Friday, 22 March 2013

On Edge

I continued to spend today on the edge of my seat and did not make it through without a break down.  Hope threw up twice in the night, thankfully they were little.  In the afternoon Hope threw up a much larger amount.  She hadn't slept much all night and was still very fussy.  I feared the worst and was completely overwhelmed.  The doctors have decided that it could have been a result of the potassium supplement they gave to her.  They have stopped the potassium and we are praying that it stops the vomiting as well.

Sadie and I had a birthday party this afternoon.  Hope spent the afternoon with Melanie and her mom as Sadie and I went to the party.  I left the party at 3:30 and planned to get back to the hospital to talk with the doctors before running home to make dinner and run some errands.  The traffic was horrible and it took me an hour to get home!  By that time, it wasn't worth driving all the way over to the hospital and I didn't have enough time.  I was crushed, I wanted to check on Hope and I felt badly that she had only had a few hours with me in the morning.  All of these emotions just strengthen my desire to have her home.  I am constantly choosing one child or the other.

We are praying that this is our last weekend in the hospital and that things will move forward on Monday.  The hospital staff are getting everything in order for us, I don't see us being delayed by anything there.  If we are not able to leave on Monday, it will be Hope's body refusing to move forward.

All day today I have gone from high highs to low lows.  I had moments of joy as I watched Sadie play or listened to the things she says.  In the next moment I'm frustrated and anxious to get home and have a sick feeling as I just wait for the hospital to call with bad news.  It's not that I'm an overly negative person.  Our experience has taught me that terrible things happen to Hope all the time.  This is our reality and it makes it difficult to believe that we'll make it home on Monday like they say.

I have never wanted a weekend to go by more quickly!  Please pray for us as we walk through this stressful period of time and are overwhelmed emotionally.  I'm not sure what I'll do with myself if I make it home on Monday.  I'm pretty sure I'll be in shock and experiencing incredible joy as I put Hope down in her own room!  I also long to do very simple things with her, like dress her in something other than a sleeper!  I have so many cute clothes just waiting for her.  Thank you for continuing to journey with us, we know it has been long.

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