no kids and no responsibility. It was a much needed mental break and a true blessing to spend that time reconnecting and falling more in love once again. We had an amazing trip, enjoyed so many of the places we saw and were able to feel refreshed by the end. Sadie did well, although she sure missed us. She is already back to her old self and seems fine.
On October 4th while we were away I opened my calendar and saw that at an early time I had written, "Hope is 1.5 years old today!!" It was hard to see that and know that it was a milestone we never reached and I must have felt confident the day I wrote it. At least once a day someone on the cruise ship would ask, "Is this your first?" To which I would respond, "no, our third." At times it was dropped and life would carry on, other times they would follow with the question, "How old are your other two?" The only way I can explain the response is that a grieving mother is a bit of a schizophrenic. One day I'll respond with the truth of our situation, others I won't. I can't explain why one day is a certain way and another is not. Sometimes I would say, "we have a 3 year old at home and we had 1 year old that we lost earlier this year." Other times I would simply say, "We have a 1 and 3 year old." One day when an older lady followed that response with, "How is your 1 year old sleeping?" Shawn responded with, "She sleeps incredibly well...pretty much all day." It was simply a moment that we didn't want to grieve and feel sad. We wanted to enjoy our dinner and talking about our daughter dying in that moment was not an option. I honestly feel sorry for the people that ask about my children on my good days, they get more information than they were looking for!
People always say that when it rains it pours. That has been true of our new house. We moved in on May 1st of this year and lost Hope just 3 weeks later. During our first few days here we discovered our brand new washing machine did not work as a part was not connected inside. Shortly after Hope's death our brand new fridge randomly decide to shut down and we lost all of our food and the electrical board inside needed to be replaced. Before our trip our bar fridge in the basement stopped working, it was brand new as well. They had a repair man come out, discovered it was completely shot and refunded our money. Since the weather has changed we discovered our furnace was not working and our gas fireplace wouldn't start. Today the repairman came out and got the fireplace started, which is helping warm the house a great deal. Unfortunately the furnace is truly broken and a part needs to be replaced before it will start again. How is it possible that so many brand new things are garbage?? If it can go wrong, it has gone wrong for us with our appliances! I guess it keeps life interesting, it's never boring around here.
Last thanksgiving we celebrated at the Ronald McDonald House. Hope was in a stable place and we were able to take her out on passes during the day and even had her with us outside of the hospital for Thanksgiving. It was one of my favourite times with her in Edmonton. This year we have the pleasure of relaxing with family and not running back and forth to the hospital. We wish Hope was coming with us and would be able to enjoy some delicious foods in a high chair next to us. I'm sure the feast in heaven is better than we could create on earth. I usually find the holidays very difficult, but for some reason I'm not as bothered by it with Thanksgiving. I think a holiday that is set to remind us of all we have to be thankful for, reminds me that although our little girl is missing, we are still so incredibly blessed and have so much to find joy in.
While Shawn and I were in Athens we were sitting in a square enjoying some delicious Greek frozen yogurt. I looked up to see an adorable little girl behind a motorcycle. I pointed her out to Shawn and commented on how sweet she looked hiding behind the bike. As I watched her more closely I realized that she was actually behind the bike squatting and leaving a little pile for the poor motorcycle owner to find. It was an incredibly impacting moment as I watched her get up and walk away and realized that Sadie, who was close in age to this girl, would never need to do that. We could easily take her into a coffee shop and even purchase a drink if that was required to use their bathroom. Here I sat eating my delicious overpriced treat that I didn't need and she was lacking something I feel is a necessity, toilet paper. I was reminded of the children around our world but also in our own cities that are in need of so much. I decided that going forward I wanted to research the places we travelled to on vacation and try to find something we could do to positively impact the area we visited. Even if I'm only helpful for a few hours, I desire to have less selfish vacations in the future. I have often wondered if Shawn and I will foster or adopt a child in the future, seeing this beautiful little girl awakened that desire once again. Only the Lord knows what's ahead in that regard.
