Saturday, 15 December 2012

Musical Tears

I'm going to guess that some of you were praying that I would have feeling in my heart again.  Today we had the pleasure of going to the New West Symphony and Chorus.  It's never easy to get out as we have to find two babysitters, one for Hope and another for Sadie.  As we enjoyed the music I couldn't help but cry.  They played and sang numerous Christmas songs and I was incredibly moved by the song, 'Mary did you Know?'  I thought about Hope as they sang, and I thought about my role as her mother.  The song talks about Jesus and if Mary knew that her son would have such an impact and be the saviour of the world.  I'm not saying that Hope is like baby Jesus, she's clearly not God.  What hit me was the fact that I had no idea as I carried Hope, knowing her heart was broken, that she would mend the hearts of so many others.  I often hear from people about how Hope's story has touched their lives and drawn them to their knees.  As her mother, I never imagined the impact that our pain would have on the world.  Beyond that, I never imagined the changes that would happen in my own heart as a result of Hope's life.  Can you ever truly be the same after walking this road?

I can clearly see the evidence that Hope's painful journey has a purpose.  I know that God did not desire for Hope to go through this, although he had the ability to stop it and chose not to.  Many people wonder why God allows bad things to happen to good people.  We're not good people though, we're all sinners.  We all deserve bad things to happen to us and have simply been spared.  As I walk through this journey with my family, I believe I have a basic understanding of why God chose not to stop this.  God desires to have a relationship with his people, longs for us to speak to him and allow him to be a part of our daily lives.  For many of you, Hope's pain has drawn you back to speaking to God, to allowing him to be a part of your lives again.

After hearing about the horror in Connecticut yesterday I was reminded once again that this world is a sick and evil place that desperately needs God.  I don't know how someone could watch what happened and not see a need for God in this world.  God is relational and wants you to invite him to carry you through this evil world.  He doesn't promise that life will become easy and full of only good things.  What he promises, is to never leave you.  That's what I need right now, I need the Lord and I know that he will never leave me.

Life with Hope has been very discouraging the past few days.  Today the cardiologist told us that if Hope doesn't give us a clear picture of why her lungs continue to be wet, we'll have to dig deeper.  On Monday they will make the final decision, but it sounds like we'll be sent back to Edmonton for a heart cath to take a closer look at Hope's heart.  If there was nothing surgical to be done, we would be sent back to Calgary after Hope was stable.  If this happens, Shawn and I are talking about not going as a family.  We're thinking that Hope and I will go up alone until we know how long the stay will be.  That way, if it's just a brief stay, we won't have to uproot Sadie once again.

We know we'll be spending Christmas at the Children's Hospital, but we want to be with family and Hope is our family too.  I have spent other Christmas' out of my usual routine.  In 2001 I spent Christmas in Papua New Guinea without any family.  In 2005 I spent Christmas with a group of young people in Maui, all trying to add touches from our traditions at home.  This year may not include fancy table clothes and fine china, but it will include the people I love and that's what I truly desire.


  1. Oh Amy! Yes, yes, yes, Hope and you and Shawn and Sadie have drawn so many people not only to to your family but to our Lord in prayer for y'all but especially for angel Hope. The picture you posted of her smiling today warmed my heart and again, reminded me to pray that God would please heal her. My heart is so full with emotion and more importantly, prayers to God for her healing and y'all's stamina and perseverance. Much, much love to you. <3

  2. Hugs to you Amy! You really make a lot of sense out of some really difficult times. I can share your understanding, because when our daughter passed at 38 wks, I knew that God had a plan for her and our family. Through sharing out story, I had people confide that they had drifted from faith but that if I could still have faith in God, why couldn't they?

    I love Hope's pictures! What a testimony of God's never failing grace!

  3. I love how hope is looking up at you :)

  4. I have been reading your blog and am so touched. I am a new Pediatric ICU nurse and as I read your story it reminds me of the need to truly care for my patient and their family holistically, not just their diagnosis. As I read your words I am confronted with the struggle of the family and convicted to be a nurse who listens, who hears, and who shines God's love and truth and hope. Your family is in my thoughts and prayers. You are an incredible mother. May your family also be a witness to the nurses, doctors, and other families and the Children's Hospital. I am sure Hope and you already are. Merry Christmas.

  5. Thank you for sharing Hope's picture. You and Hope are indeed a testimony to His goodness! Yes, this world is a sick and evil place that desperately needs God in every nook and cranny of it! Hope is very actively helping to shine through His goodness into this dark world. We continue to pray for His healing.

  6. Yes, Amy you and your family and Hope.. struggling with maintaining her life, have indeed drawn many back to pray. You have eloquently said it all and though it is so painful for you and Shawn you also connected with Joseph and Mary with that song. God sends us as much as we need to help us and others. Hope is blessed to be born into a family like yours that is fighting for her life and she is blessing us all by making us turn to God in our helplessness...I so want Hope to be healed, I want God to work another miracle for Hope and for all of you and us... heal her completely. Today I feel like my faith in God is a struggle..if she loses it will be said that He brought so many back to prayers, but today this is not enough for me.

  7. Thank you so much for being vulnerable and sharing. It is when we are weak that we are paradoxically strong. Hope is a beautiful little girl.

    We'll continue to pray for a peace that surpasses understanding. Much love to you and your beautiful family.