Sleep, it seems to be the hardest thing to achieve these days! Sadie has given up on napping once again and continues to fight me each day as I work to make her sleep. Some days there is success and I develop theories of why she slept, but she always quickly disproves them and we start again. She still goes to bed wonderfully and for that we are thankful. I continue to struggle through this, but would appreciate your prayer as our naps will be VERY important in the coming months and she shows signs that she is tired and wants to sleep.
I have become extremely tired, all the time. The doctor thinks that my anemia has gotten to an all time low and is wiping me out. As a result, I'm on a liquid iron to help get this back up so I won't be fighting it after Hope is born. Unfortunately, I won't likely see any benefits from this for another 3 weeks or so. The liquid iron is disgusting, but my body doesn't tolerate the pills and eating mass amounts of spinach just wasn't enough, I did try it! I find it difficult to lay down when I have so many things I want to get done, but more often I don't have the opportunity to lay down because Sadie is exploring somewhere in the house and getting into trouble.
You would think that a woman as tired as me, would be able to easily fall asleep at night. Instead I lay awake and think about all the things I can't control and shouldn't waste my energy on. I sometimes go through all the things I need to remember to take to Edmonton, or the things I must finish before we go. I worry about the work on the house and whether we'll be done in time. Tonight we had a lot of wind in Calgary, we lost a few shingles on the roof...just another thing for Shawn to finish before we go. At this point the new doors have been cut to size. Shawn still needs to put in knob holes, hinge holes and hang the new doors. A few of the doors still need to be painted, the closet doors still need to be cut and most of the trim work in the basement and on the stairs is still in need of painting. We haven't even started the painting of the baseboards in the basement rooms. We're trying to be thankful for all that we have accomplished with the help of so many wonderful volunteers and not focus on all that still remains. This can be difficult when you live in the house and see the projects around you all day!
More than home renovations or packing lists, I sit up at night and think about the little girl that rolls around in my tummy. She moves constantly and her presence is impossible to forget with the size of my stomach. I question whether I'm truly ready to meet her and feel guilty when I hope that she comes quickly and yet know that she needs time to grow for as long as possible. Part of me wants to keep her inside forever and protect her from the struggle that awaits her in the world, but the selfish part of me wants to meet her and end my personal discomfort. Sometimes I catch myself thinking that when she's born my tears will stop, then I realize they'll probably be more intense and I wonder how much liquid the human body can spare. Although I mourn the loss of so many freedoms I feel I previously had and will lose, I fear losing Hope more than anything I have and would give everything else away.
It's technically Wednesday now, although I haven't slept for Tuesday night yet. Only one week until my mom arrives to support us through this journey, and 9 days until we make our departure. On Friday we'll be calling the Ronald McDonald House to find out what the housing situation is and how likely it is for us to expect to move in the following week. Please pray that there is space as we need to be close to the hospitals and will be staying in a hotel if there is not. With all the things we had to do to the house and other random costs associated with this all, we are really praying we can avoid staying in a hotel for any of our time in Edmonton. Please pray that we all stay healthy as well, we won't be allowed to go to the Ronald McDonald House if any of us are sick. This would be very stressful and put us in a tough spot also.
I believe that God is able to give me the strength that I'll need to face what is ahead for us. My struggle is with whether or not I will allow Him to do that in me. Truly allowing God to work in your life involves giving up your own control. There is so much of our situation that is completely out of our control anyway, I hope this pushes me to give up anything I can control and allow God to fully work through me, give me everything I need for each day and carry me through. He is willing and able, but I have to let Him work in me. I continue to strive to lay it all down and trust him, especially as Hope's arrival gets closer. Our due date, April 13th, is exactly a month away - soon she'll be here!