I had planned to write yesterday but was honestly struggling through the day and felt that my emotions were too all over the map to put into words. I cried myself to sleep on Saturday and could not figure out why I had so much emotion. I finally realized that Mother's Day weekend was pushing me over the edge. I kept hearing people talk about all the fun things they were going to do as a family and cute things the kids would do with Daddy for their Mom. Eventually it got to me and I felt sad knowing that we would celebrate those morning moments without Hope.
On Sunday morning I got up and went into Sadie's room. The first thing she said to was, "I want Baby Hope to come home Mommy." It was a sweet thing to hear her say, but not what I needed in a deeply emotional moment. All day I fought off the tears when someone asked how I was doing or gave me a hug. It was tough.
I managed to pull myself together in the evening, once again realizing that crying about my life doesn't change it. Shawn and I had a nice evening together and I tried to not think about the pain and focus on the joy I feel when I'm with the girls.
This morning I started another week with Hope. I was feeling pretty tired before we even began the week. I happened to notice the board that lists the doctors on service in the ICU. One of our favourite ICU doctors from Edmonton is down helping out in Calgary for the week. I was thrilled to know that I'd be working with him this week and that he'd have a good understanding of where Hope has been. He told me today that he's never seen her looking so well before. That was encouraging! I also met with our cardiologist and he told me that although Hope has only been on the list for transplant for 2 weeks, she has the most common blood type. She can take a heart from any blood type and typically children with her blood type do not wait as long as others. I sure hope he's right!
I came home to a letter from the Stollery letting us know that Hope was given TPN (liquid nutrients) in Edmonton that they later discovered had been mixed incorrectly in the pharmacy. Obviously she did alright through it, but it just reminds me that there are a lot of risks to hospital life and we need to get Hope home and living in a more normal environment as soon as we can!
I've had to eat my pride today and accept a friend's invitation to bring food and another friend's kindness to come and help clean some of the dirt and dust that covers our new home. I want to do these things, I'm even good at them, but I'm simply not getting to them and it's not getting done. This has been done for us in the past, I just feel that after 13 months our friends deserve a break too! I am thankful again tonight that we are not alone. We have God, which is our strength and he is our hope. We are also extremely blessed by our friends and all those that stand with us and sacrifice their own time to keep our family going. I do hope that one day I can return the kindness to others!