It has been 4 days since we received the news of our baby's broken heart. Reality has set in at this point and although we still have many questions, we have a general understanding that life will never be the same.
I don't know how to articulate this properly but, in a weird way, we feel blessed. Last night I sat and read some of "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan. Previously I found this book not to be very 'deep' and full of facts we've already heard. My entire perspective on life has now changed and reading of God's love was like hearing it for the first time. When I finished I sat and talked with Shawn, my heart full of so much thanks. All my life I have wanted more of God, more passion for him, more desire for him, and more discipline to seek him. I now have the privilege of being in a place of brokenness that requires me to not turn to Him at times, but to let Him carry me at all times. I've finally gotten what I've always wanted, full dependence on God. God can no longer be a part of my life but must utterly consume my life if we're going to survive this rough road.
Our friends and family have been amazing, this support is humbling to me and is also going to take some time to accept. When I log onto our blog and see followers I don't know, get emails from strangers or hear people I've never met are praying, I am overwhelmed to say the least. The things that used to matter are now so small in life. I find it difficult to make meals for my family, a task I previously enjoyed. I can't find the ambition to clean my floors and yet still find all the cheerios on my socks annoying. Perhaps that will come in time but right now I just want to be with people, sit and read.
Many people have asked us what they can do or shared their desire to help and their uncertainty of what to do. I like to do things myself and find it hard to accept help and especially to ask for it. I believe this is something that is going to need some serious work in my life! So I've decided to try and be honest, to make our lives more vulnerable and share our needs as they come up and force myself not to be ashamed of our need for help.
We need love. The best thing you can for us right now is love on us. To keep me busy during the day by going for coffee, hitting the grocery store, having play dates or whatever. My thoughts are overwhelming and I truly enjoy being busy right now. You can feel free to call but please do not be offended if we don't answer, at times I feel tired of saying the same things and can't seem to make myself pick up the phone. Your words of encouragement and promises of prayer are a great strength. Anyone that was around while I lived away from home will know that I love to write and receive letters...if you want to send mail I will open it with joy :).
We have been blessed by a couple of people dropping off meals. It is a blessing beyond words to reheat something and sit down and eat. Shawn really likes to eat good food and I feel guilty when I serve him a salami sandwich. It is a blessing as a wife to serve him a nice meal, bless him through it and to know that I didn't even make it! Tonight we have friends coming over with dinner to sit and eat with us, keep us busy and well fed. This is a huge blessing, we love to spend time with you and want you to come by, don't be afraid to make us cry.
Christmas is getting closer and it's hard to think about decorating. Sadie is getting bigger and we're planning to make a 'Big Girl' room for her. These are all things I would normally love and although I'll still enjoy doing them, I would love to do them with company. If this is the type of thing you enjoy, come and join me!
Most of all, please pray for us. Feel free to share our story with anyone you know that will pray. We are not keeping our story quiet to protect our vulnerability. We realize that the prayers of God's people is worth it and we choose to embrace the publicity of our suffering.
Thank you for your emails, your phone calls, your visits and your prayers. We love our friends and family and are so lucky to have such a great support system. We can only hope that you know how much we appreciate you and that no matter how consumed we are with our own situation, that we always take the time to be sure you know we care about your lives as well. We love you all.