I look at pictures of Hope daily and continue to miss her deeply. There are times that when I talk about her I feel strong, but my eyes shed tears uncontrollably. You don't always get to decide how you truly feel, your heart will show the emotions you try to contain. As I follow other families with heart children in their journeys, I'm reminded that although some are doing well, so many continue to struggle. If Hope had gotten the heart we so desired for her, she may have still been stuck in a hospital bed. She may have still had to endure endless procedures and painful tests. I continue to believe that God gave Hope the choice, and that she chose to follow him home on May 21st. I don't blame her for making that decision, I'm only proud of her for making it 13 months before she decided she was finished.
On October 4th while we were away I opened my calendar and saw that at an early time I had written, "Hope is 1.5 years old today!!" It was hard to see that and know that it was a milestone we never reached and I must have felt confident the day I wrote it. At least once a day someone on the cruise ship would ask, "Is this your first?" To which I would respond, "no, our third." At times it was dropped and life would carry on, other times they would follow with the question, "How old are your other two?" The only way I can explain the response is that a grieving mother is a bit of a schizophrenic. One day I'll respond with the truth of our situation, others I won't. I can't explain why one day is a certain way and another is not. Sometimes I would say, "we have a 3 year old at home and we had 1 year old that we lost earlier this year." Other times I would simply say, "We have a 1 and 3 year old." One day when an older lady followed that response with, "How is your 1 year old sleeping?" Shawn responded with, "She sleeps incredibly well...pretty much all day." It was simply a moment that we didn't want to grieve and feel sad. We wanted to enjoy our dinner and talking about our daughter dying in that moment was not an option. I honestly feel sorry for the people that ask about my children on my good days, they get more information than they were looking for!
People always say that when it rains it pours. That has been true of our new house. We moved in on May 1st of this year and lost Hope just 3 weeks later. During our first few days here we discovered our brand new washing machine did not work as a part was not connected inside. Shortly after Hope's death our brand new fridge randomly decide to shut down and we lost all of our food and the electrical board inside needed to be replaced. Before our trip our bar fridge in the basement stopped working, it was brand new as well. They had a repair man come out, discovered it was completely shot and refunded our money. Since the weather has changed we discovered our furnace was not working and our gas fireplace wouldn't start. Today the repairman came out and got the fireplace started, which is helping warm the house a great deal. Unfortunately the furnace is truly broken and a part needs to be replaced before it will start again. How is it possible that so many brand new things are garbage?? If it can go wrong, it has gone wrong for us with our appliances! I guess it keeps life interesting, it's never boring around here.
Last thanksgiving we celebrated at the Ronald McDonald House. Hope was in a stable place and we were able to take her out on passes during the day and even had her with us outside of the hospital for Thanksgiving. It was one of my favourite times with her in Edmonton. This year we have the pleasure of relaxing with family and not running back and forth to the hospital. We wish Hope was coming with us and would be able to enjoy some delicious foods in a high chair next to us. I'm sure the feast in heaven is better than we could create on earth. I usually find the holidays very difficult, but for some reason I'm not as bothered by it with Thanksgiving. I think a holiday that is set to remind us of all we have to be thankful for, reminds me that although our little girl is missing, we are still so incredibly blessed and have so much to find joy in.
While Shawn and I were in Athens we were sitting in a square enjoying some delicious Greek frozen yogurt. I looked up to see an adorable little girl behind a motorcycle. I pointed her out to Shawn and commented on how sweet she looked hiding behind the bike. As I watched her more closely I realized that she was actually behind the bike squatting and leaving a little pile for the poor motorcycle owner to find. It was an incredibly impacting moment as I watched her get up and walk away and realized that Sadie, who was close in age to this girl, would never need to do that. We could easily take her into a coffee shop and even purchase a drink if that was required to use their bathroom. Here I sat eating my delicious overpriced treat that I didn't need and she was lacking something I feel is a necessity, toilet paper. I was reminded of the children around our world but also in our own cities that are in need of so much. I decided that going forward I wanted to research the places we travelled to on vacation and try to find something we could do to positively impact the area we visited. Even if I'm only helpful for a few hours, I desire to have less selfish vacations in the future. I have often wondered if Shawn and I will foster or adopt a child in the future, seeing this beautiful little girl awakened that desire once again. Only the Lord knows what's ahead in that regard.
