When I have enough to say two days in a row, it's not usually a great sign. Today I had my first appointment at my old maternity clinic since the diagnosis. I have been referred to an OB at the hospital but am still waiting to get in and had to go to the clinic to be weighed and such today. The nurse that came into the room had clearly not opened my file before entering.
She noticed the baby had HLHS and started by saying, "that's not a big deal, they can fix that so don't even worry about it." I now realize this woman has no idea what she's talking about and I'm hoping it's all over quickly. She proceeds to take forever in measuring me, tells me my baby is measuring too small and then asks if I have any questions about the diagnosis she could answer. Why would I ask her a question about something she's clearly uneducated about? Wouldn't it have been better for her to say nothing at all? When she left the room I sat waiting for the doctor and all I could hear was the heartbeats of everyone else's babies in the rooms around me. This was tough, I felt jealousy towards the other women that were having routine visits and would then carry on with their days.
The doctor was a lot better and started by apologizing for the diagnosis, stated he was not an expert but was willing to talk if I needed to. He said I'd likely have to see them there once more before I get into the OB at the hospital as that wouldn't happen until the new year. Please join me in praying that I can get in BEFORE the new year so I don't have to go back to the clinic. It's truly painful to have someone come speak to you that knows nothing about your situation and then proceeds to go out in the hall and talk about you to the other nurses and you can hear them! I asked the doctor about the size of the baby, he had all the results from the ultrasounds that are more precise than a measuring tape on my stomach. He said the baby is a perfect size and even a little pudgy around the belly with a big head. Sounds fun to birth!
Overall my day was full of time with good friends and that made it easier. My friend had come with me to the appointment at the clinic which meant I didn't have to get into the car and ball all the way home. Instead I got to talk with her and stay calm. After dinner tonight I was looking at another HLHS baby's blog and made a terrible mistake. I have seen pictures of these babies in bath tubs with scars that are all healed and look not too bad. I looked at post surgery pictures tonight, not realizing how drastically different they would be and how hard they would be to see. I absolutely lost it as I thought of my little Hope with all those tubes and that horrible cut down the centre of her chest. Overall it's a good thing for me to prepare myself for but I was surprised by my reaction.
Thankfully tomorrow is Friday and I have some plans during the day to keep myself busy and then I'll have Shawn home with me for the weekend. I hope we have an amazing weekend full of some laughs so I can make up for all these tears lately!