I believe that Jesus Christ died on a cross, a gruesome and terrible death. Not because he wanted to, but so we could receive forgiveness for our sins through His sacrifice. To so many reading this blog, that sounds crazy and you don't believe it. I truly wish you did.
Today I have watched my little girl bleed. Hope has been bleeding all day, they don't know exactly where it is coming from and she is not stable. We pray that the medications they are giving her will clot off her blood. It will likely cause some other major issues for Hope and may very well clot off the shunt in her heart. At this point, you have to do what will save her life and not focus on the consequences. They need the bleeding to stop, not only to save her life, but to allow them to put a camera down her throat to find the source of bleeding. If the bleeding continues, it's very difficult to see, and try to resolve the source of the bleed.
Hope's feeding tube is now being used as a drain to draw the blood out of her stomach. Her diapers are full of nothing but blood. Thankfully the blood appears to be thickening, a sign that the medication is working. Hope is clearly uncomfortable and being given morphine for the pain she is feeling. She is back on oxygen and on more new medications than I can keep track of. I have not enjoyed much of today, as this is absolutely horrible to live through and it breaks my heart that the hospital is full of families in pain.
Hope is now in PICU and Shawn and I will spend the night cramped together on a single bed that is currently a chair. Sadie had to be picked up and taken away once again. It is more painful each time. My sister is on her way to spend the next couple of days with Sadie. Shawn's parents are in the city and my dad is flying in to join my mom tonight. Shawn's brother is also here in Calgary. My brother and his family live in Australia and are not able to be here right now. I ache for my family that is not here and yet I hope they don't have a reason to come and bring a black suit.
I have cried a lot today. The only thing that I truly find comfort in is knowing that, if God takes Hope, she will no longer feel pain. That is why the blood of Jesus is so important. Hope would spend eternity in paradise and never have an IV attempted on her again. I pray that God saves her, but I also pray she doesn't have to suffer forever.
I'm not sure if Hope's life is going to be spared, but I pray that whatever happens to Hope, it saves the lives of others. If Hope's story draws one person reading it to their knees, her life has served incredible purpose. I pray that I meet people in Heaven and hear that they are there because of the difficult road that we have journeyed with Hope. That is the only thing that could make this pain worthwhile.