I look at pictures of Hope daily and continue to miss her deeply. There are times that when I talk about her I feel strong, but my eyes shed tears uncontrollably. You don't always get to decide how you truly feel, your heart will show the emotions you try to contain. As I follow other families with heart children in their journeys, I'm reminded that although some are doing well, so many continue to struggle. If Hope had gotten the heart we so desired for her, she may have still been stuck in a hospital bed. She may have still had to endure endless procedures and painful tests. I continue to believe that God gave Hope the choice, and that she chose to follow him home on May 21st. I don't blame her for making that decision, I'm only proud of her for making it 13 months before she decided she was finished.
Monday, 23 September 2013
Heart Beats 2013!
It's hard to believe that almost a year ago we were doing the Heart Beats run around the Stollery. Shawn and I weren't able to be with our team in Calgary, but decided to run anyway. This year we have the privilege of running along with our friends and family, but lost the privilege of snuggling with Hope when we finish. We depended on and deeply valued Heart Beats through our journey with Hope. I have set a lofty fundraising goal of $5,000 this year and am hoping to make it! The run takes place on October 19th.
Here is the link to sponsor my run online:
https://www.runningroom.com/dashboard/donations/index.php?raceId=9364&eventId=28702&memberId=VjUDMFMzVjcDbAY7AD8%3D&lan=1&item=1
If that doesn't work, simply go to runningroom.ca and select PLEDGE AN ATHLETE and then type in Amy Koslowski.
Thank you in advance for your help. I look forward to having the free time to get more involved in the incredible and very practical ways that Heart Beats helps families in the midst of such a difficult journey.
As for our life, we passed another 21st and have now survived 4 months without Hope here. It honestly feels longer and we continue to miss her daily.
Sadie is currently sick, but we're hoping the antibiotics and steroid she started will get her back to her old self before we head out on our trip in 2 days. I'm not looking forward to being without her for so long, but I must admit the break from being a mother, a house cleaner and cook are very appealing. I'm not sure that my brain will know what to do with so much time to think about myself!
Thank you for continuing to encourage us and pray for our family. We are blessed.
Here is the link to sponsor my run online:
https://www.runningroom.com/dashboard/donations/index.php?raceId=9364&eventId=28702&memberId=VjUDMFMzVjcDbAY7AD8%3D&lan=1&item=1
If that doesn't work, simply go to runningroom.ca and select PLEDGE AN ATHLETE and then type in Amy Koslowski.
Thank you in advance for your help. I look forward to having the free time to get more involved in the incredible and very practical ways that Heart Beats helps families in the midst of such a difficult journey.
As for our life, we passed another 21st and have now survived 4 months without Hope here. It honestly feels longer and we continue to miss her daily.
Sadie is currently sick, but we're hoping the antibiotics and steroid she started will get her back to her old self before we head out on our trip in 2 days. I'm not looking forward to being without her for so long, but I must admit the break from being a mother, a house cleaner and cook are very appealing. I'm not sure that my brain will know what to do with so much time to think about myself!
Thank you for continuing to encourage us and pray for our family. We are blessed.
Monday, 16 September 2013
A Rainbow Baby
A rainbow baby is a baby born after another child is lost. I found this definition online:
In the real world, a beautiful and bright rainbow follows a storm and gives hope of things getting better. The rainbow is more appreciated having just experienced the storm in comparison.
The storm (loss) has already happened and nothing can change that experience. Storm-clouds might still be overhead as the family continue to cope with the loss, but something colourful and bright has emerged from the darkness and misery.
