I wasn't planning on writing anything today, I was even explaining to my mom why it wasn't "worthy" of a blog entry. Then I remembered that I had promised to be honest as I walked through this journey and felt guilty that I'd asked you to come along but was only sharing my strong days with you. Today was not one of those days and it was a tough one.
I was laying in bed last night when the sadness started, I started to feel alone in my pain. I tried to explain it to Shawn and although I felt like I knew why, I didn't know how to explain it to someone else without offending. I need to be clear when I say, our friends and family have been VERY supportive and there is nothing they're doing wrong. I just realized that when tragedy strikes it shocks people, the first time you heard about Hope it was shocking and sticks with you. Together we carried that shock and the weight of the situation. Over time the rest of the world has to go back to their normal lives, I've done it myself as I walk through tragedy with friends. Life continues and nothing has changed, it's a sad story but you still have to live your lives. I feel like the only one who can't just continue to live a normal life and it's lonely. I have a long waiting period, another 4 months before the real journey begins.
Last night I had one dream after the next of Shawn and I meeting other families who have children with HLHS. In most cases they were actual people that keep blogs I've read but have never met. It was like my entire sleep was consumed with thoughts about Hope's heart and I had no way to wake up and get away from it.
Today I had a ton of love from friends; I had a friend here for lunch, dinners dropped off and a friend here for dinner. It's not that I'm truly alone, I just feel alone in my pain. Today was one of those days that I carried tears right on the edge of my eyes and fought to keep them back. At times they fall without permission but I spent most of the day controlling them and saving myself from a cry headache! My hope is that I'll wake up fresh tomorrow and ready to be strong again but for today I feel tired and like I'm not strong enough for this fight. I would truly appreciate your prayer not only for Hope but also for us!