Monday, 13 May 2013

A Shorter Wait?

I had planned to write yesterday but was honestly struggling through the day and felt that my emotions were too all over the map to put into words.  I cried myself to sleep on Saturday and could not figure out why I had so much emotion.  I finally realized that Mother's Day weekend was pushing me over the edge.  I kept hearing people talk about all the fun things they were going to do as a family and cute things the kids would do with Daddy for their Mom.  Eventually it got to me and I felt sad knowing that we would celebrate those morning moments without Hope.

On Sunday morning I got up and went into Sadie's room.  The first thing she said to was, "I want Baby Hope to come home Mommy."  It was a sweet thing to hear her say, but not what I needed in a deeply emotional moment.  All day I fought off the tears when someone asked how I was doing or gave me a hug.  It was tough.

I managed to pull myself together in the evening, once again realizing that crying about my life doesn't change it.  Shawn and I had a nice evening together and I tried to not think about the pain and focus on the joy I feel when I'm with the girls.

This morning I started another week with Hope.  I was feeling pretty tired before we even began the week.  I happened to notice the board that lists the doctors on service in the ICU.  One of our favourite ICU doctors from Edmonton is down helping out in Calgary for the week.  I was thrilled to know that I'd be working with him this week and that he'd have a good understanding of where Hope has been.  He told me today that he's never seen her looking so well before.  That was encouraging!  I also met with our cardiologist and he told me that although Hope has only been on the list for transplant for 2 weeks, she has the most common blood type.  She can take a heart from any blood type and typically children with her blood type do not wait as long as others.  I sure hope he's right!

I came home to a letter from the Stollery letting us know that Hope was given TPN (liquid nutrients) in Edmonton that they later discovered had been mixed incorrectly in the pharmacy.  Obviously she did alright through it, but it just reminds me that there are a lot of risks to hospital life and we need to get Hope home and living in a more normal environment as soon as we can!

I've had to eat my pride today and accept a friend's invitation to bring food and another friend's kindness to come and help clean some of the dirt and dust that covers our new home.  I want to do these things, I'm even good at them, but I'm simply not getting to them and it's not getting done.  This has been done for us in the past, I just feel that after 13 months our friends deserve a break too!  I am thankful again tonight that we are not alone.  We have God, which is our strength and he is our hope.  We are also extremely blessed by our friends and all those that stand with us and sacrifice their own time to keep our family going.  I do hope that one day I can return the kindness to others!


  1. God's family is so amazing. Glad your allowing your "family" to help. God will bless them for doing so. Wish I lived closer myself. Continuing to pray for you and your family. Hugs from afar...

  2. HI Amy,
    As I read your blog today I was struck with the similar feelings you and I have been having this week. I too have been at a place of utter despair and exhaustion...much of it mental due to something someone said to me about a week ago that reminded me of the one thing I have wanted most and prayed for many , many years (at least 13)and God has not given me...yet He freely gave to someone I know. Someone who hadn't even been praying for it, no less. I was absollutely run over with the truth that God chose to fullfill a promise in scripture to my brother in Christ, and not me. Satan was sly...he has been lying cool, somewhat leaving me alone for a while so my guard was down. I hadn't prayed my spiritual armour on in a while. So, out of no where the attack came. It was hard and fast and continual. I didn't have time to breathe...only cry and weep and whine and tell God I was in all honesty pissed off at Him. It all seemed too much, the years of praying. And then, all I could see was what I didn't have- the one thing I've prayed for ... I STILL didnt' have. All the years of torment this one unanswered prayer has brought me and my children. I was a festering ball of flesh. Just so defeated and starting to feel bitterness well up where there had once been hope and trust in my Father.
    Praise be to God, several days ago I was going through a book with my kids called "who am I". Of course, as teh Holy Spirit so perfectly orchestrated I came to a chapter about the importance of our minds. I prayed for the renewing of my mind and God delivered me from my negatice thought pattern I seemed stuck in. But, with a vengance, the attacks returned the next didn't seem as easy to recover my mind. Then the book startedin on the scripture in Philp 4:8 about what I SHOULD think about and teh power our thoughts have over us. God has empowered me with an amazing truth that fully delivered me from negative emotions that were overpowering me. I was set free from them. I feel so light. My situation hasn't changed Amy, I am still living in the midst of this turmoil. But, I have given the battle over to JEsus. I told him, if he lets the devil kill me and kill my family, then it was up to him. It was now fully HIS , JEsus'job to defend and fight for this cause that I KNOW is the will of God. I am no longer trying to manipulate situations or try and control the madness. I am just chooseing to PRAISE GOD no matter what... no-matter-what.
    I want to encourage you to take yoru thoughts captive unto Christ and bath in God's word, in His truths and stop thinking about what you dont' have, that you rightly want...but don't have. Stop looking at others who have the desire of YOUR heart today- and look at what you have. You are greatly blessed, my Sister, greatly blessed. Life is hard, in different ways for us all. And God's timing seems to be so incredibely slow. Do what Paul says in Phil 4:8.
    Every thought is a seed. Don't plant destruction and negativity into your life...plant the seeds you want to reap the harvest of.
    God bless you, dear one. Much love and prayers...Stephanie