In July we discovered that our rainbow baby is growing in my belly. The baby is due on March 25th and big sister Sadie is BEYOND excited to have a new baby around. She has requested that if this baby is born with a tube, we cut it off. I think she's trying to communicate her desire for this to be a healthy child and I couldn't agree more.
At the start of my pregnancy I was thinking about the comments I would receive from others and knew that, "as long as it's healthy!" would be among them often. I thought through this and came to a realization that although we would all love a healthy baby, I care more that my child will grow up and love Jesus. If I have a healthy baby that rejects God and chooses to live their own life, I miss out on eternity with them. If I have a sick baby that loves Jesus, I get to enjoy that child forever. Through our journey with Hope I have come to value a heart that loves Jesus far above a child that is healthy. It's a simple thought, just not one that ever crossed my mind while carrying Sadie in my pregnancy. I pray that this baby would be healthy, but that above all, it would grow up to choose Christ.
Sadie continues to talk about Hope and shares her desire to be with her again. I find it difficult to watch her long for her sister and yet, I'm comforted that she remembers her. She sat for over an hour watching movies of Hope on my phone and telling me all about them. I do the same thing some days. I am so thankful for all the pictures and videos we have of her.
Sadie has started pre-school and is loving it. She is enjoying the fall and the routine that comes along with it. I love seeing her learn new things and develop in her life. She continues to make us laugh and give us reasons to smile. After Sunday School this week as we put her in the car she said, "God has a plan for me!" Shawn responded humorously with, "Really? Since when?" That stumped Sadie, but she didn't care. She knew that God has plan for her life and that's all she cared about!
Some of you may remember after Hope's death that our friends put together a book called 'Hope's Reach'. The book is full of letters from people describing how Hope impacted their lives. It's a massive colour book full of stories and photos of our little girl. It took me 3 weeks to read through the entire book. It's LONG, but also extremely rich and not easy to take in large amounts at once. I was so moved by it and am thankful to have it. We spent time editing mistakes out of the first copy and getting it all ready for printing. The book will now be printed and we've decided to open it up to others. If anyone would like a copy of this book for themselves, we are happy to order you a copy. Being a colour printed book, it's not cheap to print. The books will cost $80 each and would likely be $20 to ship outside of Calgary. If you're someone that would enjoy being able to read these powerful stories and to have this memory of the journey you've been on with us, would you let me know before October 15th? We can arrange payment and shipping once I know who would like a copy and how many I'll need to order.
In 10 days Shawn and I will be heading to Europe. After Hope's death a group of friends and strangers put an account together to send Shawn and I away on vacation. The 13 months of Hope's life were extremely stressful. Shawn and I spent a large amount of time apart and our time together was often consumed with intense conversations about Hope. We worked hard to maintain our marriage and to keep it healthy, but often dreamed of a second honeymoon to reconnect and move forward in our relationship. We talked about doing this as soon as Hope was stable. Sadly that never happened, but we were beyond shocked when this account was started and our dream became a reality. Shawn and I will spend 2 weeks on a cruise through the Mediterranean while Sadie remains in Calgary with family and friends that promise to love her to pieces! I wanted to publicly thank each and every person that has made this trip possible for us. I'm dreading the time away from Sadie, but am deeply excited about the one on one time I'll have with Shawn. Please pray that this is a wonderful time of reconnection for us and that my pregnancy doesn't leave me on the boat while Shawn explores Europe!
My pregnancies are usually horrible. Some of you that followed Hope's journey before she was born will remember how deeply I hate being pregnant. I am extremely uncomfortable during my pregnancies. First is the nausea, it begins immediately and usually lasts until I deliver. In my delivery with Sadie was I still throwing up just hours before she was born! I am on medication to make this easier, but the medication makes me very tired. Secondly my hormone levels are always too high and specifically my Relaxin levels. As a result I have had SPD with each of them as well.
