Today marks the one month anniversary of Hope's diagnosis. It feels like forever ago and also like yesterday. I can replay the entire morning in my head like a movie I've seen in the past. I still remember what I fed Sadie for breakfast and exactly what outfit I dressed in her before we left the house. I remember Sadie playing in the ultrasound waiting room and feeling stressed because nature was calling and I couldn't answer without emptying my bladder at the same time!! haha It would be nice to go back to the days when that was a stressful thing in my life.
Today we are 23 weeks pregnant, only 17 weeks until our due date arrives. I think about the day I go into labour and know that it will stir up great relief, that the waiting is over, and horrible fear for the real adventure and emotional roller coaster will begin. I worry I won't have prepared myself enough and have the strength I'll need. I also realize there's no real way to prepare for it and I'm going to have to 'wing it' anyway. I'm already mourning the loss of time with Sadie. She's learning so much everyday and changes so quickly. Each day she starts saying new words and discovering something different in her world. I resent the fact that I won't be able to be with her often right after Hope is born and will miss out on this part of her journey.
I've found myself EXTREMELY sensitive lately...be warned! I don't seem to have the strength to just let things bounce off me or refuse to accept negative comments upon myself. I feel like an emotionally wounded child that is a sponge and can't seem to cast off the things that are not right to carry. I need to learn to communicate this better and find a way to kindly say to people, "that hurt my feelings" or "I find it difficult when you make comments like that". Negative comments about almost anything are crushing, I feel like a lot of my world is negative and I search for positivity in people and conversations and crave it more than anything. Please pray for me, that God would help me communicate this to those around me in love and that it would be a positive thing in all our lives. We all complain a lot about such silly things, I'm a good complainer too so I know!!
I've been mourning the loss of freedom. The idea that we can't go to Ontario this summer and I won't be able to spend time with my family at the cottage. Instead, I'll likely be in Edmonton with Hope going through the second surgery. The reality though is that I'll be more blessed to be in Edmonton as it will mean our baby survived the first surgery and that being at the cottage is actually where we'd end up if we lost our fight with Hope.
Any of our friends in Calgary would agree that our house is very cold, all the time. We have our thermostat up very high and it feels like it's at 15 instead of 25. We know that Hope will have poor circulation and will not tolerate this well. We can't afford to have Hope getting sick just because our house is too cold. As a result, we're keeping very busy as we ready our home for Hope and work at making it a warmer place. Next week we have a new furnace being installed and we'll say goodbye to the furnace that has been chugging along since 1964. We're having multiple quotes done on our windows as they are VERY expensive and also necessary to replace. I spend most mornings with some strange man from another window or furnace company giving me a quote. When we're done with all the renos, you'll all be able to stop packing your wool socks, slippers and blankets every time you come over. You can thank Hope for that one!
Thank you to all of you who have given your hearts to Hope already and committed to praying for her as she continues to grow. We truly thank you for the last month and beg you for the next few months as well! We know that there is an army praying for our little girl and our family and we are truly blessed. If you don't live here, please pray for the people that surround us in Calgary, I'm sure being around us can be very draining right now. To say that we're a bit "needy" feels like an understatement, it's sad but true.