Thursday 13 June 2013

Scars of Beauty, Not of Pain

This morning I lay in bed next to Shawn as he battled getting up for his first day back at work.  I tried to patiently remind him that he needed to get going.  I felt guilty that I would not have to endure such a difficult return and that the only thing on my schedule for the day was a visit from some friends.  A gift that I have, only because Shawn works so hard to make it possible for me to stay home with Sadie.  I watched him leave for work this morning and felt so proud of him for doing something that used to be simple, and now felt impossible.

I spoke to Shawn a couple of hours after he arrived.  I have been in awe of how amazing Interpipeline Fund has been through this entire journey.  Once again I was touched by their deep care, respect and sensitivity.  Shawn was receiving the support he needed and was doing well.  I honestly feel that many companies could learn from how they have handled our journey with Hope.  I have nothing but praise for their kindness and patience over the last year and a half.  They deserve to be honoured.

It is now 1 am and I'm still not able to sleep.  I'm sure that some of it is the time change from Maui, but I know that the nights are also when I miss Hope the most.  There are so many things in life that make me think of Hope.  I got up this morning and came downstairs for breakfast, on the counter is Hope's SIN card that I need to cancel.  Her pictures are all over our walls and her room is still full of her things.  I have not been able to stop sleeping with her stuffed bunny and I find her things in little places too.  Tonight I went into my make up bag in my purse to grab something and found Hope's teething ointment and some liquid sugar that we used to put on her soother.  At the grocery store this evening. I saw a bunch of gerbera daisies.  At her first birthday one of our favourite nurses brought Hope a single white gerbera daisy.  She handed it to me and said, "next year I'll bring her two".  I will forever think of her when I see them and it's the reason we had them on her casket.  I see hearts on others clothing, spray painted on the street, in photos and in signs.  I see her everywhere and I miss her like crazy.

At times I feel numb because I can look at her picture and not think about her being gone, just how beautiful I think she is.  Sadie talks about her often and I can answer her questions without feeling a sting in my heart.  Last night over dinner Sadie asked if God had a sister.  I told her that God did not have a sister.  She responded, "well he does now, he has my sister Hope".  The way her mind works is amazing to me and it shows how often she thinks of Hope as well.

I went to bed tonight and tried to fall asleep.  I started thinking about the music class I hope to take Sadie to tomorrow.  Then I felt overwhelmed with fear that there would be people I didn't know there and they could ask me how many children I have.  I don't want to answer those questions and worry I'm not ready to meet any new people in life.  At the same time, maybe I just need to get over the first time someone asks me in order to know that I'll be okay.

I had to put the bill from the funeral home at the bottom of my stack of papers to file.  I'm tempted to throw it out now that it's paid.  I don't want to remember that part of Hope's life and I hate that I had to plan her funeral.  I have started planning Sadie's 3rd birthday for next month and long to be planning Hope's next year.  I want to help her pick out a graduation dress and a wedding dress.  I am often reminded of the things we will never be able to do together on this earth.

My cousin Joshua wrote a song that I listened to in Maui.  While listening to the chorus, I could picture Hope worshiping in Heaven.  I could see her scar still on her chest, no longer representing pain and suffering, but now representing beauty and strength.  She didn't look sad or lonely at all.  Although I believe she deeply loves us and looks forward to seeing us, she is more than happy to wait for us in Heaven....a place where she feels no pain, is never put through a medical procedure and does not feel alone, ever.

I know that grief is a new journey we are on and that it is a long one.  I wish I never had to walk along this road.  Only 3 weeks after Hope's death, I feel like it has been years.  Holding her feels like something I haven't done for months and her smell and the sounds she made are already fading in my memory.  Even in our pain, I feel like we are doing well.  At times I feel guilty for being okay and for getting up and living life each day.  At the same time, I would want nothing less for Sadie and I know that Hope is not honoured by me staying in bed and crying.  Each day is a new challenge and each hour comes with new emotions.  I remind myself that each hour and each day that passes, takes me one day closer to Jesus returning or my old age and my own journey to Heaven.  I've never been so excited to get old.