SPD is: Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction (SPD) is most commonly associated with pregnancy and childbirth. It is a condition that causes excessive movement of the pubic symphysis, either anterior or lateral, as well as associated pain, possibly because of a misalignment of the pelvis. SPD is a dysfunction that is associated with pelvic girdle pain and the names are often used interchangeably. It is thought to affect up to one in four pregnant women to varying degrees, with 7% of sufferers continuing to experience serious symptoms postpartum
It has already begun in this pregnancy and my hips are in constant pain and walking becomes more difficult as each week and month passes. I receive treatments throughout my pregnancy and it helps a great deal, but is still extremely inconvenient! My feet begin to flatten as I move forward as well and I get to a point of begging Shawn to rub my feet constantly! Poor guy. Enough whining...the point being that it's not a fun 9 months and I could use your prayers. While pregnant with Hope I swore I would NEVER get pregnant again. After she was diagnosed Shawn felt strongly that we should have a third child. He didn't want Sadie to lose her sister and be alone. I eventually agreed and we had decided to have one more, regardless of what had happened with Hope. I feel even more confident this time around to say, "I'm not doing this again!!" This baby is worth the trouble and the pain, as were Sadie and Hope. I just long to reach March and to have this little one in my arms.
I am currently 13 weeks pregnant. Sometime in the next 5-7 weeks I'll be receiving another ultrasound. Although I've already had two, this will be the first time we'll get a good look at the baby's heart. We are praying for 4 chambers and a healthy heart. I think I'll feel more relaxed once we know everything is okay and we find out if this is going to be another little lady or a little man. Although my heart longs for another girl, I wonder if a boy would be easier on me emotionally. It would be an entirely new experience and that may be better for us. I trust God to decide and that either way we'll be able to carry through.
Thank you for continuing to pray for our family, for the new baby that is growing and for our hearts as they slowly mend from losing Hope. Never forgotten, forever missed.
In the real world, a beautiful and bright rainbow follows a storm and gives hope of things getting better. The rainbow is more appreciated having just experienced the storm in comparison.
The storm (loss) has already happened and nothing can change that experience. Storm-clouds might still be overhead as the family continue to cope with the loss, but something colourful and bright has emerged from the darkness and misery.
In July we discovered that our rainbow baby is growing in my belly. The baby is due on March 25th and big sister Sadie is BEYOND excited to have a new baby around. She has requested that if this baby is born with a tube, we cut it off. I think she's trying to communicate her desire for this to be a healthy child and I couldn't agree more.
At the start of my pregnancy I was thinking about the comments I would receive from others and knew that, "as long as it's healthy!" would be among them often. I thought through this and came to a realization that although we would all love a healthy baby, I care more that my child will grow up and love Jesus. If I have a healthy baby that rejects God and chooses to live their own life, I miss out on eternity with them. If I have a sick baby that loves Jesus, I get to enjoy that child forever. Through our journey with Hope I have come to value a heart that loves Jesus far above a child that is healthy. It's a simple thought, just not one that ever crossed my mind while carrying Sadie in my pregnancy. I pray that this baby would be healthy, but that above all, it would grow up to choose Christ.
Sadie continues to talk about Hope and shares her desire to be with her again. I find it difficult to watch her long for her sister and yet, I'm comforted that she remembers her. She sat for over an hour watching movies of Hope on my phone and telling me all about them. I do the same thing some days. I am so thankful for all the pictures and videos we have of her.
Sadie has started pre-school and is loving it. She is enjoying the fall and the routine that comes along with it. I love seeing her learn new things and develop in her life. She continues to make us laugh and give us reasons to smile. After Sunday School this week as we put her in the car she said, "God has a plan for me!" Shawn responded humorously with, "Really? Since when?" That stumped Sadie, but she didn't care. She knew that God has plan for her life and that's all she cared about!
