There are days that I return home and realize that I am completely numb to my environment. I'll remember passing parents who are pacing in the ICU waiting room. I'll remember seeing faces covered in tears inside a nearby room. I'll notice streams of doctors running to a specific child's room with the look of concern they've shown for Hope, on many occasions, across their faces. I realize at the end of most days that although I saw those things, I didn't feel them like I normally would. I think you begin to protect yourself, as it's simply too painful to carry a burden for every family in the hospital. You still feel pain for the families you know, but often hide your heart from those that you do not know.
Today as I stood in the hall speaking with our doctors during rounds, my heart came to life and felt terrible pain for a complete stranger. A family, covered in sorrow and tears walked out of a room and down a seemingly dark hallway. Soon after a nurse appeared, carrying their dead child, escorted by a security guard on the way to the morgue. Today I could not be numb and my heart broke for that child, and for the family that had lost someone so precious. Most of all I wondered if that pain would turn the family against God or make them long for His comfort. I don't know how you go through something so terrible without a belief in God. Please pray for the family of that child as they finish off a day that they will never forget, yet wish they could. I often wonder if I'll need some serious counselling one day to remove the ache from all the horrible things I've seen on this journey.
Hope was not transferred today as Edmonton was not ready to take her. She is scheduled to fly out tomorrow at 10 am and should be able to be in the ICE unit (Intermediate Care Environment) instead of the ICU. That's much nicer for me as it's a less intense environment, yet still gives Hope the attention she needs. I'll follow her up in our car, but have friends that will meet her when she arrives and sit with her until I arrive.
I feel badly leaving Sadie in the midst of such chaos in her life. She's still confused as to why her life is packed in boxes. I truly hope that this only takes the 3-4 days they suggested and that Hope and I will be able to return by Thursday. Our sweet Nursey is coming for a visit on Thursday and if I'm still in Edmonton, I'll have to find her a ride to Edmonton. Also, Shawn knows that I love theatre and for my birthday in December, bought us tickets to a dinner theatre. The show is on Thursday night and I've been looking forward to this date night for months. It's again, very minor in comparison to the rest of our lives, but still disappointing. I would REALLY like to be back on Thursday, with Hope's name on the transplant list. I haven't gotten what I wanted too often in this journey so I'm trying to keep my expectations low.
This is a big week, it shapes so much of the future ahead for Hope. We feel the stress of this, on top of a move and being separated as a family. Would you please pray for our family this week? Pray for Sadie as she doesn't get to see her Mommy and is already a little confused. Pray for Shawn as he takes on the roll of single dad and no longer has his helper around to keep things in order. Pray for me as I sit through a lot of meetings, overloads of information and the emotional roller coaster of the hospital. Pray for Hope, that her little heart would speak clearly to the doctors and that she'd be able to begin her wait for a new heart, a whole heart.