Wednesday, 30 November 2011

Some days are tough...

I wasn't planning on writing anything today, I was even explaining to my mom why it wasn't "worthy" of a blog entry.  Then I remembered that I had promised to be honest as I walked through this journey and felt guilty that I'd asked you to come along but was only sharing my strong days with you.  Today was not one of those days and it was a tough one.

I was laying in bed last night when the sadness started, I started to feel alone in my pain.  I tried to explain it to Shawn and although I felt like I knew why, I didn't know how to explain it to someone else without offending.  I need to be clear when I say, our friends and family have been VERY supportive and there is nothing they're doing wrong.  I just realized that when tragedy strikes it shocks people, the first time you heard about Hope it was shocking and sticks with you.  Together we carried that shock and the weight of the situation.  Over time the rest of the world has to go back to their normal lives, I've done it myself as I walk through tragedy with friends.  Life continues and nothing has changed, it's a sad story but you still have to live your lives.  I feel like the only one who can't just continue to live a normal life and it's lonely.  I have a long waiting period, another 4 months before the real journey begins.

Last night I had one dream after the next of Shawn and I meeting other families who have children with HLHS.  In most cases they were actual people that keep blogs I've read but have never met.  It was like my entire sleep was consumed with thoughts about Hope's heart and I had no way to wake up and get away from it.

Today I had a ton of love from friends; I had a friend here for lunch, dinners dropped off and a friend here for dinner.  It's not that I'm truly alone, I just feel alone in my pain.  Today was one of those days that I carried tears right on the edge of my eyes and fought to keep them back.  At times they fall without permission but I spent most of the day controlling them and saving myself from a cry headache!  My hope is that I'll wake up fresh tomorrow and ready to be strong again but for today I feel tired and like I'm not strong enough for this fight.  I would truly appreciate your prayer not only for Hope but also for us!


  1. Ron and I quite literally prayed for you guys minutes before I read this!

  2. My heart is heavy for you tonight......I will pray that God will flood your mind with wonderful dreams as you sleep and that you will wake up tomorrow morning refreshed, encouraged, strengthened, and ready to continue on this journey......assured that although it is not an easy road, you will never for one second walk it alone.

    "The Lord will guide you always; He will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail". (Isaiah 58:11)

    "But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." (Isaiah 40:31

    We love you! XOXOXOX

  3. many days feel lonely in a deep struggle like this. This pain that is so uniquely yours, it is what forms who you are! My prayer for you is your honesty continues, this will give you strength! Those hard days are the days that will get you through! I needs to hurt and be hard, cause it does hurt and is hard! My prayers are with you guys at this time!