Some of you may remember after Hope's death that our friends put together a book called 'Hope's Reach'. The book is full of letters from people describing how Hope impacted their lives. It's a massive colour book full of stories and photos of our little girl. It took me 3 weeks to read through the entire book. It's LONG, but also extremely rich and not easy to take in large amounts at once. I was so moved by it and am thankful to have it. We spent time editing mistakes out of the first copy and getting it all ready for printing. The book will now be printed and we've decided to open it up to others. If anyone would like a copy of this book for themselves, we are happy to order you a copy. Being a colour printed book, it's not cheap to print. The books will cost $80 each and would likely be $20 to ship outside of Calgary. If you're someone that would enjoy being able to read these powerful stories and to have this memory of the journey you've been on with us, would you let me know before October 15th? We can arrange payment and shipping once I know who would like a copy and how many I'll need to order.
In 10 days Shawn and I will be heading to Europe. After Hope's death a group of friends and strangers put an account together to send Shawn and I away on vacation. The 13 months of Hope's life were extremely stressful. Shawn and I spent a large amount of time apart and our time together was often consumed with intense conversations about Hope. We worked hard to maintain our marriage and to keep it healthy, but often dreamed of a second honeymoon to reconnect and move forward in our relationship. We talked about doing this as soon as Hope was stable. Sadly that never happened, but we were beyond shocked when this account was started and our dream became a reality. Shawn and I will spend 2 weeks on a cruise through the Mediterranean while Sadie remains in Calgary with family and friends that promise to love her to pieces! I wanted to publicly thank each and every person that has made this trip possible for us. I'm dreading the time away from Sadie, but am deeply excited about the one on one time I'll have with Shawn. Please pray that this is a wonderful time of reconnection for us and that my pregnancy doesn't leave me on the boat while Shawn explores Europe!
My pregnancies are usually horrible. Some of you that followed Hope's journey before she was born will remember how deeply I hate being pregnant. I am extremely uncomfortable during my pregnancies. First is the nausea, it begins immediately and usually lasts until I deliver. In my delivery with Sadie was I still throwing up just hours before she was born! I am on medication to make this easier, but the medication makes me very tired. Secondly my hormone levels are always too high and specifically my Relaxin levels. As a result I have had SPD with each of them as well.
SPD is: Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction (SPD) is most commonly associated with pregnancy and childbirth. It is a condition that causes excessive movement of the pubic symphysis, either anterior or lateral, as well as associated pain, possibly because of a misalignment of the pelvis. SPD is a dysfunction that is associated with pelvic girdle pain and the names are often used interchangeably. It is thought to affect up to one in four pregnant women to varying degrees, with 7% of sufferers continuing to experience serious symptoms postpartum
It has already begun in this pregnancy and my hips are in constant pain and walking becomes more difficult as each week and month passes. I receive treatments throughout my pregnancy and it helps a great deal, but is still extremely inconvenient! My feet begin to flatten as I move forward as well and I get to a point of begging Shawn to rub my feet constantly! Poor guy. Enough whining...the point being that it's not a fun 9 months and I could use your prayers. While pregnant with Hope I swore I would NEVER get pregnant again. After she was diagnosed Shawn felt strongly that we should have a third child. He didn't want Sadie to lose her sister and be alone. I eventually agreed and we had decided to have one more, regardless of what had happened with Hope. I feel even more confident this time around to say, "I'm not doing this again!!" This baby is worth the trouble and the pain, as were Sadie and Hope. I just long to reach March and to have this little one in my arms.
I am currently 13 weeks pregnant. Sometime in the next 5-7 weeks I'll be receiving another ultrasound. Although I've already had two, this will be the first time we'll get a good look at the baby's heart. We are praying for 4 chambers and a healthy heart. I think I'll feel more relaxed once we know everything is okay and we find out if this is going to be another little lady or a little man. Although my heart longs for another girl, I wonder if a boy would be easier on me emotionally. It would be an entirely new experience and that may be better for us. I trust God to decide and that either way we'll be able to carry through.