13 comments:

  1. Thank you for continuing to share your journey with us. Love and hugs, Norma

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  2. Amy ~ you have a beautiful soul. The grace and courage with which you have walked this journey is incredible. I cen't imagine the depth of your grief, but I want you to know that I am praying for you and that I still think of you and your family every day. I pray that God gives you the strength to keep going and that He gives you glimpses of beauty through your pain.
    ~Lisa

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  3. Hi Amy,
    Hug. thank-you for sharing. I am crying over here, again, and I am just so touched by you sharing with us. I was a big sister who lost her little sister when I was five and she was two and I still miss her and ache. But hearing your story makes me realize what it was like for my mom to lose her and now having little ones of my own my heart breaks for you guys and I will continue to remember you all my prayers. hug. love: Jolene

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  4. Thank you for continuing to write and share with us. I pray that GOD helps you thru your pain and suffering and continues to show you that Hope is everywhere.....that gentle breeze that touches your cheek, that is Hope.

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  5. I miss Hope too, Amy. I never knew I would keep shedding tears and grieve for a baby and a family I've never met.
    I am proud of you and Shawn and Sadie and how brave you are being in facing each new day on this painful journey. May each tear you shed gently wash away the sadness in your hearts.



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  6. I read this post sitting in my car, with my 15 month asleep in her car seat, waiting to pick up her siblings. Again I teared up and still long to read posts of Hopes daily life, though I know we won't. I finished reading, sat back to take a deep breath and a thankful one that our children are healthy and saw the most magnificent bald eagle just riding the wind currents. Soaring, proud & not in a rush, just enjoying it. Around and around, up and down, peaceful. If you are a person ego believes in signs, I think this was one. Hopes good, free, soaring & in peace...enjoying her time until you're reunited once again.

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  7. 'I've never been so excited to get old'

    -that is the truth.

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  8. Thank you for continuing to blog, and be honest about your feelings. You continue to inspire me. I have two children 14 months apart...and its been a hard road for me...then I come to my bed at night to catch up on your posts, and its like God reaches out to me and reminds me how blessed I am to have these kids, no matter how exhausted I am. I have been touched by Hope's story, and I feel so much peace knowing she is in our Heavenly Fathers arms, free of pain! I will continue to pray for healing for you and your family. Hugs to you! A day at a time my friend!

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  9. I cannot read this blog anymore without wanting to weep endlessly for your loss. Even in the beautiful way you remember Hope, my tears begin to fall for you. Birthdays and anniversaries of one's passing are extremely hard. I have watched my niece struggle with these dates still ten years past losing her young husband to cancer. On his birthday, however, she has always managed to gather together those who supported her most during the 'awful' months. At first I thought it was morbid, but I have grown to understand that this is her way of remembering all the good things that happened in their few short years together. I am praying that you will have the strength and courage to celebrate Hope's birthday next April. All of us out here who have laughed and wept with you will continue to be there for you. Hope has left a huge legacy. She deserves to be celebrated. Peace be with you all.

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  10. Amy I started following your story when someone mentioned in the the FB mom's group. We have prayed so much for you and continue to do so. We lost our daughter Esther last year in April to CDH. This is a hard journey sister. We have been there. Your fight was much longer. If you need anything just ask. Here is our story and how we have grieved through the tough stuff with Christ also. Thanks for representing him in so many ways. Our blog: rhondaandjasonholtrop@blogspot.com

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  11. Dianne Ducheno Johnson14 June 2013 at 11:39

    Amy although we have never met I feel as if I know you as a close and dear friend. Your blog has done that to me. The way you speak of your journey from the day you were told of Hope's condition while you were expecting her to today . Your journal has inspired myself in many ways but as I have said before the biggest one is in Christ. You are a disciple of God in today's world. No matter what was happening in Hope's world you always had faith that God would pull you through. There are so many times I know you were exhausted and you still wrote your day's activities. I could not imagine the pain you have endured all the while trusting our Lord and Saviour to do what was best for Hope. Amy you have shown the world true love for not only your child , for you husband , for others going through so much more and right down to the prayers and sadness you held for Sharlene Bosma when Tim was taking from her. Through all your own daily living tasks you always remembered and acknowledged the outside world. A loving caring woman , mother , wife , friend and acquaintance to many. Thank you once again for you inspiration and making us realize how lucky we truly are as parents. Much love to you, Shawn & Sadie. Hugs ... no one can say with any death it will get easier but what I can say is take one day at a time. Live , laugh & love as Hope will be doing in Heaven. One day your family will once again be re united in a much better place than where we are today. Life with God will be welcomed now.

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  12. Thank you for continuing this blog, Amy. I thank God for you, and I continue to read your words, to pray for your family, and to be encouraged by your faith and love.

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  13. I saw a picture yesterday that read, "H.O.P.E. - Hold On Pain Ends". It was supposed to be a motivational workout poster but I could only think of your family. Having lost many people close to me, I can tell you that the pain does not end but it does get less intense at times.

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