Tonight I continue to struggle with an issue that I've had for the last few weeks. I am completely exhausted, yet unable to sleep. I have experienced a slight version of this during my pregnancies, but have never had sleepless nights otherwise.
Today I made the difficult decision to leave Hope alone (with a nurse in the room) for over an hour. I battled the idea of her being alone and worried that she'd cry and no one would comfort her. At least not as quickly as I would have. I found out at 11:30 that Calgary was not able to find a bed for Hope and we would be here another day. I spent much of the day in bed with Hope and snuggling in a chair. Just after 3:00 I suddenly felt overcome with exhaustion and my body was aching. I worried I may be sick and made the decision to protect Hope by leaving her alone.
I came back to the apartment and crawled into bed. I lay in bed for a couple of hours but could not fall asleep. I ended up on the couch watching tv all night. I crawled into bed exhausted, but after over an hour of trying to fall asleep, I'm still awake. When I do fall asleep, my body is naturally waking me up really early. I'm much too tired to be waking up as though I've had enough sleep. I'm not sure why this is happening, but I am absolutely exhausted and truly worried that if I don't get a good sleep, I'm going to get sick.
I am hopeful that Calgary is able to take Hope tomorrow. I need to get back to sleeping in my own bed, spending time with Sadie and having Shawn around daily. If I'm not sleeping in the next week or two, I may need to go to the doctor for some help. I simply cannot function on such little sleep for much longer. Please pray that the patients in Calgary would get healthy and go home so we can have their bed!!
This morning in rounds the Cardiologist said that Hope needs to be on TPN for 4 weeks before her feeds are re-introduced. This is terrible news for me, Hope has only been on pure TPN for 1 week. That means we have another 3 weeks of TPN and then the time that it takes to establish full feeds before we can go home. My dream of making it home in February is shattered and March seems optimistic. I do not want to spend Hope's 1st birthday in the hospital and I'm tired of not being there for Sadie. I need Hope to do extremely well on the TPN and for the doctors to change their minds. I am praying that she will shock them all and be back on full feeds before they expect. I'm not sure I have another month in me, I'm tired and I just really want a break from this life in the hospital.
Lord, please give me the strength I need to walk into the hospital tomorrow with hardly any rest tonight. Give me the strength to be there for my helpless little girl who needs to be loved. Please get me home to the rest of my family so I do not have to do this alone.