Thank you for continuing to pray for our family, for the new baby that is growing and for our hearts as they slowly mend from losing Hope. Never forgotten, forever missed.
Sunday, 8 September 2013
Productive Days
Today was a day that I finish feeling very accomplished. We set an alarm to make it to the early service at church, 9am is not that early. Sadie had to be woken up to make it on time and it's walking distance from our house! After church we went to Heritage Park for an awesome day of family fun. The park is perfect for Sadie right now. She got to ride on a lot of carnival rides, a steam engine train, a horse drawn carriage and a steam boat! We went over to the farm and saw all the animals, ate ice cream, visited the candy store and explored all the historic houses. After 5 hours of walking around and enjoying ourselves, we stopped at their annual harvest sale on the way out. It was moments before they were closing and we got some amazing deals! A whole watermelon for $1, a massive box of green peppers for $5, a case of mangoes for $2, cauliflower for $1 and 2 cantaloupe's for $1! Sadly after we purchased our watermelon for $1 they dropped the price to 2 for a $1. We would have complained but the money was going to the Children's Hospital here and we've found that place helpful in the past!
We just got home, made a pizza to throw in the oven for supper and are looking forward to relaxing on the couch after Sadie goes to bed. I even signed Shawn up to be Santa at Sadie's pre-school in December! What a good sport to save me from having to volunteer to be on the board committee. It was a large time commitment that I didn't want to make and Santa was only for an hour. I'm sure he'll be hilarious.
Today, as we waited for our carriage ride, a mom behind me asked how old Sadie was. I asked in return how old her children were. Her youngest was 17 months old, the age Hope would currently be. Whenever this happens I find I stare at the child and try to picture what our Hope would be doing right now and what she'd look like as she got older. Would she grow into her big eyes, or would they always light up her entire face? Would she still be bald? Would she finally be over 13 pounds? It always stops me in my tracks and brings some sadness before I can continue on with the day. Watching Sadie ride the ferris wheel alone because she didn't have a sibling to sit next to her was hard when so many of the kids had someone next to them. It's the little things that continue to hit hard.
We are thankful that we are doing well and are able to go out and enjoy a day as a family. We are thankful that our marriage is still full of love for one another and that our pain is not turning us against each other, only closer to one another. We are thankful that Hope is resting safely in the arms of Jesus and that when Sadie asks the tough question, "why did Hope have to die?" We can answer with the confidence that God knew what he was doing, even though we wanted him to do something different. We continue to live life and through that we grow and we get stronger, even though the pain lives on.
We just got home, made a pizza to throw in the oven for supper and are looking forward to relaxing on the couch after Sadie goes to bed. I even signed Shawn up to be Santa at Sadie's pre-school in December! What a good sport to save me from having to volunteer to be on the board committee. It was a large time commitment that I didn't want to make and Santa was only for an hour. I'm sure he'll be hilarious.
Today, as we waited for our carriage ride, a mom behind me asked how old Sadie was. I asked in return how old her children were. Her youngest was 17 months old, the age Hope would currently be. Whenever this happens I find I stare at the child and try to picture what our Hope would be doing right now and what she'd look like as she got older. Would she grow into her big eyes, or would they always light up her entire face? Would she still be bald? Would she finally be over 13 pounds? It always stops me in my tracks and brings some sadness before I can continue on with the day. Watching Sadie ride the ferris wheel alone because she didn't have a sibling to sit next to her was hard when so many of the kids had someone next to them. It's the little things that continue to hit hard.
We are thankful that we are doing well and are able to go out and enjoy a day as a family. We are thankful that our marriage is still full of love for one another and that our pain is not turning us against each other, only closer to one another. We are thankful that Hope is resting safely in the arms of Jesus and that when Sadie asks the tough question, "why did Hope have to die?" We can answer with the confidence that God knew what he was doing, even though we wanted him to do something different. We continue to live life and through that we grow and we get stronger, even though the pain lives on.
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